August 11th marked my 9 months diagnosis date and also 9 months into my 2 years of "highest risk for recurrence time".
I was at the oncologist yesterday for a check up and received a clean bill of health :) I always hold my breath when she does the "breast" exam and checks my lymph nodes. I just close my eyes and think "don't find anything......don't find anything". It's always a relief and I finally breathe when she says "ok, you're good". I was on the high of the rollar coaster for the day yesterday. When things are good they're really good but when things are bad they're really bad.
I have totally underestimated the emotional healing that needs to take place with a cancer diagnosis. When I was in treatment it was all focused on the physical aspect of the disease. Get the cancer out meant surgery, heal from the surgery, get the drains out, do the pre-chemo scans, start chemo, chemo every 14 days for 4 months, deal with the physical side effects etc. Now I feel great physically but the emotional side of things has kicked into full gear, leaving me sad, angry and confused all at once. I burst into tears at the smallest thing and I often look at my kids faces with sadness. It's SO hard to not let myself go to "when it comes back" or "what if". It's hard to live my life as if nothing ever happened. People will ask me if it's nice to be back to "normal". God I wish my life could be back to normal, back to the way it was pre-cancer. But it will never be. Cancer has and will forever change who I am, how I see the world, what I value and what my worries are. I was at Kurt's cousin's wedding at the beginning of August and while his Aunt and Uncle were giving their speech at their son's wedding, I started to cry. I couldn't help but hope that I will be able to be that mother of the groom and that I will be able to talk about my boys growing up into amazing men and seeing them marry the girl of their dreams. It's in those moments that I can't help myself and the tears just flow down my face.
The emotional healing has proved to be the hardest part of this whole process. I have been done chemo for 4 months now (as long as I was in chemo) but I feel like my journey has just begun. Trying to get a hold of my emotions and fears has proved to be MUCH harder then healing from anything else. It's hard mostly because there is no set plan and there are no hard and fast rules on what to do to "fix" it. When it was physical there was a plan and I just went along with what my team had put on the table for me to do. With this there is no real plan. No one can tell me how to fix it, no one can give me hard and fast things to do that will make it all go away......it's all up to me and I'm scared.
I have stayed on my anti-depressant. I can't imagine what a total basket case I'd be without it. I have also reached out to the social worker at the hospital and I'm seeing her every 2 weeks for counseling. I said to her "you NEED to tell me how to do this whole live my life thing". She just shook her head and said, "nope. You already know but I will help you to do what you already know". I honestly think I should have bought shares in Kleenex!!!! At least I could be making money out of this deal.
So I struggle each and every day to find a balance. To push my fears to the back of my mind and move forward. My motivation throughout all of this has always remained my kids. My boys laughs, smiles, kisses and hugs will always be the BEST medicine anyone can give me. I try to stay strong for them, to hold it together for them so that I can be there for them. When Sam runs behind me saying "Mommy don't leave without me" or Jack says, "I need you Mommy". I think, "I never want to leave without you and I need you more!!!". That's what keeps me going.
This whole journey and rollar coaster ride has been the hardest thing I have ever had to do. On most rollar coasters it's you as the parent holding your kids hand and reassuring them they're safe and okay. On this rollar coaster ride it's my kids holding my hand and me feeling that as long as they are, I am safe and okay.
