Back in January I had my genetic testing with the hopes of ruling out the breast cancer gene. The test looks at the BRCA 1 and BRCA 2 genes. On September 25, 2012 I finally got my results. I DO NOT HAVE THE GENE (cue happy dance!!). So that means that I am not at a higher risk of ovarian or cervical cancer and my boys are not at an increased risk of prostate cancer. I am thrilled for me that I don't have the gene but even more thrilled for my kids and my brother's kids that I don't carry the gene. I was told that now the test is catching 95% of people with the gene so I left feeling very confident.
The million dollar question now becomes WHY?! My cancer was not fed by any hormones and I don't have the gene. So why when I was in the best shape of my life did I get cancer? I am choosing to believe that it was just a one off.
I have spent the summer working on my emotional health and well being. I enjoyed many great beach trips with family and friends and enjoyed every second of time with my kids (well maybe not when they were fighting but the majority of the time). I went back to the gym and started to build up my stamina with yoga and cardio. It feels good to be back to the gym and able to be active again. I can't help but remember crawling up the stairs on my hands and knees not to long ago because I was to sick and weak to walk. Kurt helping me to bed and tucking me in. Some days those thoughts are very distant and other days it feels like just yesterday.
I still struggle with the FEAR of a recurrence. I have been working really hard with the counselor at the hospital to learn strategies that will help me when that fear creeps in. I still have good days and bad days. Lately more good then bad but the emotional piece has been a huge challenge. I hate the word "survivor". I don't relate to it at all. I don't feel like I did anything great other then what the team of doctors told me to do. I have heard "Aren't you glad it's all over and you can go back to normal?". I want to just jump out of my skin when I hear that. My journey will never be over, this will be my struggle forever. The journey will smooth out but it will never stop. My life will never go back to normal. I would give anything to have my life return to the way it was before. When things just seemed easier and I wasn't living my life in fear. The key is for me to find my "new normal" and to find ways to not allow my fear to consume me. I am a work in progress and I know I will get there.
I am back to work on Monday October 1st. I have all kinds of mixed emotions about that. I wanted nothing more then to go to work when I was in bed and sick after chemo. To just drop my boys at daycare and go to work was all I could think of some days. Well the time has come. I am worried I'll get to work, to the team who supported me throughout the last 10 months and who are the most amazing bunch of women anyone could image and cry. I don't want to cry and not be able to stop. I have so many emotions that I had pushed right down to my toes but now they're all creeping up and I can't hide them any more. I know my team will have the kleenex ready afterall this has been their journey too.
For now I pick up and carry on. I am learning about my new normal and also about the new me. I am greatful to have such amazing friends and family. Jack and Sam keep me laughing every day. They're the greatest kids and I'm so thankful that I'm healthy enough to keep up to them again. I am lucky and I am moving forward.......slowly but it's progress.
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