It's all still so surreal.....

I have been finished treatment now for 5 days but it still has not sunk in.  Everyone asks me how I feel about being done but I don't feel anything right now.  I'm still dealing with the side effects of my last dose so it just feels the same as it always has.  I was happy to walk out and hear "You're cancer free" and get my certificate of completing chemo but it still did not sink in.  I am not sure when it will but when it does I am sure I'll be a bawling mess or else be smiling from ear to ear with tears running down my face.  Either way it will be a great moment. 

I have received so many beautiful flowers and a few amazing presents over the last week.  Cards, emails and phone calls marking the end of treatment.  So many of you have been on this journey with me, some from the very start and some who jumped in during.  Whoever you are and whenever you came in please know how gratful I am.  It's true what they say, you know who your friends are when the going gets tough.  But looking on this journey, I already knew who my true friends were.  And also those true friends of our family.  I have and continue to be so overwhelmed by everyone's love, support, prayers and well wishes.  I know this has been a very difficult journey for everyone too, one that I never wanted to have to have people ride with me.  But the support and love of everyone has made this nightmare so much more bearable. 

I look forward to moving forward and living my life.  First stop.....South Carolina for 2 weeks to reconnect with my kids and my husband.  Also to spend some time with my parents without the worry and stress of appointments and chemo.  As of May 1st my diet will change and I have to start my exercise plan.  I think it will take me all of May to just build up enough stamina to get back to the gym.  My goal is to hit the gym in June.  So if anyone feels like having a walking partner in May let me know.  I'll be out wandering the streets.  I managed not to gain or lose any weight during my treatments but I have lost a lot of strength and feel very weak.  To bad I wasn't able to work out when I was on those steroids.....I could be pretty kick ass right now. 

I am thankful to be healthy and to have made it through treatment.  Chemo has proven to be my greatest accomplishment so far.  I am pretty darn proud of myself right now.  But I know I didn't do it alone and for that I'm so grateful. 

I DID IT!!!!

Yesterday I walked into chemo for the LAST time.  I was sporting my tiara, pink tutu, pink tights, and an amazing t-shirt that was made for me by my team at work.  Pam came down in the morning and presented me with the shirt, a framed picture of my team all in pink shirts and an amazing hand painted breast cancer wine glass.  I was doing okay until I saw the pictures of my team and then I lost it.  Tears just flowed out of my eyes.  The support I have had has been overwhelming and throughout all of this I have missed work and my team so much.  I got all dressed and ready to go.  Pam was decked out in pink and even Kurt had shirt with a little pink in it.  We marched into the hospital like we owned the place.  We pretty well came with luggage as we had snacks, drinks and trash mags as well as my change of cloths and all kinds of other crap.  I turned a lot of heads and people smiled when they heard it was my last chemo.  My fav. nurse was on and she told me she had me but I had to wait for a bed.  When a chair became available she said "Oh, well you want a bed.  Hey, just go into the private room".  So we had our own PARTY room which was likely best because we were a bit rowdy. 

My IV did not go so well this last time due to all the scar tissue in my veins.  She had trouble finding a vein and tried my hand (OUCH) but the IV didn't take so she finally found part of a vein on my arm that worked.  I've had 10 IV's in my right arm since November so my veins are a bit pissed off I think.  Once my IV was in Pam poured me some OJ in my new wine glass (yes we brought it) and we toasted to this being my last chemo.  We munched on fruit and hung out.  Dawn came with lunch for us and pink ribbon cupcakes that she had made for the occasion.  They were SO yummy and that brought a swarm of nurses who each took one for their break.  Our friends Kevin and Lisa were there for Kevin's chemo so it was nice to see them and she enjoyed a cupcake.  Kevin and I started chemo on the same day.  I waited and waited to hear my IV beep marking the end of chemo.  Finally the beep came and Pam and I cheered "It's beeping!!!".  My nurse came in and flushed my line, took out my IV and I was DONE!!!!  I was given a big hug and a certificate of completing chemo that all the nurses signed.  A few more hugs from the nurses and my nurse said, "Congratulations, you are cancer free".  Words I have waited to hear for months.  I saw my oncologist on the way out and got another hug.  I'll be back to see her on May 2nd for a check up. 

Home we came to snuggle the boys and celebrate.  We ordered in food and Kim and the girls came over.  Pam stayed and we watched Grey's and I had a glass (small) of red wine in my new wine glass.  I'm not suppose to drink on chemo days but I didn't really care - it was time to celebrate!!!!  And the wine was SO good.  It was a GREAT day and I still cannot believe that I'm really done.  It hasn't all sunk in yet.  In 2 weeks when I am on a beach and not having to go to chemo, maybe that's when it'll sink in that I DID IT!!!! 

The final round......

Today I saw my oncologist for the last time before my last chemo!!!  It is all very surreal to me right now.  I can't believe I have made it to this point and this is all really coming to an end.  I was given the green light to have chemo tomorrow and also to head South in a week and a half.  She wants to see me the week I get back to do some blood work to make sure my counts have or are starting to recover.  Other then being ordered to stay out of the sun, I'm good to go. 

She told me about a clinical trial that I qualify for and I met with the trial team and got all the information.  It sounds interesting and I'll read over everything this weekend.  I think I'll go ahead and join up with the trial but I just want to make sure I know what I'm getting myself into. 

I cannot wait for tomorrow to come.  I have my work friend Pam coming to my chemo and staying over night and a few friends who are going to come into see me throughout the day.  Then home for a celebration of Thai food for dinner. 

Friday is going to be the first day of the rest of my life as a Breast Cancer Survivor.  I have so many emotions right now, I can't begin to explain them. 

An amazing evening feeling strong and beautiful......

Last night I had pictures done with my bald head.  Yep.....I went "topless" and ditched the wig for some professional pictures to capture this part of my journey.  I went to see Jen and Chris (www.onceuponatimephoto.ca) for an amazing evening of picture taking.  Jen and Chris are SO talented and professional and made me feel very comfortable being bald.  Jen was able to capture some pictures of my strength and courage with my pink boxing gloves but also some fun ones wearing my pink tutu.  It felt so good to be out and feel strong and beautiful.  Dawn's sister in law Erika came to do my make up before I left for the shoot.  I almost forgot how "normal" and beautiful I could look.  It has been so long since I had make up on.  Erika did a great job and it made my pictures look that much more amazing.

I cannot thank Jen and Chris enough for ALL that they have done for me during this journey.  Jen was the one who did our family pictures before I cut my hair short and was able to capture so much emotion.  They truly are such talented and caring people.  We had lots of laughs last night and it was just so relaxed.  I couldn't believe it when I got in the car and it was 10:30pm!!!  The time seemed to fly by.  I cannot wait to see the pictures.

Happy April.....

Finally it's April, a month I have been waiting for since November.  The month that I will be done chemo, the month I will begin my recovery, the month I will begin my life as a "survivor" and the month that I will get on a plane and get the heck out of here to spend time with my family.  HURRAY!!!  I have never been so happy to turn the calendar. 

As I approach the end of my treatment so many people ask me "Are you glad to be finished?".  I am glad to be done treatment but I think "Am I really ever finished?".  The treatment part of this journey will be over but my journey will continue forever.  There will be follow up appointments that will cause me anxiety as well as diet and exercise routines that I'll need to learn and follow.  I'll get a head ache or back ache and worry that the cancer has come back.  I know all these things will get easier with time but I don't think cancer patients are ever "finished".  I wish that some day there will be a cure so cancer patients can do what they need to do and live without fear but I'm not sure if that will ever happen. 

As the week approaches, I am feeling good.  I took Jack to his first movie yesterday.  The excitement in his eyes was amazing and he was so cute while watching the Lorax.  I was so excited to take him and can only imagine that's how I felt when my parents took me to my first movie.  I have a million things to get done before my last chemo as Easter weekend is approaching.  I'll have to do a little Easter shopping and filling of eggs for the hunt while I'm still feeling good.  I have my blood work on Wednesday and chemo on Thursday. 

My pink tutu is all ready for me to wear for my last chemo.  I'm going to get all decked out and make it a party.  Finishing chemo is probably one of my most greatest accomplishments.  All those times I wanted to give up but didn't.  I am feeling pretty proud of myself.