4 down......4 to go......

I survived my 4th chemo session on Friday and my LAST of the horrible ones so that was nice.  I had a lot of nausea while I was there and also afterwards.  I think it's mostly self induced at this point.  My chemo nurse said it's anticipatory anxiety.  Lots of younger people get it apparently.  So I will maybe take a sleeping pill or gravol or something to relax and sleep off some of the time for the last 4 rounds.  My next 4 rounds are between 5 and 6 hours each so I will need something to help me pass that time.  The next 4 are not suppose to be as hard on me as these first ones so here's hoping.  It's hard to be at the half way point.  On one hand I'm really excited that I can count down and be done soon but on the other hand these first 4 have been SO hard that I can't imagine another 4 to go.  I guess just one day at a time. 

With my parents being away for this round I was SO lucky to have such amazing friends "babysit" me at my parents house over the weekend.  Kurt stayed with the boys at home and had lots of help from friends and his parents over the weekend.  When I got home on Sunday the boys didn't even react to me being home at first.  They obviously had a great time with Daddy.  I guess when you get brownies for breakfast who wouldn't.  Kurt has done amazingly well with the boys and everything that he has had to pick up throughout all of this.  I think in a way it has been good for the boys and Kurt to have some quality time together. 

I am feeling pretty good after this session.  I have been taking Claritan for my sinus stuff and that has also helped eliminate the bone pain and aches I get from the needle.  I also cut the one medication down this time and that has seemed to help my stomach.  So I am able to eat more and feel a lot stronger.  I still get exhausted just from climbing the stairs and had to get my father in law to carry Sam to bed for me last night.  I just don't have the energy.  But that should all come back once I'm done and I look forward to the spring/summer weather where I can go for short walks and sit on the back porch to get fresh air.  It has been hard to feel cooped up in the house all winter but I'll be glad to have the nicer weather to be out and about recovering. 

Twas the day before chemo......

My blood work came back fine and my counts were good.  So I'm well enough to be zapped again tomorrow.  I was feeling a bit defeated today and have been just emotionally, physically and mentally exhausted.  So the nurse made a referral for me to see Social Work.  It will be weird to be on the other side of the table but I think if I'm going to get through with any kind of sanity left, I need to talk to someone.  I have lost people in my life to cancer and know that people die of cancer but never did I think I'd be one of those people.  Up until this point I have been very positive about all this and firmly believed that I was cured after my surgery, I would do my treatment and live my life.  But the other day I woke up scared and thought "Holy sh*% this could kill me".  And ever since that moment I've been scared and a basket case.  The oncologist said that it's not uncommon to feel like that a times and that the steroids can make your emotions and thoughts run wild.  So off to Social Work I will go on the 23rd to talk about my feelings. 

On another note, the oncologist said that my sinus issues and cough are related to my chemo drug that I'm currently getting.  Essentially my sinus' are burnt and thus swollen.  So I'm looking at dealing with this for another few weeks.  The GOOD news is that once I switch chemo drugs (after this next round) my sinus issues will clear up.  So on to killing more trees with all the kleenex I am using but the good news is that the end is in sight of the sinus issues.  She said that I will also get my sense of smell back.  She did mention that mine is the "worst case I've ever seen".  Awesome!! 

Tomorrow will mark my last dose of the crappy stuff and my half way point.  I feel good about that.  I've made it this far and I can make it another 2 months.  Here's hoping that the Taxol is easier on me and I will fair as well as they think I will on it.  The oncologist said today that for whatever reason young women have a harder time on chemo.  So not really sure why they would tell me in December that I would fair well and have little issues?!  Maybe so that I'd be convinced enough to do it. 

For now I know that I'm doing all that I can to ensure I have a healthy life after all this.  I need to find a way to let go of my fears of a recurrence and just live my life.  I guess that's what my Social Worker will look at with me.  For now it's one day at a time and one step at a time.  I feel like a marathon runner - they never think of the finish line but just take it one mile at a time.  I will get there, I know I will, I just think I'm at the hardest part right now.  

This cough has got to go......

I have been coughing for 3 weeks now and it's driving me NUTS, not to mention Kurt.  So I saw the family doctor today who felt it was all in my throat and not in my chest.  She gave me some prescription cough medicine that will knock me out and I can only take it once every 12 hours.  I talked to the family doctor about my theory that it was all due to chemo and my sinus' burning.  She didn't think that was unreasonable but I will still see what my oncologist says tomorrow. 

I had a GREAT talk with one of my mom's best friends today.  It was nice to catch up and bounce ideas off her her.  I really value what she thinks and she to is a breast cancer survivor so it's always good to chat about that too.  I know that all of this has not only affected my family but so many other friends who are just like family to us.  I grew up not being close to my own extended family so my parent's friends are just like family to me.  I have been "raised" by so many of my mom's friends and I feel like I have second mother's out there.  It's nice to have them call and check in on me, send me e-mails, bring flowers and mail cards.  I feel badly that I have worried so many people and that this has been very hard on so many other people.  But it's also comforting to know that I am loved and cared for by all the people in my life.  It helps me to know that I am never alone and I can call on anyone to chat when I most need to.  I am the luckiest girl for that. 

Tomorrow I go for my blood work and see my team.  I have my list of questions for my oncologist.  I think I drive her at little nuts sometimes as I always try to come armed with at least one question.  Given that my parents are basking in the southern sun, Kurt is taking me tomorrow.  I hope he takes me out for lunch (like mom always does).  Friday will mark my half way point and I HOPE it's all down hill from there. 

For now, I'm off to take this crazy cough medicine in hopes of sleeping all night and resting my poor throat.  Fingers crossed I can stop coughing soon!!

Can't smell.....

Last night I was roasting chickens and realized I couldn't smell them cooking.  I tried to smell a jar of 'Vicks' and couldn't smell that either.  So now I am worried because I can't smell ANYTHING!!!  I'm not sure if it's because of the chemo drugs burning my sinus' or my sinus infection that seems to be lingering.  It's on my list now of things to ask my oncologist on Thursday.  I am hoping that it's all just temporary like the other side effects of treatment. 

2 months to go......

I woke up this morning and realized that it's February 6th.  That means I only have 2 months of treatments left to go.  My last dose is April 6th!!!  I can do this right?! 


This weekend started out a little rough.  Friday morning I woke up feeling awful and wanting to quit.  I was crying (and crying) and told Kurt I was phoning the oncologist and telling her I quit.  I wanted my life back, I wanted to be a mom, a wife and go to work.  I was done with chemo and feeling crappy all the time.  Kurt just looked at me and said, "I think that's a bad idea".  The phone rang at that moment and it was my Best Friend Colleen.  She heard my tears and said, "I'm leaving and I'll see you in an hour".  She got in her car with her baby and came up from Toronto.  Kurt waited with me until she arrived.  I hadn't seen Colleen since she came up to take care of me after my surgery.  Sickness hit her house and she couldn't come.  It was SO nice to see her.  She just always know what I need when I need it and I instantly felt better.  Saturday I was able to get out and see a few friends from work.  I went to Woodstock for a bridal shower.  It was great to see my work ladies and get some much needed hugs.  I hadn't been out since just after my surgery so I got ready like it was prom and felt really good being out.  We were home late which, resulted in me not being able to sleep.  So on Sunday the boys went to my parents and I had a 4 hour nap.  Kurt and I went to my parents for dinner and then home for Superbowl.  What a game!!!  Thanks to my nap I was able to stay up for the whole game. 

I'm feeling pretty good.  Still coughing and runny nose.  It's annoying but I think it's just a virus.  I'm going to ask if my sinus' could be affected from the chemo given that my nose burns while they're giving me the one chemo drug. 

I'm excited that Friday marks my half way point and also marks my LAST dose of the first 4 drugs.  Feeling pretty good about that.  I have lots of babysitters for me lined up for this weekend as my parents will be in the sunny south.  I'll be staying at their house while Kurt is home with the boys.  Should be an interesting weekend but we'll make it work.  Fingers crossed I'm well enough with the cold to have my treatment on Friday. 

A long nap and some chicken.....

Today was another one of those "low" days where I had no energy and slept most of the day.  I did take a sleeping pill last night and managed to sleep most of the night away.  After getting the kids ready and sending them off to daycare with Kurt, I went back to bed and slept until almost 1pm.  It's a bit of a vicious cycle.....I'm exhausted because my red blood cells are low so I sleep.  But in order to get my cells up I should be eating and drinking.  I can't really do that when I'm asleep.  So I woke up at 1pm feeling awful and starving.  I managed to make some chicken noodle soup with "crumbles" (my mom's specialty when we're sick) and ate most of it.  I actually had to sit down to stir the flour into the egg - the effort was to much to stand for.  I felt a bit better after that and decided to have a bath.  Kurt made me text him when I was out of the tub, he was  bit worried that I was going to be in the bath when feeling so tired and weak.  But the bath was a success, it helped to calm my stomach.  I had to lie down in bed though after my bath because again the effort of sitting in a tub was to much?! 

My mom and dad came to pick me up before they got the boys so that I could lie on their couch for a change of scenery.  FIELD TRIP!!!  Felt good to get out and have a change of location.  Mom roasted a chicken, made stuffing, squash and potatoes.  I had 2 helpings and felt instantly better.  Protein is what I need all along but again it's hard for me to cook anything when all I do is sleep.  I'm thinking I need a personal chef or someone to stay with me all day long.  I'm still tired and feeling blah but feel like my energy is coming back.  I was able to read stories to Jack tonight and even throw in a load of laundry.  Now I'm exhausted and going to try to go to bed tonight without any pills or anything.  I think I'm tired enough to sleep.  I was sent home with tons of leftovers so I know what I'll be eating tomorrow.  My bestie Jo-Ann is coming to see me in the morning and I think we're baking muffins (Kurt's request) so it will be good to see her and have some company.  It's hard to be alone most days. 

I was happy that today is February.  It means I am closer to April and essentially have 2 months left of treatment.  It seems a bit more manageable then it did in December.  I hope this is the turning point of this cycle and I only get feeling better from here on in.  Fingers crossed........

Frustrated and feeling defeated.....

I guess I have come to that time in the chemo cycle where I feel frustrated, exhausted and just want to give up.  I was up from 12:30-3:30am this morning with bad stomach cramps, a headache and feeling just awful.  I went to the basement and ate an apple sauce, watched some TV and cried.  It just felt like what I needed to do.  I came back to bed and tossed and turned before falling asleep about 4:30am.  It's so hard when your body wants to sleep but your mind won't let you.  I figured it was to late to take a sleeping pill so I'd just wait it out.  I'm sick of feeling sick and I am sick of not having any energy to do anything - including being with my kids. 

This morning Jack looked at me and said, "Mommy I love you.  You are the bravest protector in the whole world".  I'm not sure where that came from but it was all I needed to hear to know that I have to keep going.  Sam came up this morning saying "Kiss Mommy.....Kiss".  I am exhausted and feeling horrible but my family is all I need to push forward.  I know this will all pass and things will improve but it's sometimes hard to see the silver lining when you feel so horrible. 

I talked to my support nurse yesterday about my stomach and she figures it's a combo of the chemo drugs and steroids and it should improve with time.  It doesn't sound like to her that there is an actual problem and that it's just all related to all the crap that is going through my system right now.  My poor system that barely saw so much as a tylenol before.  No wonder it's screaming!!! 

Today I am mustering up all my energy and strength to go and register Jack for JK.  I promised myself that no matter how tired and crappy I felt.....I was going to do this.  So I will rest for a bit then get ready to go.  I'll likely need a nap for the rest of the afternoon but that's okay.  As long as I get there and get him registered I've accomplished my goal for today.  Kurt's parents have been helping us out so much since the boys came home from my parents on Sunday.  I don't know what I would do without our parents being close by. 

Onto another day which, is one closer to being done all of this.