Frustrated and feeling defeated.....

I guess I have come to that time in the chemo cycle where I feel frustrated, exhausted and just want to give up.  I was up from 12:30-3:30am this morning with bad stomach cramps, a headache and feeling just awful.  I went to the basement and ate an apple sauce, watched some TV and cried.  It just felt like what I needed to do.  I came back to bed and tossed and turned before falling asleep about 4:30am.  It's so hard when your body wants to sleep but your mind won't let you.  I figured it was to late to take a sleeping pill so I'd just wait it out.  I'm sick of feeling sick and I am sick of not having any energy to do anything - including being with my kids. 

This morning Jack looked at me and said, "Mommy I love you.  You are the bravest protector in the whole world".  I'm not sure where that came from but it was all I needed to hear to know that I have to keep going.  Sam came up this morning saying "Kiss Mommy.....Kiss".  I am exhausted and feeling horrible but my family is all I need to push forward.  I know this will all pass and things will improve but it's sometimes hard to see the silver lining when you feel so horrible. 

I talked to my support nurse yesterday about my stomach and she figures it's a combo of the chemo drugs and steroids and it should improve with time.  It doesn't sound like to her that there is an actual problem and that it's just all related to all the crap that is going through my system right now.  My poor system that barely saw so much as a tylenol before.  No wonder it's screaming!!! 

Today I am mustering up all my energy and strength to go and register Jack for JK.  I promised myself that no matter how tired and crappy I felt.....I was going to do this.  So I will rest for a bit then get ready to go.  I'll likely need a nap for the rest of the afternoon but that's okay.  As long as I get there and get him registered I've accomplished my goal for today.  Kurt's parents have been helping us out so much since the boys came home from my parents on Sunday.  I don't know what I would do without our parents being close by. 

Onto another day which, is one closer to being done all of this.