Back in January I had my genetic testing with the hopes of ruling out the breast cancer gene. The test looks at the BRCA 1 and BRCA 2 genes. On September 25, 2012 I finally got my results. I DO NOT HAVE THE GENE (cue happy dance!!). So that means that I am not at a higher risk of ovarian or cervical cancer and my boys are not at an increased risk of prostate cancer. I am thrilled for me that I don't have the gene but even more thrilled for my kids and my brother's kids that I don't carry the gene. I was told that now the test is catching 95% of people with the gene so I left feeling very confident.
The million dollar question now becomes WHY?! My cancer was not fed by any hormones and I don't have the gene. So why when I was in the best shape of my life did I get cancer? I am choosing to believe that it was just a one off.
I have spent the summer working on my emotional health and well being. I enjoyed many great beach trips with family and friends and enjoyed every second of time with my kids (well maybe not when they were fighting but the majority of the time). I went back to the gym and started to build up my stamina with yoga and cardio. It feels good to be back to the gym and able to be active again. I can't help but remember crawling up the stairs on my hands and knees not to long ago because I was to sick and weak to walk. Kurt helping me to bed and tucking me in. Some days those thoughts are very distant and other days it feels like just yesterday.
I still struggle with the FEAR of a recurrence. I have been working really hard with the counselor at the hospital to learn strategies that will help me when that fear creeps in. I still have good days and bad days. Lately more good then bad but the emotional piece has been a huge challenge. I hate the word "survivor". I don't relate to it at all. I don't feel like I did anything great other then what the team of doctors told me to do. I have heard "Aren't you glad it's all over and you can go back to normal?". I want to just jump out of my skin when I hear that. My journey will never be over, this will be my struggle forever. The journey will smooth out but it will never stop. My life will never go back to normal. I would give anything to have my life return to the way it was before. When things just seemed easier and I wasn't living my life in fear. The key is for me to find my "new normal" and to find ways to not allow my fear to consume me. I am a work in progress and I know I will get there.
I am back to work on Monday October 1st. I have all kinds of mixed emotions about that. I wanted nothing more then to go to work when I was in bed and sick after chemo. To just drop my boys at daycare and go to work was all I could think of some days. Well the time has come. I am worried I'll get to work, to the team who supported me throughout the last 10 months and who are the most amazing bunch of women anyone could image and cry. I don't want to cry and not be able to stop. I have so many emotions that I had pushed right down to my toes but now they're all creeping up and I can't hide them any more. I know my team will have the kleenex ready afterall this has been their journey too.
For now I pick up and carry on. I am learning about my new normal and also about the new me. I am greatful to have such amazing friends and family. Jack and Sam keep me laughing every day. They're the greatest kids and I'm so thankful that I'm healthy enough to keep up to them again. I am lucky and I am moving forward.......slowly but it's progress.
Thursday, 27 September 2012
Tuesday, 14 August 2012
9 months later......
August 11th marked my 9 months diagnosis date and also 9 months into my 2 years of "highest risk for recurrence time".
I was at the oncologist yesterday for a check up and received a clean bill of health :) I always hold my breath when she does the "breast" exam and checks my lymph nodes. I just close my eyes and think "don't find anything......don't find anything". It's always a relief and I finally breathe when she says "ok, you're good". I was on the high of the rollar coaster for the day yesterday. When things are good they're really good but when things are bad they're really bad.
I have totally underestimated the emotional healing that needs to take place with a cancer diagnosis. When I was in treatment it was all focused on the physical aspect of the disease. Get the cancer out meant surgery, heal from the surgery, get the drains out, do the pre-chemo scans, start chemo, chemo every 14 days for 4 months, deal with the physical side effects etc. Now I feel great physically but the emotional side of things has kicked into full gear, leaving me sad, angry and confused all at once. I burst into tears at the smallest thing and I often look at my kids faces with sadness. It's SO hard to not let myself go to "when it comes back" or "what if". It's hard to live my life as if nothing ever happened. People will ask me if it's nice to be back to "normal". God I wish my life could be back to normal, back to the way it was pre-cancer. But it will never be. Cancer has and will forever change who I am, how I see the world, what I value and what my worries are. I was at Kurt's cousin's wedding at the beginning of August and while his Aunt and Uncle were giving their speech at their son's wedding, I started to cry. I couldn't help but hope that I will be able to be that mother of the groom and that I will be able to talk about my boys growing up into amazing men and seeing them marry the girl of their dreams. It's in those moments that I can't help myself and the tears just flow down my face.
The emotional healing has proved to be the hardest part of this whole process. I have been done chemo for 4 months now (as long as I was in chemo) but I feel like my journey has just begun. Trying to get a hold of my emotions and fears has proved to be MUCH harder then healing from anything else. It's hard mostly because there is no set plan and there are no hard and fast rules on what to do to "fix" it. When it was physical there was a plan and I just went along with what my team had put on the table for me to do. With this there is no real plan. No one can tell me how to fix it, no one can give me hard and fast things to do that will make it all go away......it's all up to me and I'm scared.
I have stayed on my anti-depressant. I can't imagine what a total basket case I'd be without it. I have also reached out to the social worker at the hospital and I'm seeing her every 2 weeks for counseling. I said to her "you NEED to tell me how to do this whole live my life thing". She just shook her head and said, "nope. You already know but I will help you to do what you already know". I honestly think I should have bought shares in Kleenex!!!! At least I could be making money out of this deal.
So I struggle each and every day to find a balance. To push my fears to the back of my mind and move forward. My motivation throughout all of this has always remained my kids. My boys laughs, smiles, kisses and hugs will always be the BEST medicine anyone can give me. I try to stay strong for them, to hold it together for them so that I can be there for them. When Sam runs behind me saying "Mommy don't leave without me" or Jack says, "I need you Mommy". I think, "I never want to leave without you and I need you more!!!". That's what keeps me going.
This whole journey and rollar coaster ride has been the hardest thing I have ever had to do. On most rollar coasters it's you as the parent holding your kids hand and reassuring them they're safe and okay. On this rollar coaster ride it's my kids holding my hand and me feeling that as long as they are, I am safe and okay.
I was at the oncologist yesterday for a check up and received a clean bill of health :) I always hold my breath when she does the "breast" exam and checks my lymph nodes. I just close my eyes and think "don't find anything......don't find anything". It's always a relief and I finally breathe when she says "ok, you're good". I was on the high of the rollar coaster for the day yesterday. When things are good they're really good but when things are bad they're really bad.
I have totally underestimated the emotional healing that needs to take place with a cancer diagnosis. When I was in treatment it was all focused on the physical aspect of the disease. Get the cancer out meant surgery, heal from the surgery, get the drains out, do the pre-chemo scans, start chemo, chemo every 14 days for 4 months, deal with the physical side effects etc. Now I feel great physically but the emotional side of things has kicked into full gear, leaving me sad, angry and confused all at once. I burst into tears at the smallest thing and I often look at my kids faces with sadness. It's SO hard to not let myself go to "when it comes back" or "what if". It's hard to live my life as if nothing ever happened. People will ask me if it's nice to be back to "normal". God I wish my life could be back to normal, back to the way it was pre-cancer. But it will never be. Cancer has and will forever change who I am, how I see the world, what I value and what my worries are. I was at Kurt's cousin's wedding at the beginning of August and while his Aunt and Uncle were giving their speech at their son's wedding, I started to cry. I couldn't help but hope that I will be able to be that mother of the groom and that I will be able to talk about my boys growing up into amazing men and seeing them marry the girl of their dreams. It's in those moments that I can't help myself and the tears just flow down my face.
The emotional healing has proved to be the hardest part of this whole process. I have been done chemo for 4 months now (as long as I was in chemo) but I feel like my journey has just begun. Trying to get a hold of my emotions and fears has proved to be MUCH harder then healing from anything else. It's hard mostly because there is no set plan and there are no hard and fast rules on what to do to "fix" it. When it was physical there was a plan and I just went along with what my team had put on the table for me to do. With this there is no real plan. No one can tell me how to fix it, no one can give me hard and fast things to do that will make it all go away......it's all up to me and I'm scared.
I have stayed on my anti-depressant. I can't imagine what a total basket case I'd be without it. I have also reached out to the social worker at the hospital and I'm seeing her every 2 weeks for counseling. I said to her "you NEED to tell me how to do this whole live my life thing". She just shook her head and said, "nope. You already know but I will help you to do what you already know". I honestly think I should have bought shares in Kleenex!!!! At least I could be making money out of this deal.
So I struggle each and every day to find a balance. To push my fears to the back of my mind and move forward. My motivation throughout all of this has always remained my kids. My boys laughs, smiles, kisses and hugs will always be the BEST medicine anyone can give me. I try to stay strong for them, to hold it together for them so that I can be there for them. When Sam runs behind me saying "Mommy don't leave without me" or Jack says, "I need you Mommy". I think, "I never want to leave without you and I need you more!!!". That's what keeps me going.
This whole journey and rollar coaster ride has been the hardest thing I have ever had to do. On most rollar coasters it's you as the parent holding your kids hand and reassuring them they're safe and okay. On this rollar coaster ride it's my kids holding my hand and me feeling that as long as they are, I am safe and okay.
Friday, 20 July 2012
Can't help it but to stop and think.....
On July 9/12 one of my co-workers passed away at the age of 49 years. She was an amazing social worker and a true shining example of how we should all doing the work that we do. She was a great friend to so many of those that I work with and a real presence at the agency. She will continue to inspire us every day and we will miss her more then she would have ever expected. She died of cancer. A cancer that was not found until it was to late. A cancer that robbed her of a fulfilling life. A cancer that took her away from children who are in need. Can I just say how much I HATE cancer?!
Her memorial service was this past Wednesday. It was a TRUE memorial service. A celebration of her life, of who she was, of what she did best and of what she'll be forever remembered for. A past co-worker has left the agency and has gone to school to become as Pastor. She did the memorial service. This proved to be a very difficult task as she had worked with Frieda for a long time and they were very close. As I sat in the church with tears streaming down my face, I couldn't help but think "This all could have been for me". I was told many months ago that if my cancer had not been found when it was, this summer I would likely no longer be here. I looked at the beautiful framed picture of Frieda's smiling face and had a knot in my stomach. The memorial was not about me but I was so overcome by emotions and sheer anger that cancer has taken yet another amazing human being, I could hardly sit there. Watching the people that I care about feel so hurt and saddened by the loss of Frieda, listening to the music, seeing the pictures of Frieda in happier/healthier times and hearing all that everyone said about her was truly overwhelming for me. As I drove home that night I couldn't help but wonder what people would say about me. Frieda's sister spoke and it was so moving but would my brother really be able to speak?! What music would they play? Who would come? I couldn't help but reflect as I drove home feeling overwhelmed and drained. It was a beautiful memorial and a true celebration of her life.
I am just starting to process everything that has happened to me. It seemed to all happen so quickly that I really didn't give myself enough time to process. Now that I'm home and feeling pretty good it's time, I guess, for me to face what has happened. There are days when I am so overcome with my feelings that I get in the car and go to see anyone who is home. It's hard for me to be alone so I try not to be. I still have lots of little projects that I want to get done but I find that I just can't concentrate for very long. I've enjoyed the summer so far and have had lots of time with friends and family. It has been nice. But as I think about my pending return to work I know that I have to process all of this before I get back to my "life". So one day at a time. I still have my good and bad days but overall I'm feeling better and moving forward.
Her memorial service was this past Wednesday. It was a TRUE memorial service. A celebration of her life, of who she was, of what she did best and of what she'll be forever remembered for. A past co-worker has left the agency and has gone to school to become as Pastor. She did the memorial service. This proved to be a very difficult task as she had worked with Frieda for a long time and they were very close. As I sat in the church with tears streaming down my face, I couldn't help but think "This all could have been for me". I was told many months ago that if my cancer had not been found when it was, this summer I would likely no longer be here. I looked at the beautiful framed picture of Frieda's smiling face and had a knot in my stomach. The memorial was not about me but I was so overcome by emotions and sheer anger that cancer has taken yet another amazing human being, I could hardly sit there. Watching the people that I care about feel so hurt and saddened by the loss of Frieda, listening to the music, seeing the pictures of Frieda in happier/healthier times and hearing all that everyone said about her was truly overwhelming for me. As I drove home that night I couldn't help but wonder what people would say about me. Frieda's sister spoke and it was so moving but would my brother really be able to speak?! What music would they play? Who would come? I couldn't help but reflect as I drove home feeling overwhelmed and drained. It was a beautiful memorial and a true celebration of her life.
I am just starting to process everything that has happened to me. It seemed to all happen so quickly that I really didn't give myself enough time to process. Now that I'm home and feeling pretty good it's time, I guess, for me to face what has happened. There are days when I am so overcome with my feelings that I get in the car and go to see anyone who is home. It's hard for me to be alone so I try not to be. I still have lots of little projects that I want to get done but I find that I just can't concentrate for very long. I've enjoyed the summer so far and have had lots of time with friends and family. It has been nice. But as I think about my pending return to work I know that I have to process all of this before I get back to my "life". So one day at a time. I still have my good and bad days but overall I'm feeling better and moving forward.
Monday, 25 June 2012
My clinical trial......
First, I have to say that I've been all consumed with the "living life" stage and have not updated my blog in awhile. I must admit that the "living life" stage is MUCH more enjoyable then any other stage of this journey so far. I have been on a girls weekend to Florida, celebrated my in-laws 40th anniversary, spent time with family and friends and have enjoyed every second with my boys and Kurt. So I apologise for not keeping my blog up to date.
A little update on my medical side of things. I saw my family doctor this month to renew my prescription for my anti-depressant. I still feel like I need it since I don't feel that I have truly process all this yet. I think the meds help me to be a better mom with more patience and understanding. They help to take the edge off of my "anger" and feelings of sadness that this has all really happened. So we renewed that and she felt that I looked great. I also saw my surgeon this month. He did the "breast" exam (I always hold my breathe and wish and hope that nothing is found). He checks my lymph nodes and said I look and feel fine. He wants me to go for a mammogram and sent another referral to the plastic surgeon. Apparently the other plastic surgeon "does not like to do young women". So I'm being referred to someone else. I'm not in a hurry for this and so I really don't care about the wait to get in. Apparently they can still mammogram me. I'm not sure how this will all go but I guess it can be done. He said that very rarely does the cancer return to the scar/scar tissue so they mammogram yearly to be sure. My date for the mammogram is November 5th......a year to the day that I was first at Freeport for the mammogram and biopsy and met the surgeon. A bit unsettling but I guess my year cancerversary is coming.
Now onto the clinical trial stuff. All my blood work came back fine and my new clinical trial team feels that I am looking and sounding great. I have been taking Metformin for a month now and today I start my twice a day routine. I found an article that explains the trial that I am part of so I'll link it here so you can read about it.
http://clinicaltrials.gov/ct2/show/NCT01101438
It's an interesting study and it could be the breakthrough that us Triple Negative cancer patients need. Being TN means that my cancer was not fed by hormones. That sounds like a good thing, and it is, but it also means we don't know what caused my cancer. So it means I cannot take any meds or have any further treatment to stop what is feeding my cancer. For those women who have estrogen feeding their cancer, they take a drug for 5 years which stops estrogen from being produced hence stops the cancer from being fed. I don't have that option. That means that TN cancer patients have a higher rate of recurrence because the cause of their cancer is unknown and TN cancer tends to be more aggressive. It doesn't mean that I will have a recurrence but it's a crap shoot. So any drug or vaccine or anything that would help us with TN would be a MAJOR breakthrough in cancer research.
On a lighter note......I am happy to report that I now have all my own eyebrows back and eyelashes. My hair is growing in like a weed. It's still rather short and to short to tell if it will be curly but it's SO soft and the colour of dirty dish water. The novelty of shaving my legs has totally worn off but it was fun at first. I have been going "topless" for the last few weeks (no hat, scarves or wig) and it feels SO good.
I am looking forward to enjoying my summer. Beach trips, BBQ's, time with family and friends and most importantly time with my amazing boys and Kurt. Life is good, I'm feeling good and that's all that matters.
A little update on my medical side of things. I saw my family doctor this month to renew my prescription for my anti-depressant. I still feel like I need it since I don't feel that I have truly process all this yet. I think the meds help me to be a better mom with more patience and understanding. They help to take the edge off of my "anger" and feelings of sadness that this has all really happened. So we renewed that and she felt that I looked great. I also saw my surgeon this month. He did the "breast" exam (I always hold my breathe and wish and hope that nothing is found). He checks my lymph nodes and said I look and feel fine. He wants me to go for a mammogram and sent another referral to the plastic surgeon. Apparently the other plastic surgeon "does not like to do young women". So I'm being referred to someone else. I'm not in a hurry for this and so I really don't care about the wait to get in. Apparently they can still mammogram me. I'm not sure how this will all go but I guess it can be done. He said that very rarely does the cancer return to the scar/scar tissue so they mammogram yearly to be sure. My date for the mammogram is November 5th......a year to the day that I was first at Freeport for the mammogram and biopsy and met the surgeon. A bit unsettling but I guess my year cancerversary is coming.
Now onto the clinical trial stuff. All my blood work came back fine and my new clinical trial team feels that I am looking and sounding great. I have been taking Metformin for a month now and today I start my twice a day routine. I found an article that explains the trial that I am part of so I'll link it here so you can read about it.
http://clinicaltrials.gov/ct2/show/NCT01101438
It's an interesting study and it could be the breakthrough that us Triple Negative cancer patients need. Being TN means that my cancer was not fed by hormones. That sounds like a good thing, and it is, but it also means we don't know what caused my cancer. So it means I cannot take any meds or have any further treatment to stop what is feeding my cancer. For those women who have estrogen feeding their cancer, they take a drug for 5 years which stops estrogen from being produced hence stops the cancer from being fed. I don't have that option. That means that TN cancer patients have a higher rate of recurrence because the cause of their cancer is unknown and TN cancer tends to be more aggressive. It doesn't mean that I will have a recurrence but it's a crap shoot. So any drug or vaccine or anything that would help us with TN would be a MAJOR breakthrough in cancer research.
On a lighter note......I am happy to report that I now have all my own eyebrows back and eyelashes. My hair is growing in like a weed. It's still rather short and to short to tell if it will be curly but it's SO soft and the colour of dirty dish water. The novelty of shaving my legs has totally worn off but it was fun at first. I have been going "topless" for the last few weeks (no hat, scarves or wig) and it feels SO good.
I am looking forward to enjoying my summer. Beach trips, BBQ's, time with family and friends and most importantly time with my amazing boys and Kurt. Life is good, I'm feeling good and that's all that matters.
Wednesday, 23 May 2012
Feeling the need for a hampster wheel.....
I am about to feel like a rat running on a wheel in a cage. Yep.....it's clinical trial time. I went to the hospital today and met with my new team. I had 7 vials of blood taken by my own technician. Apparently with the trial things are all so controlled so I had a special tech take my blood and not the usual girls that I've had over the past 6 months. I had to fast for this blood test so I was ready to chew my arm off when I got there. After blood work I went to Tim Hortons to get a muffin and a coffee. I always buy the receptionist a coffee too. I know her order off by heart. I guess I've become a bit familiar with the cancer centre!! I went back up to the clinic to eat my muffin and drink my coffee. An elderly woman was arguing with her son and the volunteer about not wanting to do the symptom chart because she didn't want her son to know how she was feeling. I had to chuckle. I can only imagine this will be my mom and I some day.
I got called back by a new nurse and sat in a room to answer a BUNCH of questions. Most of which I had to answer "No" to. She'd ask me a question and I'd say "No" or "None" and she'd flip 3 pages. Apparently I am to healthy and so is my family given the lack of family history and the lack of medications I am on. She said I was her easiest one yet. Again I had to think "This is why I don't belong here". After my personal interview I was ushered over to the scale where they took my weight and then took my height. They also measured my waist and hips?! Maybe I'll get some kind of cute cape or something to wear while I'm running on my wheel. The oncologist came in who is new to me also and did a look, listen and feel. She said I am the picture of health and all my counts and vitals are good. Great!!! So maybe a few less laps on the wheel will be required if I'm in such great shape now. She talked about the trial and how I'll get the placebo or the medication that I will take twice a day for 5 years. I come back every 6 months for blood work (7 vials) and a look, listen and feel. I am to call if I have any problems of questions (as long as it's during business hours) and I will come back Monday for a pharmacy teaching and to get 6 months worth of pills. I didn't have the heart to ask her when I get my cage and my wheel. So off I went saying good-bye to all my "friends" there. It really does feel like a little family to me and my home away from home. I couldn't help but notice the new people in the waiting room looking so nervous. I remember feeling that way and now I walk in and know everyone and talk to them all as if we're best friends.
I am happy that I received another clean bill of health and that I am going to be part of research. It feels good to be able to give back to the medical field. Who knows.....I just may like being a lab rat!!!
I got called back by a new nurse and sat in a room to answer a BUNCH of questions. Most of which I had to answer "No" to. She'd ask me a question and I'd say "No" or "None" and she'd flip 3 pages. Apparently I am to healthy and so is my family given the lack of family history and the lack of medications I am on. She said I was her easiest one yet. Again I had to think "This is why I don't belong here". After my personal interview I was ushered over to the scale where they took my weight and then took my height. They also measured my waist and hips?! Maybe I'll get some kind of cute cape or something to wear while I'm running on my wheel. The oncologist came in who is new to me also and did a look, listen and feel. She said I am the picture of health and all my counts and vitals are good. Great!!! So maybe a few less laps on the wheel will be required if I'm in such great shape now. She talked about the trial and how I'll get the placebo or the medication that I will take twice a day for 5 years. I come back every 6 months for blood work (7 vials) and a look, listen and feel. I am to call if I have any problems of questions (as long as it's during business hours) and I will come back Monday for a pharmacy teaching and to get 6 months worth of pills. I didn't have the heart to ask her when I get my cage and my wheel. So off I went saying good-bye to all my "friends" there. It really does feel like a little family to me and my home away from home. I couldn't help but notice the new people in the waiting room looking so nervous. I remember feeling that way and now I walk in and know everyone and talk to them all as if we're best friends.
I am happy that I received another clean bill of health and that I am going to be part of research. It feels good to be able to give back to the medical field. Who knows.....I just may like being a lab rat!!!
Friday, 18 May 2012
6 months and 1 week......
Well it has been 6 months and 1 week since I heard those 3 words that changed my life in a second and turned my whole world upside down. "You have cancer" was never something I had planned to or would have wanted to hear in my lifetime. But on November 11/11 that's what I was told. I remember feeling so numb but also in a way relieved. I was relieved that I finally knew. The waiting and not knowing is the hardest part. On that day, in that moment, I knew. I had cancer! I had f**king cancer!!! I was relieved that a plan could be made and I could move forward in order to get the cancer OUT of my body. I remember leaving the surgeon's office and stopping at the reception desk for all my information for surgery. I was bawling my eyes out and my legs were so weak. I don't know how I didn't just fall down. The emotions took over and I was shaking. The receptionist gave me a brochure entitled, "Your journey with breast cancer". I looked down at it and for a second was not really sure why she was giving it to me. Was this all really happening?! Walking out of the office I stopped and looked at Kurt with tears streaming down my face, all I said was "How am I suppose to tell my parents? What do I say? How do I tell them I have cancer?". I know that not only was that the day that turned my world upside down but that was also the day that turned my parent's world upside down.
People have told me how strong I have been through the last 6 months and what an inspiration I am to them. I have not always felt strong and inspiring but those are the qualities that my parents have given me. The strongest people through all of this have been my Mom and Dad. They have not shed tears (at least not with me), they have been open and honest, have done research and my Mom has relied on and talked with all her girlfriends. My Mom has many friends who have all survived the battle with breast cancer. They have received so much amazing support through their journey as they have tried to support me and have tried to process why this has all had to happen. My brother being 7 hours away has struggled with the news too. His baby sister had cancer! How is that fair? And because he does not live close I had to send lots of text messages and make phone calls to reassure him that I was really okay. I'd take pictures of my balding head and moments in chemo and text them to him. I'd always ensure to put on my best smile so that he'd believe that I was doing alright. Every chemo Friday Warren would send me multiple text messages to check in and see how things were going. And all weekend after chemo I'd get messages to see how I was feeling.
I have spent the last 6 weeks post chemo working on getting my strength back. I have gone from literally crawling up the stairs because I was so weak and exhausted to walking an hour with my girlfriends. I am eating well and have a few great new cookbooks. I am feeling good and more like myself every day. I'm finding out who the new me is and trying to get back to a new normal. The fatigue is still there and my "chemo fog" is still affecting my short term memory but they are getting better each day. Patience has never been my strong suit but I am trying to take it easy and just let time heal. I've come a long way in the last few weeks post chemo and know in another 6 weeks I'll be even stronger. My hair is growing back and I have a five o'clock shadow on my head. All my eyebrows fell out after my chemo was over and they're now growing back, as are my eyelashes. I shaved my legs for the first time last week and was never so excited to shave them.
On May 11/12 I had a post chemo party. I was overwhelmed by the number of people who came. It was a great time and also a great way to put closure to the diagnosis and treatment parts of this journey. It was not just closure for me but for everyone who has been on this journey with me. Our support network has been incredible and I will never be able to thank everyone the way you deserve to be thanked.
They say everything happens for a reason. I feel that my cancer brought Warren and I closer together. I learned that he cares more about me than I ever knew. I learned that this has been the hardest thing that my family and I have had to go through. I've learned to let go of the things that I use to stress over constantly. I've learned that my house will not always be perfect, my laundry will not always be put away, there may be toys all over the place and all that is okay. I've learned that I will never be that sick and tired again. I've learned that I don't need my breasts, hair, eyebrows, eyelashes or any other hair for that matter to be happy or to live. I've learned that stress is terrible for my well being and mental health. I've learned who my true friends are and that I am better off without some of the people who I thought were my friends but really aren't. I've learned that no matter what life throws at me, I can handle it. I've learned what it means to have cancer. I've learned that my body is amazing. I've learned that despite the chemo, the BEST medicine throughout all this has been my children. What I'm still learning is what it means to be a survivor........
People have told me how strong I have been through the last 6 months and what an inspiration I am to them. I have not always felt strong and inspiring but those are the qualities that my parents have given me. The strongest people through all of this have been my Mom and Dad. They have not shed tears (at least not with me), they have been open and honest, have done research and my Mom has relied on and talked with all her girlfriends. My Mom has many friends who have all survived the battle with breast cancer. They have received so much amazing support through their journey as they have tried to support me and have tried to process why this has all had to happen. My brother being 7 hours away has struggled with the news too. His baby sister had cancer! How is that fair? And because he does not live close I had to send lots of text messages and make phone calls to reassure him that I was really okay. I'd take pictures of my balding head and moments in chemo and text them to him. I'd always ensure to put on my best smile so that he'd believe that I was doing alright. Every chemo Friday Warren would send me multiple text messages to check in and see how things were going. And all weekend after chemo I'd get messages to see how I was feeling.
I have spent the last 6 weeks post chemo working on getting my strength back. I have gone from literally crawling up the stairs because I was so weak and exhausted to walking an hour with my girlfriends. I am eating well and have a few great new cookbooks. I am feeling good and more like myself every day. I'm finding out who the new me is and trying to get back to a new normal. The fatigue is still there and my "chemo fog" is still affecting my short term memory but they are getting better each day. Patience has never been my strong suit but I am trying to take it easy and just let time heal. I've come a long way in the last few weeks post chemo and know in another 6 weeks I'll be even stronger. My hair is growing back and I have a five o'clock shadow on my head. All my eyebrows fell out after my chemo was over and they're now growing back, as are my eyelashes. I shaved my legs for the first time last week and was never so excited to shave them.
On May 11/12 I had a post chemo party. I was overwhelmed by the number of people who came. It was a great time and also a great way to put closure to the diagnosis and treatment parts of this journey. It was not just closure for me but for everyone who has been on this journey with me. Our support network has been incredible and I will never be able to thank everyone the way you deserve to be thanked.
They say everything happens for a reason. I feel that my cancer brought Warren and I closer together. I learned that he cares more about me than I ever knew. I learned that this has been the hardest thing that my family and I have had to go through. I've learned to let go of the things that I use to stress over constantly. I've learned that my house will not always be perfect, my laundry will not always be put away, there may be toys all over the place and all that is okay. I've learned that I will never be that sick and tired again. I've learned that I don't need my breasts, hair, eyebrows, eyelashes or any other hair for that matter to be happy or to live. I've learned that stress is terrible for my well being and mental health. I've learned who my true friends are and that I am better off without some of the people who I thought were my friends but really aren't. I've learned that no matter what life throws at me, I can handle it. I've learned what it means to have cancer. I've learned that my body is amazing. I've learned that despite the chemo, the BEST medicine throughout all this has been my children. What I'm still learning is what it means to be a survivor........
Monday, 7 May 2012
Happy Birthday to Me......
Saturday was my 34th birthday. A day that I was not sure I was going to see at times during the last few months. I have never really cared all that much about my birthday but this year I sure did!! I woke up to my boys and Kurt singing 'Happy Birthday' as they brought me breakfast in bed. We went to Chuck E Cheese at 9:30am for my "birthday party". Jack insists that if it's your birthday, that's where you go. I was met by my parents, Mommy friends, children and some of my high school girls. We had a great time playing games, eating pizza and hanging out. It really is a place "Where a kid can be a kid". I even rode the little kid merry-go-round with Sam and Jack. FUN!!! After that I went to the Spa with my Mom for 90min facials. SO relaxing and what a great Spa. I can't wait to go back on Friday for my pedicure. I came home to a homemade baked cake thanks to my boys (with some help from Kurt) and we ate cake at 4:30pm. Kurt and I went for a late sushi dinner with Lorri and Scott. My first sushi since my diagnosis. SO yummy and oh how I missed it. Overall, it was a great birthday. I cannot wait to have another 50 birthdays.
On Sunday, I went to family swim with Kurt and the boys. Our friend Nikki had been filling in for me during my treatment and taking the boys with Kurt. I was SO excited to finally be able to go with them. I sported my bald head and walked out proudly. I didn't care of notice if anyone looked at me. I was with my family and that's all that mattered. I did catch the lifeguard looking at me near the end with the "pity" look and just smiled at her. Jack had fun pouring water on my head to "make my hair grow".
It feels good to slowly be getting back to normal and to finally being able to feel well enough to do things with my family. I still think of caner every day and I had moments on my birthday where I was scared or sad hoping this was not my last birthday but, I try to push those thoughts out quickly. I try to enjoy each day and the moments that I am in. I think that I am having less "cancer moments". It's easier to stay busy and keep my mind off of it when I can actually do things. Before I would just lie in bed and think.
A friend of mine called me a "Survivor" the other day. It sort of caught me off guard. I have yet to think of myself as that. I have just done what the doctors told me to do and I have taken each day as it comes. This is the hardest thing I have ever had to do and yes at times I had to really fight but I guess I don't yet feel like a survivor. I just feel like I did what I had to do. I suppose that feeling might come later. To be honest, I have yet to process the entire thing. I am sure I will at some point, and I hope I do, but everything has happened so quickly that I have just done what was presented to me.
The nice weather is coming, I am a year older and life is GOOD!!!!
On Sunday, I went to family swim with Kurt and the boys. Our friend Nikki had been filling in for me during my treatment and taking the boys with Kurt. I was SO excited to finally be able to go with them. I sported my bald head and walked out proudly. I didn't care of notice if anyone looked at me. I was with my family and that's all that mattered. I did catch the lifeguard looking at me near the end with the "pity" look and just smiled at her. Jack had fun pouring water on my head to "make my hair grow".
It feels good to slowly be getting back to normal and to finally being able to feel well enough to do things with my family. I still think of caner every day and I had moments on my birthday where I was scared or sad hoping this was not my last birthday but, I try to push those thoughts out quickly. I try to enjoy each day and the moments that I am in. I think that I am having less "cancer moments". It's easier to stay busy and keep my mind off of it when I can actually do things. Before I would just lie in bed and think.
A friend of mine called me a "Survivor" the other day. It sort of caught me off guard. I have yet to think of myself as that. I have just done what the doctors told me to do and I have taken each day as it comes. This is the hardest thing I have ever had to do and yes at times I had to really fight but I guess I don't yet feel like a survivor. I just feel like I did what I had to do. I suppose that feeling might come later. To be honest, I have yet to process the entire thing. I am sure I will at some point, and I hope I do, but everything has happened so quickly that I have just done what was presented to me.
The nice weather is coming, I am a year older and life is GOOD!!!!
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