6 months and 1 week......

Well it has been 6 months and 1 week since I heard those 3 words that changed my life in a second and turned my whole world upside down.  "You have cancer" was never something I had planned to or would have wanted to hear in my lifetime.  But on November 11/11 that's what I was told.  I remember feeling so numb but also in a way relieved.  I was relieved that I finally knew.  The waiting and not knowing is the hardest part.  On that day, in that moment, I knew.  I had cancer!  I had f**king cancer!!!  I was relieved that a plan could be made and I could move forward in order to get the cancer OUT of my body.  I remember leaving the surgeon's office and stopping at the reception desk for all my information for surgery.  I was bawling my eyes out and my legs were so weak.  I don't know how I didn't just fall down.  The emotions took over and I was shaking.  The receptionist gave me a brochure entitled, "Your journey with breast cancer".  I looked down at it and for a second was not really sure why she was giving it to me.  Was this all really happening?!  Walking out of the office I stopped and looked at Kurt with tears streaming down my face, all I said was "How am I suppose to tell my parents?  What do I say?  How do I tell them I have cancer?".  I know that not only was that the day that turned my world upside down but that was also the day that turned my parent's world upside down. 

People have told me how strong I have been through the last 6 months and what an inspiration I am to them.  I have not always felt strong and inspiring but those are the qualities that my parents have given me.  The strongest people through all of this have been my Mom and Dad.  They have not shed tears (at least not with me), they have been open and honest, have done research and my Mom has relied on and talked with all her girlfriends.  My Mom has many friends who have all survived the battle with breast cancer.  They have received so much amazing support through their journey as they have tried to support me and have tried to process why this has all had to happen.  My brother being 7 hours away has struggled with the news too.  His baby sister had cancer!  How is that fair?  And because he does not live close I had to send lots of text messages and make phone calls to reassure him that I was really okay.  I'd take pictures of my balding head and moments in chemo and text them to him.  I'd always ensure to put on my best smile so that he'd believe that I was doing alright.  Every chemo Friday Warren would send me multiple text messages to check in and see how things were going.  And all weekend after chemo I'd get messages to see how I was feeling. 

I have spent the last 6 weeks post chemo working on getting my strength back.  I have gone from literally crawling up the stairs because I was so weak and exhausted to walking an hour with my girlfriends.  I am eating well and have a few great new cookbooks.  I am feeling good and more like myself every day.  I'm finding out who the new me is and trying to get back to a new normal.  The fatigue is still there and my "chemo fog" is still affecting my short term memory but they are getting better each day. Patience has never been my strong suit but I am trying to take it easy and just let time heal.  I've come a long way in the last few weeks post chemo and know in another 6 weeks I'll be even stronger.  My hair is growing back and I have a five o'clock shadow on my head.  All my eyebrows fell out after my chemo was over and they're now growing back, as are my eyelashes.  I shaved my legs for the first time last week and was never so excited to shave them. 

On May 11/12 I had a post chemo party.  I was overwhelmed by the number of people who came.  It was a great time and also a great way to put closure to the diagnosis and treatment parts of this journey.  It was not just closure for me but for everyone who has been on this journey with me.  Our support network has been incredible and I will never be able to thank everyone the way you deserve to be thanked.

They say everything happens for a reason.  I feel that my cancer brought Warren and I closer together.  I learned that he cares more about me than I ever knew.  I learned that this has been the hardest thing that my family and I have had to go through. I've learned to let go of the things that I use to stress over constantly.  I've learned that my house will not always be perfect, my laundry will not always be put away, there may be toys all over the place and all that is okay.  I've learned that I will never be that sick and tired again.  I've learned that I don't need my breasts, hair, eyebrows, eyelashes or any other hair for that matter to be happy or to live.  I've learned that stress is terrible for my well being and mental health.  I've learned who my true friends are and that I am better off without some of the people who I thought were my friends but really aren't.  I've learned that no matter what life throws at me, I can handle it.  I've learned what it means to have cancer.  I've learned that my body is amazing.  I've learned that despite the chemo, the BEST medicine throughout all this has been my children.  What I'm still learning is what it means to be a survivor........