My blood work came back fine and my counts were good. So I'm well enough to be zapped again tomorrow. I was feeling a bit defeated today and have been just emotionally, physically and mentally exhausted. So the nurse made a referral for me to see Social Work. It will be weird to be on the other side of the table but I think if I'm going to get through with any kind of sanity left, I need to talk to someone. I have lost people in my life to cancer and know that people die of cancer but never did I think I'd be one of those people. Up until this point I have been very positive about all this and firmly believed that I was cured after my surgery, I would do my treatment and live my life. But the other day I woke up scared and thought "Holy sh*% this could kill me". And ever since that moment I've been scared and a basket case. The oncologist said that it's not uncommon to feel like that a times and that the steroids can make your emotions and thoughts run wild. So off to Social Work I will go on the 23rd to talk about my feelings.
On another note, the oncologist said that my sinus issues and cough are related to my chemo drug that I'm currently getting. Essentially my sinus' are burnt and thus swollen. So I'm looking at dealing with this for another few weeks. The GOOD news is that once I switch chemo drugs (after this next round) my sinus issues will clear up. So on to killing more trees with all the kleenex I am using but the good news is that the end is in sight of the sinus issues. She said that I will also get my sense of smell back. She did mention that mine is the "worst case I've ever seen". Awesome!!
Tomorrow will mark my last dose of the crappy stuff and my half way point. I feel good about that. I've made it this far and I can make it another 2 months. Here's hoping that the Taxol is easier on me and I will fair as well as they think I will on it. The oncologist said today that for whatever reason young women have a harder time on chemo. So not really sure why they would tell me in December that I would fair well and have little issues?! Maybe so that I'd be convinced enough to do it.
For now I know that I'm doing all that I can to ensure I have a healthy life after all this. I need to find a way to let go of my fears of a recurrence and just live my life. I guess that's what my Social Worker will look at with me. For now it's one day at a time and one step at a time. I feel like a marathon runner - they never think of the finish line but just take it one mile at a time. I will get there, I know I will, I just think I'm at the hardest part right now.
I finished chemo, last August, got a clear bill of health, but that lingering fear has not left....
ReplyDeleteIts very hard to deal with, the blessing in it, you dont take things or people for granted, the curse its always there, lurking around the corner....I find my self NOT CARING about alot of the things that I thought were so important before....
Success has taken on new meaning, Ive always been very driven, I would be perfectly happy cleaning toilets and going home to hug my family! Silly
I feel like I have to fit my life inbetween doctors visits...like your always waiting for the other boot to drop! I wish I could offer some sort of solution, but sometimes it just helps to know your not alone!
Best of luck to you!