1 week today.....

1 week today I walk into the chemo suite for the LAST time!!!  I can hardly believe it's almost April, a month that I have been waiting for since November.  I have been told by lots of people that after chemo is over is when I will likely fall apart.  The fear of not being "monitored" on a bi-weekly basis is hard.  I am already scared for what's to come after next week.  I'm not sure if that's because everyone tells me I'll be scared or if I really am.  I think it's a bit of both.  I am usually okay during the day but at night when I'm lying with Jack or rocking Sam it always hits me that I just HAVE to be okay after all this.  My boys need me and I need them.  I don't want to miss out on any part of their lives and I want to live to be 90.  But nothing's forsure and it's scary.  Hearing Jack tell me he loves me and listening to Sam cry for me in the night, I can't help but think what life would be like if I wasn't here for them.  Sam would keep crying for me and I'd never come.  Jack's heart would be breaking because he wants to tell me he loves me and can't.  It just all seems so unfair to them.  Last night I did something that my mom use to do to us as kids when we were falling asleep.  I was drawing letters and shapes on Jack's back while we snuggled in his bed.  Hearing him giggle and just spending those moments together are things I never want to give up.  Rocking Sam to sleep and hearing him giggle and smile at me are moments I want to bottle up and cherish forever.  I just can't imagine not being here to be able to give them those moments, to share those moments together. 

The end of treatment is exciting but it's also scary.  I have done everything the doctors have told me to do and offered as treatment.  I just hope with everything I have inside of me that it's enough.  Nothing is guaranteed in life but this is one thing that I wish could be.  For the sake of my kids, I wish that I could tell them that I will never be sick again, we will never have to worry about cancer and I will be here until I'm old and gray.  But......I can't promise them anything except that I will love them forever.

7 down, 1 to go......

I am back from round 7 and resting in bed.  My body is asleep from the benedryl but my eyes are wide awake and won't close from all the steroids.  They gave me  LOTS of drugs today so that I wouldn't have a reaction this time.  Other then a scratchy throat I was fine.  Dawn came to visit over her lunch hour and brought me the most amazing sandwich I have EVER had.  Super yummy and great to see Dawn. While we were at chemo Lorri was here cleaning my house.  What an amazing friend. She has come EVERY chemo without fail to make sure I come home to a clean and germ free house.  She even washed my walls today.  Lorri has been an amazing friend going above and beyond for us. 

Only 1 more treatment to go.  YEAH!!!  I can hardly believe that when I walk in there it will be for the LAST time.  I had one of my favourite nurses today.  She won't be there on April 5th so she gave me a big hug today and told me that I should be very proud of myself for sticking this out.  She knows I have not had the best go of it.  I think my final one will be emotional.  Thank goodness I'll have my friend Pam there and I'll be dressed up in some crazy outfit.  That should lighten the mood.

I am off to rest now and hope to force my eyes shut.  Maybe a little duct tape.  Dad says that fixes everything.

A "McCrea" moment......

So I got into a little argument and had a bit of a "McCrea" moment while leaving the cancer center on Wednesday.  Mom parked at the top of the parking garage so she told me to wait while she got the van and brought it around.  Since it was such a nice day I decided to wait outside on the benches.  I am sitting there minding my own business, enjoying the weather and people watching.  A volunteer comes out of the cancer center pushing a patient.  She puts him just infront of where I am but to my left and closer to the curb.  She says "Hello" to me and walks back inside.  The man in the wheel chair is struggling with his coat and pulls out a pack of cigarettes?!  Yep!!!  He starts smoking IN FRONT OF THE CANCER CENTER.  After just coming out of the CANCER CENTER?!  What the hell?! 

Insert my "McCrea" moment:
Me: "You know this is the cancer center right?"
Man: "Yeah"
Me: "Well why the hell are you smoking in front of the cancer center?  And didn't you just come out of the cancer center?"
Man: mumbled basically what was it to me and "yeah" in response to coming out of the cancer center. 
Me: "Well I don't really want to breathe in your smoke because I care about my life". 
He just mumbles and then throws his cigarette on the road in front of him.  Then he starts to cough uncontrollably and spit and stuff.
Me: "And now you just littered.  Nice!"

With that Mom pulls up and I get into the van and rant the whole way to lunch.  And I'M the one who gets cancer?!  Seems fair right?! I have no risk factors, I work out, I eat well, I breast fed my kids, I have no history, I am young, healthy and have my whole life ahead of me.  And then I see ALL kinds of people smoking and I'm the one with cancer?!  Hardly seems fair.  The other night I took Sam to Walmart to get a few things and we had to walk out through all the people smoking just outside of Walmart.  Why should I have to pollute my lungs and my son's because you choose to pollute yours?!  Oh and I'm the one who got cancer. 

And I don't feel bad at all for saying something to the guy who had to get wheeled out of the cancer center to smoke.  I made a deal with myself on the first day that I was at the cancer center that I would never take the elevator and I would never be in a wheel chair.  If it took me all day to climb the stairs, I am doing that.  But he gets wheeled out to smoke.  Super!

There's my rant for today.......

14 days left......

Holy cow!  I cannot believe that I have 2 weeks to go until I'm done treatment.  I am so close I can taste it (well I can't actually taste much but you know what I mean).  I am going to the pharmacy today to pick up my last 2 needles that I'll need after chemo and my 2nd last dose of steroid.  It feels so surreal.  I can't help but feel a bit scared at the same time.  Scared that another shoe is going to drop, scared that this is all to good to be true, scared that when I leave that chemo suite next week I hope to never be back, scared that my whole world is going to crash in around me again.  But within all that fear is sheer excitement that I CAN do this.  That I HAVE done this.  I BEAT this thing!!  Excitement that I am stronger then I ever thought I would be.  I have a new appreciation for my body and what it can do.  There were SO many days that I was in bed, not able to do anything thinking I would never be the same again.  Now here I am.  With only 14 days to go.  There were moments I never thought I would get to this point, times where I just wanted to give up and stop treatment, times where I would be sobbing in the bathtub because I just couldn't take any more.  And here I am.  I feel like I can do anything now.  I am unstoppable.

I am relieved, excited, strong and scared all at the same time.  Part of me cannot wait to get into chemo tomorrow, I NEVER thought I'd say that.  I just want to be done.  I just want to go on with my life.  I just want to feel normal again.  Before all of this I felt fine.  Even with the cancer inside of me I felt fine.  The last 4 months I have felt the worst I have ever felt in my life.  I have been more tired then even the days that I never slept with Sam.  I cannot wait to get feeling better and get back to doing what I love to do.  I still have 2 rounds to go but this time I KNOW I can do this. 

Prep day for Round 7......

Mom and I ventured to the hospital today for my blood work and oncology appointment.  We didn't muster up any drama and things were pretty quiet today.  They did call a "code blue" in the chemo suite and that sent a rock into my stomach.  I know how small that place is and how close everyone is together.  I felt bad for the poor nurses and the family of whoever was there.  I hope in the end the person was okay. 

My oncologist seems happy with how I am coming along.  She said my blood counts are okay but they're dropping again so I will have to be careful and likely rest more.  I have been over doing things with this nice weather and the boys being outside.  I guess I have to listen to my Mom and rest.  My oncologist talked about my reaction to the Taxol last time.  I'm to take a benedryl at home at 3am on Friday morning with my steroid and again when I get home if needed.  She will order the nurse to inject a steroid into my IV line and along with the IV of benedryl, I "should" be okay.  So we'll see.  I hope the nurse doesn't go far once they get the Taxol going. 

Mom and I had lunch on a patio.  Hard to believe it's only March and 27C today and sunny.  After lunch we went to a swimwear store and I was able to get a super cute bikini that I can alter for my "boobs", a tankini that I can alter and a sun hat.  Now I won't have to look like an 80 year old cruise ship Queen in the mastectomy swimwear.  HURRAY!!! 

Tomorrow I see my family doctor to talk about my anti depressant/anxiety meds.  I will ask her about the headaches.  My oncologist felt they could be due to anything really but if they get worse/constant then she said "we'll investigate".  For now they come and go so she thinks it's okay.  I'm wondering if my prescription is to high and I'll talk to my family doc about lowering it.  At this point I have had SO much crap in my system how would we know what my headaches are from?! 

I'm off to pick up my "clowns" from daycare and head to my parents for a BBQ.  Enjoying this weather while it's lasting.  Cannot wait to get into that chemo suite Friday and be 90% done.  I only have 2 weeks (tomorrow) and I'm DONE!!!!!

Happy Spring.....

Happy 1st day of Spring.  This weather has been amazing and I have been enjoying the spring weather "tease".  I have been getting outside enjoying the weather and getting some fresh air.  I think the weather has been good for my soul and my mood.  I have discovered that my wig is SO hot in this weather so I hope my hair grows back before the dead of summer so I can go "topless" and not have to wear my wig.  I have been very careful with my skin and bald head when I go outside.  I try to stay covered up or stay in the shade.  It's amazing how much a bald head sweats!! 

I am getting geared up to have round 7 of 8.  I can't believe how close I am getting now.  This Friday I will be 90% of the way there.  I see my oncologist on Wednesday and have my blood work taken.  I have been feeling pretty good and only had aches and pains for a few days.  I have been getting headaches though which, is a side effect of the Taxol so I'll have to ask the doctor about that this week.  It could be that I am not drinking enough too.  Any liquid has the consistency of baby oil and nothing seems to satisfy my thirst.  But I am trying to force myself to drink water with a bit of juice for flavour. 

We are all booked for April and cannot wait to get away for a few weeks and get on the beach.  The boys will have SO much fun and we just love it there.  2 more hurdles/treatments first and then I can really look forward to the trip.  It will be nice to reconnect as a family and create memories.  For now, I am feeling good and looking forward to the end.  That finish line is in sight :)

Just a walk in the park.....

Spring is upon us with the high being 18C today and sunny.  I threw the windows open in the house and got some fresh air and new life into our stuffy place.  I have felt SO cooped up in the house for the last 4 months so it was nice to have some fresh air in.  This morning Kurt and I went to Costco.  That took all my energy.  Thanks to my in laws who bought me lunch and allowed me to sit and relax a bit.  I came home and had a 2 hour nap in Jack's bed with the sun beating in and the window open.  I felt pretty good when I woke up and perhaps the sunshine helped to lift my spirits. 

After dinner we walked to the duck pond to see if the ducks were back yet.  We saw 2 ducks and 2 geese.  Jack cannot wait to go back tomorrow and feed them.  I was surprised that I walked to the pond.  There's a little bench there so Jack and I sat together and spent some time just watching the ducks.  He's so interested in animals and nature.  It was a great moment together.  Then we walked from the pond up the hill to the park.  Sam decided that he wanted "Mommy" to carry him.  So I did.  I was pretty winded when we reached the swings but we made it.  Sam HATED the swings - such a change from last year.  So he and I walked to the slides while Kurt and Jack stayed at the swings.  They joined us in a little bit and we had fun going down the slide and pushing wood chips through the holes (a game we played once last year and Jack remembered).  Then we walked home.  I feel pretty good and I'm super proud of myself.  I never thought I'd be able to walk the court let alone all that way.  It was great to spend time with the kids and Kurt and be out in the fresh air.  I am going to try and make it a goal to walk every day that it's nice out.  It will help build my strength up and lift my spirits. 

Now I am relaxing and doing some laundry.  It's nice to have a "normal" kinda of evening.  Only 22 days to go and I'm done my treatment part.  Here's hoping those days fly by. 

23 days to go but whose counting?.......

I got a call today from my "friends" at the chemo suite.  They wanted to tell me that due to my "misbehaviour" and recent drug reaction last time, I am now to report to chemo on March 23rd at 9am.  I'll be there until at least 3pm.  FUN!!!!  I better get some good movies downloaded or at least some good drugs to sleep.  The other good news is that the chemo suite is closed on April 6th for Good Friday so.....my LAST chemo will be April 5th.  That means I'm 1 day closer to being done.  HURRAY!!!!  My work friend Pam is coming down for my last chemo and we're going to make it a party.  This journey has been a long haul and I cannot wait to finish the treatment part of things.  I know my journey will continue forever but at least this part can be done.  It's almost comical to find out what each chemo will bring to me.  Nothing has been as they have said and now with my drug reaction, there just is never a dull moment.  Here's hoping the last 2 go through with little to no drama.  I'm a McCrea after all so there is bound to be some drama but minimal is best.

I have been feeling fairly good this treatment.  The aches and pains started earlier this time and were a bit more intense.  Sunday was a rough night as I could not get comfortable and learned after the fact that my Tylenol 1's contain caffeine.  Super!!!  No wonder I was wide awake all night.  I was to sore to go down stairs and get more Tylenol and Kurt fell asleep in Jack's bed so I waited until the morning to take my over the counter Tylenol.  Monday I was tired (obviously) and Jack was home sick.  My legs were super achy and I wanted to tear my knee caps out for relief.  The Tylenol seemed to help a bit but I was pretty uncomfortable all day.  I took a sleeping pill last night so I had some sleep but woke today exhausted.  I was hoping to go get groceries but when I went to get dressed I was to tired and just lied back down.  I should of had a bath but was to tired for that too.  The fatigue and lack of energy is the most frustrating part of all of this.  I have great intentions but my body has other plans.  I'm not use to having to think through everything I'm doing.  It's hard to be at the mercy of your body.  But I know it's not forever and I keep trying to hang onto that.

I'm happy the nice weather is coming and I look forward to easing myself into walking outside.  Right now I doubt that I could walk around my court but if I just keep taking one house at a time, I'll get there.  I'm in no rush and know I have the whole spring and summer to build my strength.  My oncologist is not going to consider my return to work until the fall.

I continue to be blessed and overwhelmed by the love and support that I have by so many people.  Today I got a text from a friend that said, "Do you know how amazing you are?".  There are many days where I don't feel to amazing or strong or inspiring and I just let myself feel what I need to feel in those moments.  It can't all be easy and so much of this has not been but I still feel that a positive attitude goes a long way.  It would be way to easy to spend the day in bed crying and I need that energy to heal.  But there are moments where I need to cry and it's a different kind of cry.  A cry that comes from your big toe, that shakes your whole body, that you cannot stop and that fills your whole soul with fear.  Those are the cries that take all my energy that would keep me in bed all day if I let them.  So I give myself 10 minutes and then get over it.  Some days that's easier then others. 

For now, I feel like I'm in a good place.  I have 23 days to go and I can see the ribbon at the finish line.  I don't think for a second that those 23 days will be easy but the end is in sight and I'm hanging onto that. 

Round 6.....done after a bit of drama.......

Yesterday I had round 6 and all was going well.  I had my bag of benedryl and was feeling fine.  The nurse started to run the Taxol (chemo drug) and after 3 minutes my face and ear went red and hot and I couldn't breathe.  So I pressed the nurses button once my face and ears started and no one came so I kicked Kurt and motioned for him to get the nurse.  I couldn't talk because I couldn't breathe so I was pointing to the nurse and my throat.  He ran and got her and within seconds 3 nurses were there to help me.  They stopped to IV, gave me some oxygen and a shot of a steroid in my line.  They ran saline and gave me another bag of benedryl.  Within moments I felt fine.  Apparently the allergic reaction is VERY common with the Taxol and I knew that before but after such a good go of it last time I was not really expecting to have any problem.  So after all that drama they ran the Taxol again but SUPER slowly.  We got to the hospital at 9:40am and I was leaving by 4:30pm.  I was instructed to take a benedryl last night and again today if I felt I needed to today.  I feel fine today but my breathing was still feeling a bit heavy last night so I took it last night. 

Today I feel good.  I have been eating and resting.  The boys are with my parents so the house is SO quiet without them.  Today I'll just veg and take it easy.  The nurse said that the doctor should order the steroid everytime for the Taxol so I shouldn't have a reaction again.  It was scary not being able to breathe, I've never felt like that before.  Thank God Kurt was right there and hadn't gone to get lunch or to the washroom because I wouldn't have been able to do anything or yell for anyone. 

On a lighter note.....I only have 2 left to go and I'm half way done the Taxol.  I was told as I was leaving yesterday that they don't do chemo on Good Friday, they're closed.  That was to be my last one.  So I'm going to hope they can do it on the Thursday instead.  I'm going to try and call on Monday and get that sorted out.  After all.....I have a plane to catch in April :)

Ready for Round 6.......

My blood counts are back up to a normal range thanks to the blood transfusion and me being able to eat over the last 14 days.  Not to mention a week of doing nothing at my parents in there too.  My oncologist was "happy" with the fact that I've had a good 14 days and that I have handled the Taxol well.  She tells me, "It should continue".  She also said, "You're 80% done.....we'll get you there".  That was ALL I needed to hear.  After tomorrow I will be half way done this Taxol and I'm 80% of the way done.  YES!!!  I CAN do this.  Mom and I had another fun filled day of laughs and lunch today.  We can always find a good time, even if it's in the cancer centre. 

I'm ready for my 6th round tomorrow and for my Benedryl nap!!  I am hoping it goes as well as it did last time.  If not.....well.....I'm almost done so whatever.  Only 29 days to go, but whose counting?!

Check up with my Surgeons

Yesterday I went for a check up to the surgeon's office.  It's always hard to go back to the place where you were diagnosed.  Thankfully he and his secretary (wife) are amazing and that makes it easier.  He checked me over and did breast and lymph node exam - while I held my breath hoping he wouldn't find anything - and then told me that everything looked and felt great.  He was happy with how I was healing and had no concerns.  I hadn't seen him since I started my chemo so we talked a bit about that and he was THRILLED to learn I didn't need radiation.  He said that's better for me, means the cancer was caught early and it's the best option for reconstruction.  We talked a bit about reconstruction and I told him that although I was not ready yet as I want to give my body time to rest and heal from chemo, I'd like the referral to be made so that I can at least ask questions and learn more about it.  I'm not back to see the surgeon until June and he'll refer me to "plastics" and I'll get in there whenever.  So all around it was a good check up and nice to get some good news.  He seemed really happy and positive about things so that makes me happy!

Last night I went to my friend Kim's house and spent a few hours just hanging out with her.  We hadn't seen each other for awhile because of the winter sickness hitting her house so it was good to hang out and catch up. 

I'm feeling good and getting anxious to get chemo over with.  The end seems so close now.  Blood work and doctor on Thursday and then Round 6 of chemo this Friday.  A MONTH TODAY I WILL BE DONE!!!!  And that excites me more then anything could. 

Aches, pains and boobs......

Well the aches of the Taxol have set in.  I had to break out the Tylenol 1's last night.  My upper body; neck, shoulders, head and arms were SO sore and my legs too.  Today I'm not to bad but just feel really tired.  I think I need to move back into my parents house and be taken care of until they leave in April.  The pain is like you have after a hard workout at the gym.  A lot of muscle pain and stiffness.  I wonder how much of it is from walking around and from just not doing anything for so long. 

On Friday my mom and I went to Cambridge to go "boob" shopping.  I got a good tip from a friend to check out Rosalind's in Cambridge.  If you ever need BEAUTIFUL swimwear or lingerie go there.  I dealt with the owner and she was amazing.  So caring and understanding.  She tried to find me cute bras and told me all the pros and cons of the various "boobs".  I tried on different sizes of "boobs" and got to pick what size looked best for me.  My mom helped of course as everything seemed big to me after not having any since November.  So I settled on a pair of boobs and a couple bras.  I tried on a bikini that was cute but I didn't love the colour so I went online and picked the one I liked and the owner will try and get it for me.  I walked out feeling pretty good about my new "boobs" and had a good lunch with mom.  Kurt managed to catch an earlier flight home and surprised the boys.  It was nice to see their faces light up.  Come dinner though, I was exhausted.  I had not napped and I think the shopping had worn me out.  Kurt and I brought the boys home and I was asleep by 7:30pm. 

I am feeling pretty good except for being achy.  And the achy makes me feel cold at times too.  So I keep checking my temperature but so far it's normal.  I am just really tired and any sort of activity wears me right out.  I am still having between 2-3 hours of naps in the afternoons and in bed pretty early. 

Tomorrow I see my surgeon for a follow up.  I am sure it's just a routine visit.  I have had no issues post surgery and my scars look good.  I have no pain or anything when I'm wearing my "boobs" so that's a good sign.  It will be good to see him though and make sure all is well.  This Friday marks Chemo #6.  Getting closer and closer to the end.  I'm curious to see what my blood count is after having my transfusion last week.  For now, I just rest and keep my Tylenol in my system and try not to let me aches and pains get out of hand. 

6 weeks to go......

Tomorrow marks 6 weeks to go of treatment and I couldn't be more excited.  I have been waiting for March to come because now I feel SO close to the end.  Only 3 treatments left. 

My last chemo (and first of the Taxol) went well and I continue to feel good.  I have had very little bone pain and have not had to resort to my prescription meds but have been able to take over the counter Tylenol.  The Tylenol "muscle and bone pain" has been all that I have needed and it's 8 hour so that's good.  I can't take any Advil products while on chemo (advil affects your blood count) so it was frustrating to have to take Tyelnol every 4 hours.  I'm glad I found the 8 hour stuff.  I have had no nausea or vomitting and have been able to eat since chemo on Friday.  So that has helped with my strength and energy.

On Monday I had a blood tranfusion.  When I got to the hospital I felt like I was going to pass out from walking up the stairs.  I had to sit down and have Mom sign me in.  When I got back to the chairs for the blood transfusion they took my vitals.  My blood pressure was 86/56, my heart rate was 135 and my oxygen was 89%.  So no wonder I almost passed out and it was pretty evident that my red blood cells were low which, was affecting my body.  My heart was working overtime to pump what little oxygenated blood around my body.  After 5 hours and 2 bags of blood my blood pressure was 109/60, heart rate was 100 and oxygen was 100%.  I felt better when I walked out of there and have felt really good since.  It has helped with my energy levels and I don't feel light headed when I stand up.  My red blood cells were down to 85 and the "normal low" is 110 so I was due for some blood.  I am hoping I'll just need this one transfusion since the Taxol is suppose to be easier on my body.  I am hoping the worst is behind me. 

I met a genetics counselor on Wednesday to start the process to see if I have the breast cancer gene.  It was interesting to meet with him and go through all the family history - I only have 1 aunt on my dad's side who had breast cancer.  But since I was diagnosed young and I have a triple negative cancer, I qualify for the testing.  Given my blood transfusion 2 days earlier, we are postponing the blood test part of the genetic testing until next Thursday when I go for my pre-chemo blood work.  It will take 3-6 months for the results once I do the blood test.  I am hoping to not have the gene but I think it's important to know either way so that the information can be given to my kids, my brother and the rest of my family. 

I still have not lost all my hair and my hair at the back of my head is actually growing.  The top and sides are gone but I have "peach fuzz" as my Dad calls it and it's very light blonde.  I still have my eye lashes, eye brows and arm hair.  I have been told to expect to lose it all with Taxol so we'll see. 

I have been WELL taken care of this week while staying with my parents.  Kurt has been in Boston for a Physics conference so the boys and I have been staying at "Hotel McCrea".  Poor Sam has been having rough nights and Grandma has been getting up and rocking him.  I have had to do nothing but rest, eat, sleep and relax.  It's nice to have the company during the day and it's also nice not to have to worry about anything while I am here.  I am sure my parents will sleep for a week once we're gone.  Kurt gets home late tomorrow night so we'll be back home this weekend. 

Overall, I'm feeling good and this week has been the best week so far since starting chemo.  I am anxious to get finished and get on with my life.  I feel very grateful that I am healthy and things are moving along.  I continue to meet people in chemo who are not as lucky as I am with their diagnosis.  I am trying to stay positive and get myself to that finish line.  This marathon is almost over and I can't wait!!!