1 week today.....

1 week today I walk into the chemo suite for the LAST time!!!  I can hardly believe it's almost April, a month that I have been waiting for since November.  I have been told by lots of people that after chemo is over is when I will likely fall apart.  The fear of not being "monitored" on a bi-weekly basis is hard.  I am already scared for what's to come after next week.  I'm not sure if that's because everyone tells me I'll be scared or if I really am.  I think it's a bit of both.  I am usually okay during the day but at night when I'm lying with Jack or rocking Sam it always hits me that I just HAVE to be okay after all this.  My boys need me and I need them.  I don't want to miss out on any part of their lives and I want to live to be 90.  But nothing's forsure and it's scary.  Hearing Jack tell me he loves me and listening to Sam cry for me in the night, I can't help but think what life would be like if I wasn't here for them.  Sam would keep crying for me and I'd never come.  Jack's heart would be breaking because he wants to tell me he loves me and can't.  It just all seems so unfair to them.  Last night I did something that my mom use to do to us as kids when we were falling asleep.  I was drawing letters and shapes on Jack's back while we snuggled in his bed.  Hearing him giggle and just spending those moments together are things I never want to give up.  Rocking Sam to sleep and hearing him giggle and smile at me are moments I want to bottle up and cherish forever.  I just can't imagine not being here to be able to give them those moments, to share those moments together. 

The end of treatment is exciting but it's also scary.  I have done everything the doctors have told me to do and offered as treatment.  I just hope with everything I have inside of me that it's enough.  Nothing is guaranteed in life but this is one thing that I wish could be.  For the sake of my kids, I wish that I could tell them that I will never be sick again, we will never have to worry about cancer and I will be here until I'm old and gray.  But......I can't promise them anything except that I will love them forever.