Feeling the need for a hampster wheel.....

I am about to feel like a rat running on a wheel in a cage.  Yep.....it's clinical trial time.  I went to the hospital today and met with my new team.  I had 7 vials of blood taken by my own technician.  Apparently with the trial things are all so controlled so I had a special tech take my blood and not the usual girls that I've had over the past 6 months.  I had to fast for this blood test so I was ready to chew my arm off when I got there.  After blood work I went to Tim Hortons to get a muffin and a coffee.  I always buy the receptionist a coffee too.  I know her order off by heart.  I guess I've become a bit familiar with the cancer centre!!  I went back up to the clinic to eat my muffin and drink my coffee.  An elderly woman was arguing with her son and the volunteer about not wanting to do the symptom chart because she didn't want her son to know how she was feeling.  I had to chuckle.  I can only imagine this will be my mom and I some day. 

I got called back by a new nurse and sat in a room to answer a BUNCH of questions.  Most of which I had to answer "No" to.  She'd ask me a question and I'd say "No" or "None" and she'd flip 3 pages.  Apparently I am to healthy and so is my family given the lack of family history and the lack of medications I am on.  She said I was her easiest one yet.  Again I had to think "This is why I don't belong here".  After my personal interview I was ushered over to the scale where they took my weight and then took my height.  They also measured my waist and hips?!  Maybe I'll get some kind of cute cape or something to wear while I'm running on my wheel.  The oncologist came in who is new to me also and did a look, listen and feel.  She said I am the picture of health and all my counts and vitals are good.  Great!!!  So maybe a few less laps on the wheel will be required if I'm in such great shape now.  She talked about the trial and how I'll get the placebo or the medication that I will take twice a day for 5 years.  I come back every 6 months for blood work (7 vials) and a look, listen and feel.  I am to call if I have any problems of questions (as long as it's during business hours) and I will come back Monday for a pharmacy teaching and to get 6 months worth of pills.  I didn't have the heart to ask her when I get my cage and my wheel.  So off I went saying good-bye to all my "friends" there.  It really does feel like a little family to me and my home away from home.  I couldn't help but notice the new people in the waiting room looking so nervous.  I remember feeling that way and now I walk in and know everyone and talk to them all as if we're best friends. 

I am happy that I received another clean bill of health and that I am going to be part of research.  It feels good to be able to give back to the medical field.  Who knows.....I just may like being a lab rat!!!

6 months and 1 week......

Well it has been 6 months and 1 week since I heard those 3 words that changed my life in a second and turned my whole world upside down.  "You have cancer" was never something I had planned to or would have wanted to hear in my lifetime.  But on November 11/11 that's what I was told.  I remember feeling so numb but also in a way relieved.  I was relieved that I finally knew.  The waiting and not knowing is the hardest part.  On that day, in that moment, I knew.  I had cancer!  I had f**king cancer!!!  I was relieved that a plan could be made and I could move forward in order to get the cancer OUT of my body.  I remember leaving the surgeon's office and stopping at the reception desk for all my information for surgery.  I was bawling my eyes out and my legs were so weak.  I don't know how I didn't just fall down.  The emotions took over and I was shaking.  The receptionist gave me a brochure entitled, "Your journey with breast cancer".  I looked down at it and for a second was not really sure why she was giving it to me.  Was this all really happening?!  Walking out of the office I stopped and looked at Kurt with tears streaming down my face, all I said was "How am I suppose to tell my parents?  What do I say?  How do I tell them I have cancer?".  I know that not only was that the day that turned my world upside down but that was also the day that turned my parent's world upside down. 

People have told me how strong I have been through the last 6 months and what an inspiration I am to them.  I have not always felt strong and inspiring but those are the qualities that my parents have given me.  The strongest people through all of this have been my Mom and Dad.  They have not shed tears (at least not with me), they have been open and honest, have done research and my Mom has relied on and talked with all her girlfriends.  My Mom has many friends who have all survived the battle with breast cancer.  They have received so much amazing support through their journey as they have tried to support me and have tried to process why this has all had to happen.  My brother being 7 hours away has struggled with the news too.  His baby sister had cancer!  How is that fair?  And because he does not live close I had to send lots of text messages and make phone calls to reassure him that I was really okay.  I'd take pictures of my balding head and moments in chemo and text them to him.  I'd always ensure to put on my best smile so that he'd believe that I was doing alright.  Every chemo Friday Warren would send me multiple text messages to check in and see how things were going.  And all weekend after chemo I'd get messages to see how I was feeling. 

I have spent the last 6 weeks post chemo working on getting my strength back.  I have gone from literally crawling up the stairs because I was so weak and exhausted to walking an hour with my girlfriends.  I am eating well and have a few great new cookbooks.  I am feeling good and more like myself every day.  I'm finding out who the new me is and trying to get back to a new normal.  The fatigue is still there and my "chemo fog" is still affecting my short term memory but they are getting better each day. Patience has never been my strong suit but I am trying to take it easy and just let time heal.  I've come a long way in the last few weeks post chemo and know in another 6 weeks I'll be even stronger.  My hair is growing back and I have a five o'clock shadow on my head.  All my eyebrows fell out after my chemo was over and they're now growing back, as are my eyelashes.  I shaved my legs for the first time last week and was never so excited to shave them. 

On May 11/12 I had a post chemo party.  I was overwhelmed by the number of people who came.  It was a great time and also a great way to put closure to the diagnosis and treatment parts of this journey.  It was not just closure for me but for everyone who has been on this journey with me.  Our support network has been incredible and I will never be able to thank everyone the way you deserve to be thanked.

They say everything happens for a reason.  I feel that my cancer brought Warren and I closer together.  I learned that he cares more about me than I ever knew.  I learned that this has been the hardest thing that my family and I have had to go through. I've learned to let go of the things that I use to stress over constantly.  I've learned that my house will not always be perfect, my laundry will not always be put away, there may be toys all over the place and all that is okay.  I've learned that I will never be that sick and tired again.  I've learned that I don't need my breasts, hair, eyebrows, eyelashes or any other hair for that matter to be happy or to live.  I've learned that stress is terrible for my well being and mental health.  I've learned who my true friends are and that I am better off without some of the people who I thought were my friends but really aren't.  I've learned that no matter what life throws at me, I can handle it.  I've learned what it means to have cancer.  I've learned that my body is amazing.  I've learned that despite the chemo, the BEST medicine throughout all this has been my children.  What I'm still learning is what it means to be a survivor........

Happy Birthday to Me......

Saturday was my 34th birthday.  A day that I was not sure I was going to see at times during the last few months.  I have never really cared all that much about my birthday but this year I sure did!!  I woke up to my boys and Kurt singing 'Happy Birthday' as they brought me breakfast in bed.  We went to Chuck E Cheese at 9:30am for my "birthday party".  Jack insists that if it's your birthday, that's where you go.  I was met by my parents, Mommy friends, children and some of my high school girls.  We had a great time playing games, eating pizza and hanging out.  It really is a place "Where a kid can be a kid".  I even rode the little kid merry-go-round with Sam and Jack.  FUN!!!  After that I went to the Spa with my Mom for 90min facials.  SO relaxing and what a great Spa.  I can't wait to go back on Friday for my pedicure.  I came home to a homemade baked cake thanks to my boys (with some help from Kurt) and we ate cake at 4:30pm.  Kurt and I went for a late sushi dinner with Lorri and Scott.  My first sushi since my diagnosis.  SO yummy and oh how I missed it.  Overall, it was a great birthday.  I cannot wait to have another 50 birthdays. 

On Sunday, I went to family swim with Kurt and the boys.  Our friend Nikki had been filling in for me during my treatment and taking the boys with Kurt.  I was SO excited to finally be able to go with them.  I sported my bald head and walked out proudly.  I didn't care of notice if anyone looked at me.  I was with my family and that's all that mattered.  I did catch the lifeguard looking at me near the end with the "pity" look and just smiled at her.  Jack had fun pouring water on my head to "make my hair grow". 

It feels good to slowly be getting back to normal and to finally being able to feel well enough to do things with my family.  I still think of caner every day and I had moments on my birthday where I was scared or sad hoping this was not my last birthday but, I try to push those thoughts out quickly.  I try to enjoy each day and the moments that I am in.  I think that I am having less "cancer moments".  It's easier to stay busy and keep my mind off of it when I can actually do things.  Before I would just lie in bed and think. 

A friend of mine called me a "Survivor" the other day.  It sort of caught me off guard.  I have yet to think of myself as that.  I have just done what the doctors told me to do and I have taken each day as it comes.  This is the hardest thing I have ever had to do and yes at times I had to really fight but I guess I don't yet feel like a survivor.  I just feel like I did what I had to do.  I suppose that feeling might come later.  To be honest, I have yet to process the entire thing.  I am sure I will at some point, and I hope I do, but everything has happened so quickly that I have just done what was presented to me. 

The nice weather is coming, I am a year older and life is GOOD!!!!

Go and Live Life......

Yesterday I went to the hospital for blood work and to see my Oncologist.  This was my first follow up appointment since my last chemo.  My blood counts have all recovered and are in the normal range.  They're still on the low end of normal but she said she was happy with that because I am not quite a month out of chemo.  It shows that my body can recover and heal.  A GOOD sign.  She gave me the green light on swimming, exercise, SUSHI and all other things I have had to put off during chemo.  I am suppose to now "just go and live life".  Sounds easier said then done but music to my ears any way. 

I have joined a clinical trial that will last for the next 5 years.  So I'm excited about that and excited to be a part of Breast Cancer research.  So my follow ups will all be with the clinical trial team, which my oncologist is a part of.  I should be getting a call early next week with appointments for the pre-tests that have to be done for the trial.  Blood work and a chest x-ray (I think).  Then I get my pills - either the drug or the placebo - and off I go.  They have a few trials happening at my hospital but my cancer was not "bad enough" so I didn't qualify for any trials.  So I'm happy that I can do something now. 

Today I went for a walk outside with my best friend Jo-Ann.  It felt great to be outside and get some exercise.  It's always nice to be with Jo and I'll never stop enjoying our time together.  Overall I am feeling really good and each day I feel a bit stronger and have more energy. 

Living Life.....

I took a bit of a break from my blog after my last chemo.  I felt it was time to look at how I am going to "live life" and also focus on our trip to South Carolina. 

We left April 16th and spent 2 weeks in the sunny South.  I SO love that State and could move there in a second.  The beaches, the food, the climate and the Southern hospitality.  We were able to spend 3 days with our friend Marlena, her beautiful boy Alex and her mom Mary.  They are the sweetest people around and it was great to see them and meet Alex.  Jack and Sam went wild for Alex and couldn't get enough of him.  Our trip was nice but hectic.  We spent a day at the Aquarium, a day at an indoor playground and lots of time on the beach.  Mom and I did some power shopping and got some great deals. 

It was nice to be away from chemo, doctors and not to have any appointments.  It was still hard not to think about cancer.  Every day I still thought about it.  Thought about trying to create memories while I still could, hoping this was not my last family trip or trip to SC.  It sounds so morbid I know but it's hard not to let those thoughts creep in.  I would be doing something and then think "Oh, I haven't thought about cancer yet today" then I'd think about it.  I am sure those moments will get longer and I will think of cancer less and less but for now, it's still a daily thought. 

Physically I am feeling pretty good.  I have numbness in my fingers and hands which, doesn't hurt but is really annoying.  I can't open and close ziplock bags or do the boys' velcro on their shoes for example.  Sam's snaps on his diaper shirts are a killer.  I have learned to adapt and rely more on using the palms of my hands.  Weird how your body just adjusts to things.  The best way I can describe the feeling in my fingers and hands is to say that they are heavy as if they've fallen asleep before you get the tingling.  Other then that I am feeling pretty good.  I lost all my eyelashes when I was away.  I rubbed my eye and looked on my finger and there were my last few.  My eyebrows have managed to stay put although they are thin and I think if I touched them they'd fall out too.  I just don't touch them or wipe them.  I have some leg hair coming back and the hair on my head is pure white and looks fuzzy.  It's really short and you can't really tell it's there unless I am in the light.  It feels strange when the wind blows through it.  But at least it's starting to grow.  I hope by the summer I won't need my wig anymore and can go "topless".  My wig is SO hot in the warm weather so here's hoping I have enough hair to cover my head a bit. 

I see my oncologist tomorrow for blood work and to talk about next steps.  I am hoping the blood work looks good.  It will feel strange to go back to the hospital after almost a month off.  I am anxious to get back to work but I also know that I need time to recover.  I am still tired some days and need a nap.  I just want life to be normal but I'm starting to realize that I have to find a new normal.  For now I am just enjoying being out and being able to do a bit more each day.  I can't wait to dig in the garden, clean out this house and have some "me" time.