1 week today.....

1 week today I walk into the chemo suite for the LAST time!!!  I can hardly believe it's almost April, a month that I have been waiting for since November.  I have been told by lots of people that after chemo is over is when I will likely fall apart.  The fear of not being "monitored" on a bi-weekly basis is hard.  I am already scared for what's to come after next week.  I'm not sure if that's because everyone tells me I'll be scared or if I really am.  I think it's a bit of both.  I am usually okay during the day but at night when I'm lying with Jack or rocking Sam it always hits me that I just HAVE to be okay after all this.  My boys need me and I need them.  I don't want to miss out on any part of their lives and I want to live to be 90.  But nothing's forsure and it's scary.  Hearing Jack tell me he loves me and listening to Sam cry for me in the night, I can't help but think what life would be like if I wasn't here for them.  Sam would keep crying for me and I'd never come.  Jack's heart would be breaking because he wants to tell me he loves me and can't.  It just all seems so unfair to them.  Last night I did something that my mom use to do to us as kids when we were falling asleep.  I was drawing letters and shapes on Jack's back while we snuggled in his bed.  Hearing him giggle and just spending those moments together are things I never want to give up.  Rocking Sam to sleep and hearing him giggle and smile at me are moments I want to bottle up and cherish forever.  I just can't imagine not being here to be able to give them those moments, to share those moments together. 

The end of treatment is exciting but it's also scary.  I have done everything the doctors have told me to do and offered as treatment.  I just hope with everything I have inside of me that it's enough.  Nothing is guaranteed in life but this is one thing that I wish could be.  For the sake of my kids, I wish that I could tell them that I will never be sick again, we will never have to worry about cancer and I will be here until I'm old and gray.  But......I can't promise them anything except that I will love them forever.

7 down, 1 to go......

I am back from round 7 and resting in bed.  My body is asleep from the benedryl but my eyes are wide awake and won't close from all the steroids.  They gave me  LOTS of drugs today so that I wouldn't have a reaction this time.  Other then a scratchy throat I was fine.  Dawn came to visit over her lunch hour and brought me the most amazing sandwich I have EVER had.  Super yummy and great to see Dawn. While we were at chemo Lorri was here cleaning my house.  What an amazing friend. She has come EVERY chemo without fail to make sure I come home to a clean and germ free house.  She even washed my walls today.  Lorri has been an amazing friend going above and beyond for us. 

Only 1 more treatment to go.  YEAH!!!  I can hardly believe that when I walk in there it will be for the LAST time.  I had one of my favourite nurses today.  She won't be there on April 5th so she gave me a big hug today and told me that I should be very proud of myself for sticking this out.  She knows I have not had the best go of it.  I think my final one will be emotional.  Thank goodness I'll have my friend Pam there and I'll be dressed up in some crazy outfit.  That should lighten the mood.

I am off to rest now and hope to force my eyes shut.  Maybe a little duct tape.  Dad says that fixes everything.

A "McCrea" moment......

So I got into a little argument and had a bit of a "McCrea" moment while leaving the cancer center on Wednesday.  Mom parked at the top of the parking garage so she told me to wait while she got the van and brought it around.  Since it was such a nice day I decided to wait outside on the benches.  I am sitting there minding my own business, enjoying the weather and people watching.  A volunteer comes out of the cancer center pushing a patient.  She puts him just infront of where I am but to my left and closer to the curb.  She says "Hello" to me and walks back inside.  The man in the wheel chair is struggling with his coat and pulls out a pack of cigarettes?!  Yep!!!  He starts smoking IN FRONT OF THE CANCER CENTER.  After just coming out of the CANCER CENTER?!  What the hell?! 

Insert my "McCrea" moment:
Me: "You know this is the cancer center right?"
Man: "Yeah"
Me: "Well why the hell are you smoking in front of the cancer center?  And didn't you just come out of the cancer center?"
Man: mumbled basically what was it to me and "yeah" in response to coming out of the cancer center. 
Me: "Well I don't really want to breathe in your smoke because I care about my life". 
He just mumbles and then throws his cigarette on the road in front of him.  Then he starts to cough uncontrollably and spit and stuff.
Me: "And now you just littered.  Nice!"

With that Mom pulls up and I get into the van and rant the whole way to lunch.  And I'M the one who gets cancer?!  Seems fair right?! I have no risk factors, I work out, I eat well, I breast fed my kids, I have no history, I am young, healthy and have my whole life ahead of me.  And then I see ALL kinds of people smoking and I'm the one with cancer?!  Hardly seems fair.  The other night I took Sam to Walmart to get a few things and we had to walk out through all the people smoking just outside of Walmart.  Why should I have to pollute my lungs and my son's because you choose to pollute yours?!  Oh and I'm the one who got cancer. 

And I don't feel bad at all for saying something to the guy who had to get wheeled out of the cancer center to smoke.  I made a deal with myself on the first day that I was at the cancer center that I would never take the elevator and I would never be in a wheel chair.  If it took me all day to climb the stairs, I am doing that.  But he gets wheeled out to smoke.  Super!

There's my rant for today.......

14 days left......

Holy cow!  I cannot believe that I have 2 weeks to go until I'm done treatment.  I am so close I can taste it (well I can't actually taste much but you know what I mean).  I am going to the pharmacy today to pick up my last 2 needles that I'll need after chemo and my 2nd last dose of steroid.  It feels so surreal.  I can't help but feel a bit scared at the same time.  Scared that another shoe is going to drop, scared that this is all to good to be true, scared that when I leave that chemo suite next week I hope to never be back, scared that my whole world is going to crash in around me again.  But within all that fear is sheer excitement that I CAN do this.  That I HAVE done this.  I BEAT this thing!!  Excitement that I am stronger then I ever thought I would be.  I have a new appreciation for my body and what it can do.  There were SO many days that I was in bed, not able to do anything thinking I would never be the same again.  Now here I am.  With only 14 days to go.  There were moments I never thought I would get to this point, times where I just wanted to give up and stop treatment, times where I would be sobbing in the bathtub because I just couldn't take any more.  And here I am.  I feel like I can do anything now.  I am unstoppable.

I am relieved, excited, strong and scared all at the same time.  Part of me cannot wait to get into chemo tomorrow, I NEVER thought I'd say that.  I just want to be done.  I just want to go on with my life.  I just want to feel normal again.  Before all of this I felt fine.  Even with the cancer inside of me I felt fine.  The last 4 months I have felt the worst I have ever felt in my life.  I have been more tired then even the days that I never slept with Sam.  I cannot wait to get feeling better and get back to doing what I love to do.  I still have 2 rounds to go but this time I KNOW I can do this. 

Prep day for Round 7......

Mom and I ventured to the hospital today for my blood work and oncology appointment.  We didn't muster up any drama and things were pretty quiet today.  They did call a "code blue" in the chemo suite and that sent a rock into my stomach.  I know how small that place is and how close everyone is together.  I felt bad for the poor nurses and the family of whoever was there.  I hope in the end the person was okay. 

My oncologist seems happy with how I am coming along.  She said my blood counts are okay but they're dropping again so I will have to be careful and likely rest more.  I have been over doing things with this nice weather and the boys being outside.  I guess I have to listen to my Mom and rest.  My oncologist talked about my reaction to the Taxol last time.  I'm to take a benedryl at home at 3am on Friday morning with my steroid and again when I get home if needed.  She will order the nurse to inject a steroid into my IV line and along with the IV of benedryl, I "should" be okay.  So we'll see.  I hope the nurse doesn't go far once they get the Taxol going. 

Mom and I had lunch on a patio.  Hard to believe it's only March and 27C today and sunny.  After lunch we went to a swimwear store and I was able to get a super cute bikini that I can alter for my "boobs", a tankini that I can alter and a sun hat.  Now I won't have to look like an 80 year old cruise ship Queen in the mastectomy swimwear.  HURRAY!!! 

Tomorrow I see my family doctor to talk about my anti depressant/anxiety meds.  I will ask her about the headaches.  My oncologist felt they could be due to anything really but if they get worse/constant then she said "we'll investigate".  For now they come and go so she thinks it's okay.  I'm wondering if my prescription is to high and I'll talk to my family doc about lowering it.  At this point I have had SO much crap in my system how would we know what my headaches are from?! 

I'm off to pick up my "clowns" from daycare and head to my parents for a BBQ.  Enjoying this weather while it's lasting.  Cannot wait to get into that chemo suite Friday and be 90% done.  I only have 2 weeks (tomorrow) and I'm DONE!!!!!

Happy Spring.....

Happy 1st day of Spring.  This weather has been amazing and I have been enjoying the spring weather "tease".  I have been getting outside enjoying the weather and getting some fresh air.  I think the weather has been good for my soul and my mood.  I have discovered that my wig is SO hot in this weather so I hope my hair grows back before the dead of summer so I can go "topless" and not have to wear my wig.  I have been very careful with my skin and bald head when I go outside.  I try to stay covered up or stay in the shade.  It's amazing how much a bald head sweats!! 

I am getting geared up to have round 7 of 8.  I can't believe how close I am getting now.  This Friday I will be 90% of the way there.  I see my oncologist on Wednesday and have my blood work taken.  I have been feeling pretty good and only had aches and pains for a few days.  I have been getting headaches though which, is a side effect of the Taxol so I'll have to ask the doctor about that this week.  It could be that I am not drinking enough too.  Any liquid has the consistency of baby oil and nothing seems to satisfy my thirst.  But I am trying to force myself to drink water with a bit of juice for flavour. 

We are all booked for April and cannot wait to get away for a few weeks and get on the beach.  The boys will have SO much fun and we just love it there.  2 more hurdles/treatments first and then I can really look forward to the trip.  It will be nice to reconnect as a family and create memories.  For now, I am feeling good and looking forward to the end.  That finish line is in sight :)

Just a walk in the park.....

Spring is upon us with the high being 18C today and sunny.  I threw the windows open in the house and got some fresh air and new life into our stuffy place.  I have felt SO cooped up in the house for the last 4 months so it was nice to have some fresh air in.  This morning Kurt and I went to Costco.  That took all my energy.  Thanks to my in laws who bought me lunch and allowed me to sit and relax a bit.  I came home and had a 2 hour nap in Jack's bed with the sun beating in and the window open.  I felt pretty good when I woke up and perhaps the sunshine helped to lift my spirits. 

After dinner we walked to the duck pond to see if the ducks were back yet.  We saw 2 ducks and 2 geese.  Jack cannot wait to go back tomorrow and feed them.  I was surprised that I walked to the pond.  There's a little bench there so Jack and I sat together and spent some time just watching the ducks.  He's so interested in animals and nature.  It was a great moment together.  Then we walked from the pond up the hill to the park.  Sam decided that he wanted "Mommy" to carry him.  So I did.  I was pretty winded when we reached the swings but we made it.  Sam HATED the swings - such a change from last year.  So he and I walked to the slides while Kurt and Jack stayed at the swings.  They joined us in a little bit and we had fun going down the slide and pushing wood chips through the holes (a game we played once last year and Jack remembered).  Then we walked home.  I feel pretty good and I'm super proud of myself.  I never thought I'd be able to walk the court let alone all that way.  It was great to spend time with the kids and Kurt and be out in the fresh air.  I am going to try and make it a goal to walk every day that it's nice out.  It will help build my strength up and lift my spirits. 

Now I am relaxing and doing some laundry.  It's nice to have a "normal" kinda of evening.  Only 22 days to go and I'm done my treatment part.  Here's hoping those days fly by.