Lets get this Chemo party started......

I saw my oncologist today and she gave me the GOOD news that all my scans and tests have come back clear (phew) so that means that I definitely will not need radiation after my chemo.  HURRAY!!! 

I got all my questions answered and signed my consent for treatment today.  I start chemo on Friday (Dec. 30th) at 8:20am.  I should be at the hospital for about 3 hours or so and was told to bring lots of things to read/do.  I left today with 4 prescriptions and 1 for a wig.  Kurt and I were told that the one needle that I need to take for my white blood count is almost $3000.00 per needle and I need 8!!!  My benefits cover 90% so I pay the remaining 10%.  REALLY?!  Now I'm not complaining about our health care system because after a preemie, a child in Sick Kids and now this I feel very lucky to live here but.....life sustaining medicine for chemo patients being over $20 000.00.  Holy smokes.  Our pharmacist is amazing and is helping us out with options for covering the other 10%.  I get to pick up all my new meds tomorrow as I have to take my anti-nausea stuff Friday morning before my first treatment. 

My chemo cycle will be from Dec. 30 - April 6 then I am off to South Carolina for our annual family holiday.  The doctor says I'll be tired but should be okay to go - that's all I needed to hear. 

I'm feeling anxious to get this chemo party started but also just want to get going.  The sooner I start, the sooner I'm done.  Fingers crossed I am one of the lucky ones who can tolerate it fairly well.  My oncologist seems to think I will do okay. 

A little good news and radioactive again.....

We met with the Radiologist yesterday and he told us that I will likely NOT need radiation when I'm finished the chemo.  He feels that I have already done his job by way of surgery so there is really nothing left for him to do.  Because the cancer is gone, it was not in my lymph nodes and I had the mastectomy there is nothing that he can do that would improve anything that is not already done.  Now this is all pending my CT scan being clear of course.  My bone scan came back fine so nothing in my bones at all - again more good news!! 

Today I went for my CT scan and reported to the hospital just after 7:30am.  My mom took me.  She likes to hang out in "nuclear medicine" because she is usually the youngest one by at least 20 years.  So we hung out and read magazines while I drank two cups of nasty tasting water.  I had to get them both in in 1 hour.  Then I got changed in the very flattering hospital gowns (I asked the nurse if I could take one some day to burn after this is all over as therapy).  She started an IV and I waited some more.  The CT was not bad and only took about 10 minutes.  They did a few pictures and then the tech came in and injected me with more radioactive dye.  She said, "Now one of three things could happen....you could get a yucky taste in your mouth, you could get warm all over and/or you could feel like you peed you pants but you really didn't" I was happy that none of them happened to me.  A few more pictures were taken and I was free to go.  Oh she did say "Wait 5 minutes after you get changed just incase you keel over" She was super nice and funny.  I didn't keel over and felt fine so we left, having been there just over 2 hours. 

I was starving (I couldn't eat anything since last night) so Mom took me for breakfast and we met up with her friend who is a breast cancer survivor.  We laughed and talked cancer and ate.  Mom's friend was a great source or information and support.  I just love her!!  Then I came home and took a big nap.  Feeling relieved that the tests are over and somewhat at peace with the whole process today.  I'm really happy for our good news from yesterday but I will wait for the CT results before I celebrate.  It would be SO nice to just do the chemo and be done in April without having to start more treatment in May. 

I made an appointment for tomorrow at 12:30pm to CHOP off my hair.  I want to keep my pony tail and have some control over my hair loss so I'm doing it.  My friend Dawn is coming to hold my hand and give me advice on how it looks.  Thanks to everyone for all their love and support and well wishes.  I know that I am definitely not alone in this journey.

A little bit of normal....

Today Kurt and I bit the bullet and ventured out to Christmas shop for the boys.  Kurt took the morning off and we managed to get everything done just shortly after noon.  It was nice to just be out and do things that felt normal. 

After I dropped him off at school I came home and finally looked through all the information I was given last week by the Oncologist.  I have been putting it off for a week and had to start reading it and writing down questions.  I re-read my pathology report - I'm not really sure what I was looking to find (maybe that it said something different) but found myself reading it over again and again.  I started my list of questions, phoned a salon and made an appointment to get fitted for a wig and called my benefits company to see if a drug I need to take is covered.  That was my max for the day and I quickly threw all the paperwork back in my bag.  I felt a bit bummed while I sat looking at the Christmas tree so decided to clean the kitchen.  I have visions of my house being spotless as I try to keep busy - funny how there always seems to be something to clean no matter what. 

After picking up the boys from daycare and Kurt from school we had a quick dinner and then to the basement to play trains - a little more normal - while waiting for Krista and the kids to arrive.  When they got here we cracked open the glow sticks, turned the lights off and had a "dance party".  It felt great to dance with the kids and watch them have a ton of fun. 

The boys help me to keep motivated but looking at them I am reminded about how hard this whole thing is.  It just doesn't seem to fair to them that I have to go through all of this.  I worry about how Jack will feed off all my emotions and try to stay positive when he's around.  Their faces and smiles light up the room and that's all I need to be reminded of what I need to do to get though this. 

I got a sneak peek of our family pictures from Saturday morning.  I bawling my eyes out when I watched the slideshow.  Jennifer was able to capture so much emotion.  It was amazing but also hard for me to look at how much my kids love me when they look at me or when we're together.  I got to see emotion in their eyes that I don't normally get to see.  Jennifer has given us such a gift in the pictures and I will never be able to thank her enough. 

Tomorrow I'm off to meet my Radiologist.  I'm not really sure what is going to happen tomorrow as I won't even start radiation until May at the earliest.  So I am expecting a meet and greet but who knows.  Wednesday I have my CT scan which will be the end of the scans and tests until after Christmas.  The hospital is starting to feel like my home away from home. 

Friends and Family....

I had a great weekend spent with friends and family.  Slowly getting into the Christmas spirit and enjoying watching the kids get excited for Santa.  Krista, Devan and the kids are in for the holidays so that's nice.  The kids like to play together. 

We had family pictures done on Saturday.  I wanted to have some pictures done while I still had my long hair.  I'm thinking about cutting it short so I can save my pony tail and get use to my short hair before it all falls out.  I'm really struggling with the thought of not being able to have any control during my treatment.  So far I have had no control and it's really been hard for me.  I like to plan things and cannot plan anything right now.  I'm at the mercy of my appointments, doctors and tests.  I feel a like a lab rat!!  

I have 2 appointments this week.  Tuesday I meet the radiologist and Wednesday I have a CT scan.  In between all that I'd like to try and get my shopping done seeing as Christmas is in a week.  I am having trouble sleeping at night.  I'm up all night but then exhausted during the day.  I was able to nap today which helped but I woke up feeling exhausted.  My anxiety is through the roof and I just feel like I need to have a date to start my chemo and just start.  I'm anxious about all the side effects and how I'll feel so if I can just get a few treatments under my belt then I can have a better idea of what will happen and how I'll feel.  The fear of the unknown in all of this is scary.  It's hard when I don't feel sick now to think I'll have medication that will make me feel sick in order to feel better?!  It's a hard concept to wrap my head around. 

Radioactive again.....

I had my bone scan today which consisted of a radioactive dye being injected into a vein.  I was then able to leave the hospital after being instructed to "drink and pee a lot" from then until my actual test 3 hours later.  So I went to Chapters, did some Christmas shopping and picked up my friend Dawn from work (she took her lunch to come back with me). 

The scan was not a big deal.  I was put on a table and told to lie down.  She strapped me down and the bed moved into the machine.  As the test started the bed very slowly moved out of the machine while it scanned my whole body showing all my bones.  They did a couple more routine pictures and I was done within the half hour.  The girl was really nice who did the test and explained everything to me. 

As I was leaving the area I couldn't help but see a little baby put out having a scan done.  The baby's mom looked so worried and sad.  I couldn't help but think of being right there with Sam at Sick Kids last year while his little body was being scanned.  I felt so sorry for the mom and baby and hope that it's nothing serious.

So one routine test down and next week I have a CT which is a bit more involved.  I was happy to be home tonight with my boys and Kurt.  Kurt ended up taking Jack skating at City Hall.  Jack has been begging to go.  It was pouring rain and the zambonie driver told Jack the rink was closed due to the rain.  Jack cried and told him "but I just wanted to go skating Sir".  The man let them skate for a few minutes.  So Kurt and Jack had the rink to themselves and skated together in the rain.  Sam and I stayed home and had a bath and snuggles.  Jack was so proud of himself when he came home.  That's what life is all about!!! 

Treatment.....

I arrived at the cancer centre on December 12th and immediately wondered what the hell I was doing there.  I was the youngest person by a mile.  The only people close to my age were the ones there with their elderly parents.  I got looks of pity and felt very anxious as soon as we got there.  Everyone was very helpful and I got all signed in before waiting in the waiting area.  The nurse we had was great although I think I might have ruined her day but crying my eyes out and feeling sorry for myself.  She was young like me and pregnant with her 2nd baby.  I'm sure she had moments of weakness when looking at me and wondering likely why I was there too.  The oncologist came in and went over the pathology to ensure we had all the information.  What we had not been told was that not only was there the IDC cancer tumor but my breast was also filled with per-cancerous cells called DCIS.  Again good thing I had the mastectomy.  I was okay until she started to talk about my kids and having so much to live for.....then I lost it.  I was a bawling mess and suddenly became very angry at the world.  She was super empathetic and kept stopping asking if I needed some time.  She offered to tell me the "numbers" with respect to prognosis but I just couldn't hear them.  So I told her I didn't want to know.  Kurt was anxious to hear them but respected that I didn't want to know them.  She examined me and was happy with everything - going as far as to ask me if I was a runner because I'm in such great shape. 

My chemo is called dose dense ACT.  It's the most aggressive form of chemo you can get.  I have 8 rounds of chemo every 2 weeks instead of the usual 6 rounds every 3 weeks.  In between chemo I have to inject myself with needles to keep my white cell count up (that should be super fun seeing as I HATE needles).  I have to attend the cancer center the morning before my chemo for blood work and a check up to ensure I'm healthy enough for my chemo and then return the next day to have my chemo.  The first 4 rounds will take about 1.5 hours to administer so I'll be there about 3 hours and the last 4 rounds take about 3 hours to administer so I'll be there about 6 hours.  My new full time job.  They promise to give me lots of meds to help the side effects of the chemo but said the only thing that is 100% forsure is that I'll lose all my hair about 2-3 weeks after my first dose. 

I left feeling very overwhelmed, emotional and exhausted.  Before I can start chemo I need to have a bone scan, CT and blood work.  I had my blood work on the 12th and have my bone scan today, CT next week and meet with the oncologist again on December 28th. 

I've been told that it's a good thing I won't start chemo until January so that I can "enjoy my Christmas".  I'm not sure that will make a difference.....not feeling really great about Christmas coming and trying hard to think that this is NOT my last Christmas.  The emotional rollar coaster is horrible and there are times I feel super positive and great and other times that I just want to crawl in a hole and hide.  I'm anxious to get going on the chemo and get into the routine of it all.  I'll be taking chemo from January - April and then have a 3 week break and then radiation every day for 5 weeks.  So half of 2012 will be treatment and then a few months to recover and build my immune system back up.  Not the greatest way to start a new year......

The Results....

On December 8/11 I went back to see my surgeon for a follow up and results.  The surgeon felt I was recovering well, better then he would expect actually at the 2 week point.  He sat us down in his office (which I had not been in since my diagnosis date) and told us the results of the pathology. 

The cancer had not spread to my lymph nodes and the right breast was totally free of anything.  The lump measured 3.2cms and he was able to get clear margins (meaning the cancer is all gone).  There was some cancer found in my blood vessels of the left breast but they were gone too with the breast (good thing I had the mastectomy).  My cancer is Stage 2 and level 3.  Level 3 is the highest you can get meaning it was aggressive and the cells looked "angry".  Maybe this is why I was so angry?!  My cancer was Invasive Ductal Carcinoma (IDC).  He felt that given my young age and the level 3 cancer I would be having chemo forsure and maybe radiation.  I was scheduled to see the oncologist on December 12/11 to learn more about my treatment.  I left the office feeling pretty good and thinking it could have been a lot worse.  I was happy that I had done the double mastectomy and that the cancer was out.  

How it all began....

"You have cancer" is not something I ever imagined hearing at the age of 33 years.  I've always been healthy, worked out, ate well and did everything I thought I was suppose to do to ensure a long life.  On November 11/11 my world came crashing down when I heard that I had breast cancer.  All I could think of were my kids and how they would never remember me if I were to die.  I spent that whole weekend crying, not being able to look at my kids, see pictures of me with my kids and wondering who would be strong enough to speak at my funeral.  I had myself essentially dead and buried.  I was numb, in shock and completely angry with the world.  I didn't know how to tell people let alone with family that I had cancer.  I hate people worrying about me and have never been the type of person to rely on others for anything.  This is all going to have to change.  Between my diagnosis and my surgery date of November 22nd I had to decide what kind of surgery I wanted to have.  My surgeon (who is AMAZING) reassured me that he would get the lump out with a lumpectomy.   I looked at him and said, "What if I want a double mastectomy".  He said, "I'll do that".  He wanted me to do my research but in the end said he'd do anything I wanted.  Afterall I was the one who had to live with this.  After SO many sleepless nights, tears, worry and research I decided on a double mastectomy.  I felt I owed it to my family to do everything I could to ensure the cancer was gone and the chances of it re-occuring were minimized. 

November 22/11 I reported to St. Mary's hospital at 7am for my double mastectomy (day surgery!!) and cried from the second I got there until they put me out in the OR at 11:30am.  I was a total basket case.  I have never been that scared in my life and also had to face that this was all really happening.  Until that time I knew that this was real but a little piece of me was still in denial.  When they put me under in the OR I was crying uncontrollably.  I think it was probably a relief for the nurses that I went to sleep!!  I woke up having no idea where I was and totally out of it.  I was happy to see Kurt once I was out of recovery and was surprised by his worried look.  Apparently no one had come to talk to him about the surgery and no one knew what was going on.  Not only was Kurt in the waiting room but my mom, Kurt's parents and three of my dearest friends were there too.  Kurt said, "Do you want to see anyone" and I just shook my head and said "No".  I was not feeling or looking to hot and felt I just wanted to be with Kurt in that moment.  I was eventually well enough (according to the nurse) to leave and was home by 6:30pm.  For the coming weeks I recovered well and was discharged quickly from home care - proof that my body still has lots of fight in it.  I was well taken care of my friends and family and have tone food in my fridge and 2 freezers thanks to my friends, work team and family.  I have been totally overwhelmed by the love and support that we have received.