Treatment.....

I arrived at the cancer centre on December 12th and immediately wondered what the hell I was doing there.  I was the youngest person by a mile.  The only people close to my age were the ones there with their elderly parents.  I got looks of pity and felt very anxious as soon as we got there.  Everyone was very helpful and I got all signed in before waiting in the waiting area.  The nurse we had was great although I think I might have ruined her day but crying my eyes out and feeling sorry for myself.  She was young like me and pregnant with her 2nd baby.  I'm sure she had moments of weakness when looking at me and wondering likely why I was there too.  The oncologist came in and went over the pathology to ensure we had all the information.  What we had not been told was that not only was there the IDC cancer tumor but my breast was also filled with per-cancerous cells called DCIS.  Again good thing I had the mastectomy.  I was okay until she started to talk about my kids and having so much to live for.....then I lost it.  I was a bawling mess and suddenly became very angry at the world.  She was super empathetic and kept stopping asking if I needed some time.  She offered to tell me the "numbers" with respect to prognosis but I just couldn't hear them.  So I told her I didn't want to know.  Kurt was anxious to hear them but respected that I didn't want to know them.  She examined me and was happy with everything - going as far as to ask me if I was a runner because I'm in such great shape. 

My chemo is called dose dense ACT.  It's the most aggressive form of chemo you can get.  I have 8 rounds of chemo every 2 weeks instead of the usual 6 rounds every 3 weeks.  In between chemo I have to inject myself with needles to keep my white cell count up (that should be super fun seeing as I HATE needles).  I have to attend the cancer center the morning before my chemo for blood work and a check up to ensure I'm healthy enough for my chemo and then return the next day to have my chemo.  The first 4 rounds will take about 1.5 hours to administer so I'll be there about 3 hours and the last 4 rounds take about 3 hours to administer so I'll be there about 6 hours.  My new full time job.  They promise to give me lots of meds to help the side effects of the chemo but said the only thing that is 100% forsure is that I'll lose all my hair about 2-3 weeks after my first dose. 

I left feeling very overwhelmed, emotional and exhausted.  Before I can start chemo I need to have a bone scan, CT and blood work.  I had my blood work on the 12th and have my bone scan today, CT next week and meet with the oncologist again on December 28th. 

I've been told that it's a good thing I won't start chemo until January so that I can "enjoy my Christmas".  I'm not sure that will make a difference.....not feeling really great about Christmas coming and trying hard to think that this is NOT my last Christmas.  The emotional rollar coaster is horrible and there are times I feel super positive and great and other times that I just want to crawl in a hole and hide.  I'm anxious to get going on the chemo and get into the routine of it all.  I'll be taking chemo from January - April and then have a 3 week break and then radiation every day for 5 weeks.  So half of 2012 will be treatment and then a few months to recover and build my immune system back up.  Not the greatest way to start a new year......