Frustrated and feeling defeated.....

I guess I have come to that time in the chemo cycle where I feel frustrated, exhausted and just want to give up.  I was up from 12:30-3:30am this morning with bad stomach cramps, a headache and feeling just awful.  I went to the basement and ate an apple sauce, watched some TV and cried.  It just felt like what I needed to do.  I came back to bed and tossed and turned before falling asleep about 4:30am.  It's so hard when your body wants to sleep but your mind won't let you.  I figured it was to late to take a sleeping pill so I'd just wait it out.  I'm sick of feeling sick and I am sick of not having any energy to do anything - including being with my kids. 

This morning Jack looked at me and said, "Mommy I love you.  You are the bravest protector in the whole world".  I'm not sure where that came from but it was all I needed to hear to know that I have to keep going.  Sam came up this morning saying "Kiss Mommy.....Kiss".  I am exhausted and feeling horrible but my family is all I need to push forward.  I know this will all pass and things will improve but it's sometimes hard to see the silver lining when you feel so horrible. 

I talked to my support nurse yesterday about my stomach and she figures it's a combo of the chemo drugs and steroids and it should improve with time.  It doesn't sound like to her that there is an actual problem and that it's just all related to all the crap that is going through my system right now.  My poor system that barely saw so much as a tylenol before.  No wonder it's screaming!!! 

Today I am mustering up all my energy and strength to go and register Jack for JK.  I promised myself that no matter how tired and crappy I felt.....I was going to do this.  So I will rest for a bit then get ready to go.  I'll likely need a nap for the rest of the afternoon but that's okay.  As long as I get there and get him registered I've accomplished my goal for today.  Kurt's parents have been helping us out so much since the boys came home from my parents on Sunday.  I don't know what I would do without our parents being close by. 

Onto another day which, is one closer to being done all of this. 

Side effects are no fun.....

Another few days of upset stomach and cramping.  Not a fun side effect of the steroids that they have me take for 3 days post chemo.  Other then my stomach feeling like it's rotting out.....I feel pretty good.  Today is my "hit the wall" day where I am in bed most of the day resting off and on.  I am kinda getting use to what to expect now.  I put a call into my support nurse to see if I can take anything for my stomach.  I just want it to stop hurting and cramping so much.  Not fun.  I am trying to remember that this is all just temporary and soon I will be back to my old self in no time.  Only 5 to go.....

Post chemo Day 3 blahs.....

The day 3 blahs have set in.  Where I just feel blah!!  Kurt gave me my needle in the stomach this morning - first time without the nurse coming.  He does really well but the needle stings like crazy so I feel bad for him that I'm doing labour breathing while he is putting the needle in.  He's brave to do that though given how much I hate needles.  I was up at 4am this morning thanks to the steroids.  So I got up and watched the men's final tennis match.  What a crazy one that was!!!  I had a big nap after my needle today and woke up to have lunch.  The boys have been with my parents since Friday so Kurt is picking them up after nap today. 

Yesterday I felt really good.  I had a bit of nausea in the morning but not bad at all.  I just kept eating and drinking lots.  I think my mistake in the past has been not eating enough protein and letting my blood pressure get low.  So I ate tons of protein yesterday and even ate my favourite Thai food complete with mango shake for dinner.  Kurt was craving Thai but didn't want to bring it home if I didn't want it.  That would have been cruel.  But I thought "Well what's the worst that can happen?".  So I sent him out to get us both meals and shakes.  It tasted really good and sat well in my tummy.  I had my leftovers for lunch today. 

I'm feeling pretty positive and good that the last 2 rounds have gone better.  I'm happy that in 2 weeks I get my last dose of these meds - the ones that make you feel nauseous and sick.  Then the last 4 rounds are a different chemo drug with new side effects. 

Thank you to everyone for their well wishes, emails, texts, phone calls and flowers.  I am constantly humbled by how much love and support I have. 

3 down.....5 to go......

Things went pretty well today at chemo.  I had a super nice nurse that put my IV in like it was nothing.  We saw a couple there who we'd met my first round.  We also met another couple who were next to me.  She is pregnant and due in 2 weeks and his last chemo is in 2 weeks.  They were young like us and had a 3 year old at home. 

I have been able to eat bits and pieces since coming home but I do have some nausea this time.  Not as bad as round 1 though.  So I've been in bed taking it easy.  I "page" Kurt on the phone and he brings me whatever I need.  Just feeling tired but doing okay. 

The BEST treat of all today was coming home after chemo to a SPOTLESS house thanks to Lorri and Kelly.  They came in while I was at the hospital and cleaned everything, disinfected and even did my laundry.  It's nice to come home to a clean house and know that the germs are gone.  My parents picked up the boys from daycare today and will have them for the weekend.  Jack apparently was so excited for his sleepover that he told his teachers several times that he was going to sleep at Grandpa's house. 

Overall feeling pretty good.  I'm really happy that next time will be my half way mark.  Almost at the top of the hill. 

Gearing up for Round 3.......

Mom took me to the hospital again today for my blood work and meeting with my oncologist.  Today was a piece of cake with no waiting and no drama from the others in the waiting room (kinda boring).  I got to the lab and was the next number called so we were in and out and off to lunch in no time.  Side note.....we ate at Zoup in Waterloo and it was DELICIOUS.  After lunch back we went to the hospital.  We didn't wait long before I was called in to see the oncologist.  The first stop is the scale where the nurse weighs me.  I was happy to learn that not only did I not loose any weight but I gained all the weight back that I had lost the first round.  Then we moved to the examining room to wait.  A new nurse came in as my usual nurse was away.  She was happy to learn that my weight was good but cringed (literally) when I told her it must be from the Costco poutine that I ate on Monday.  She just stopped and said "I hope you are eating fruits and vegetables too".  I told her I was but I cannot pass up poutine whenever I go to Costco.  I think she even gagged a bit.  My oncologist came in almost right away and checked me over - given my sinus infection.  She said my lungs all sound clear (despite my cough) and that my sinus' are still a bit swollen but nothing to worry about.  She said my blood counts were all good but my liver was showing some signs from the chemo which is totally normal and they'll monitor with my routine blood work.  I didn't break the news to her that last night I went out to the bar for a drink with my friend.  Perhaps my liver was protesting my Blue Lagoon?!  I'm good to go for round 3 and I was excited when my oncologist said, "Next time I see you, you'll be half way done".  YES!!! 

I am armed with all my meds and ready for round 3 tomorrow.  I have to be there for 9:40am so hope to be home just after lunch for some rice and bed.  Fingers crossed this round goes well like last time.  I will update over the weekend when I get a chance. 

Lots to do.....

Yesterday I started to feel better and actually limited myself to 1 nap.  I am starting to think that the more time I spend lying around makes me feel more exhausted.  Weird I know but I think my body just assumes that I'm to be in bed all day.  After napping when the boys did Jack and I had a "Mommy and Jack afternoon".  I got my wig on, put my make up on and we headed out to get his hair cut.  Then off to Tim Hortons for some donuts before picking up supper and heading home.  It was SO nice to just be out with Jack.  He has been having such a hard time with everything and I think it helped him to see me looking somewhat "normal" with my wig on and out and about.  We left the hair salon and he said, "Well that was excellent".  I guess having 2 suckers, watching a movie and getting stickers makes for an "excellent" hair cutting experience.  It was a fun afternoon together and I think I needed it as much as Jack did.  I have been trying to hang onto anything "normal" through all this and yet I feel like nothing has been normal for so many weeks. 

This week I have LOTS to get done before my 3rd chemo on Friday.  My sinus infection is still hanging on but I feel that I can function at least so I've got to get our and get things checked off my "to do" list.  I'm happy that I'm onto my 3rd round which means that I'm almost done the first 4 rounds before my chemo meds change for the last 4.  In my mind I have been breaking my chemo down by the first 4 and last 4 treatments.  It seems more manageable in my head to do that rather then thinking of it all as 4 months.  I can't believe it has been 2 months since my diagnosis.  I feel like so much has happened since then but yet April feels SO far away.  One day at a time.......

Missing my nose hairs......

I am back from the doctor having been diagnosed with a sinus infection and now I'm on antibiotics.  Oh how I miss my nose hairs when my nose is running down my face.  Who knew that they were so essential to a cold?! 

I was blessed today to have my friend Kim stop by with boxes of kleenex and a Starbucks for me.  We sat and chatted for awhile and it's always nice to see her.  We have the best conversations!!!  She makes me laugh and she didn't care that I was pretty well useless on the couch while we hung out.  Tonight Dawn came to clean my house and cook us all dinner.  The boys always love seeing their "Auntie Dawnie".  The meal was delicious and my house looks and smells so clean.  She was here cleaning while my mom took me to the doctor.  I came home and went right to bed for a nap - it was the first time I'd been out of the house in days and it felt like an all day field trip.  Dawn just kept cleaning and cooking while I napped.  I always knew that I had the most amazing support but through all this I continue to be overwhelmed by everyone's love and support that they have given me and my family.  I'm so lucky to be going through this with the love and support of so many people.  It makes it that much easier to know that I'm not alone. 

Down and out.....

I have been battling a cold since my last chemo a week ago and things are not getting any better.  I have NO energy and I am so sick of blowing my nose.  Having no nose hairs makes things a little bit more awkward when having a cold and having little immune system makes it hard to fight it off.  I woke up last night with tons of pressure in my sinus' and a horrible headache.  So I stayed awake and kept taking my temperature to make sure I didn't have a fever.  A fever means a trip right to the hospital.  So after little sleep and lots of discomfort, I am heading to the family doctor today to see what she can do for me.  I hope that I can get some kind of relief given that I have chemo in a week.  I'd really like a few days of feeling good before I get zapped again.  I'll update once I'm back from the doctor today.......

Good bye hair.....

This morning I got up and was DONE with my hair falling out in chunks and breathing my own hairs off my pillow.  So I told Kurt to grab the clippers.....it was time to shave my head.  I wanted Jack to be a part of it so he came into the bathroom and sat on the toilet while I sat on a stool in front of him.  Jack said, "Mommy do you want to hold my hand?".  I told him I would like that and that he's very brave when he gets his hair cut so he could help me be brave.  Kurt got to work and Jack said, "Mommy it's just a tickle.....it won't hurt.....it's like little bees" - all the things that I tell him when he's getting his hair cut!!  So we sat holding hands while Kurt shaved my head.  After I looked at Jack and said, "Well how do I look?".  He kinda stared at me for a second and said, "I think you look like Daddy" and he laughed.  Then he decided that we should have suckers because I was so brave to cut my hair and he was brave too.  He always gets a sucker at the hairdresser.  So that was the start of my morning. 

When I look in the mirror I don't recognize myself and I now feel like I look like a cancer patient - someone I never wanted to look like.  I don't want people to look at me and think I'm sick, because I'm not sick.  At times I feel sick from my chemo or the meds they have me taking but I'm not sick.  Kurt had a harder time with the whole hair cutting thing because now it's real to him.  I'm sure it will be the same feeling for everyone who sees me with a shaved head - this is REALLY happening.  For me its been real since my diagnosis and even before because I've had to endure all the physical things.  But for everyone else, there's no denying it anymore.  I am a cancer patient! 

I have been feeling fairly good since my chemo.  I hit the wall yesterday and spent the majority of the day in bed.  Today I have some bone pain/aches from the needle I take on Day 3 (normal reaction) and I'm really tired so spent most of the afternoon sleeping.  I'm happy to be a 1/4 of the way done chemo and I know all of this is only temporary but on certain days it feels like a long haul. 

On Saturday I got a delivery of flowers from my sister in law, brother in law and their kids.  It was a nice way to brighten my day.  Then yesterday I got another delivery of flowers from my Aunt and Uncle.  It's nice to know that I have so much love and support and the flowers both came on my lowest days.  Through all of this I cannot help but know how truly lucky and blessed I am to have so much love and supportive people in my life.  They say your true friends and family come out in times like these and I believe that.  I know that I'm not alone and that helps make this road that much easier to travel.  "Thank you" just will never be enough for me to say to everyone. 

Meredith 1......chemo 0!!!

It seems as though the new meds worked!!  We met with the pharmacist at the hospital while I was having chemo and he seemed to think that I had a "severe reaction" to the one med that had given me to take orally last time.  I told him how I was feeling and he asked if I had a stiff jaw too and I said I had.  So he said he was pretty sure it was all that drug and nothing else.  They eliminated that drug this time (well I told them I wouldn't take it anymore) and gave me something else.  My chemo nurse ran my IV slower this time and had me sit for an extra half hour to just run saline afterwards.  That all seemed to help.  I came home and had some rice and an Irish tea biscuit (thanks Neil and Amanda) and a cup of tea and went to bed.  I slept okay last night.  I had minimal nausea and did not throw up.  I woke up this morning and ate breakfast and had a big nap.  I'm really tired and have no energy but that's okay.  At least I can eat and rest without wondering when I'll be sick next. 

Today I looked on my pillow and my hair is starting to fall out.  They said it would started around 2-3 weeks after my first chemo so they're pretty accurate.  I guess the doctors have been through this a few times with patients.  Kurt's got his clippers all ready and he'll shave my head when the time comes.  I've come to realize that although in our Society we admire nice hair and/or boobs......they don't make me who I am.  Cancer has not changed who I am as a person.  With or without hair or breasts.....I'm still me.  And nothing will ever change that. 

Armed and ready......

Today my Mom and I were at the cancer center.  I had blood work in the morning and then saw my team in the afternoon.  The blood work was uneventful.  I got my favourite lab tech and Mom and I were witness to a slightly crazy lady who was yelling and swearing at her adult son while her husband and the volunteer tried to mediate.  Emotions always run high in the cancer center but it was a bit over the top.  Mom and I went for lunch between appointments and had amazing pizza and sandwich. 

I met my team in the late afternoon.  It was decided to keep my anti-nausea drugs the same but to eliminate the one that made me throw up (insert Gravol instead) and add an additional med that should "work on a different part of the brain".  So fingers crossed it works.  If I end up manic again at least I'm armed with my sleeping pills this time and I'll take one at first sign and hope that I can sleep.  All my blood cell counts are great so I am well enough for chemo.  My oncologist said, "you're not sick.....we'll make you feel sick but you're not sick".  So essentially I feel great which means I'm well enough for them to make me feel sick.  But hey.....feeling great and having high counts means I'm healthy and my body can fight and heal.  So I'm good with that. 

Today I went out and got all my "post chemo" foods - which were the things I essentially lived off of for 5 days last time.  I made some muffins and lots of rice so I feel more prepared this time.  Mom and Dad are picking up the boys from daycare tomorrow and will keep them until I can have them home.  So we're ready!!  I'm armed with the food I need, the meds that will hopefully work and the support system in place.  BRING IT!! 

For now I'll enjoy my chips and dip and drink lots of water.  Tomorrow WILL be better then the last time and I'm going to own this. 

Feeling good....

I had a great weekend of feeling good and getting lots done.  Playing with the boys and having friends in for dinner.  Sunday we had dinner at my parents and I came home feeling "icky".  My stomach was off again and I ended up being up all night Sunday with more chemo side effects.  I felt pretty defeated on Monday having felt so good over the last few days.  I resorted to lying around on the couch and resting on Monday.  I figure when I feel good, I'll take advantage and when I don't feel good, I'll rest.  Yesterday I felt really good and got lots accomplished.  I picked up my wig yesterday which I LOVE.  My wig is hair that I've always wanted but could never grow and afford to keep that nice.  While I was there my hairdresser cut my hair into a really short pixie cut.  He said he wanted to give me something "great" seeing as it's my last haircut for awhile.  So I let him do whatever he wanted - after all if I hated it, it's just going to fall out any way.  But I always wanted to go super short and I think it's cute.  Even Kurt liked it who swears off short hair.  I had lunch with my bestie Dawn at Bauer Kitchen.  It was nice to see her and hang out.....even if she missed a meeting that was called while we were out for lunch.  I got Jack's passport renewed yesterday too and was happy to learn that it's good for 5 years now that he's 3. 

Last night was Sam's first swimming lesson and Jack's swimming lessons too.  Kurt and I were shocked that Sam HATED the water.  This kid is a fish in the bath and loves to sit on my parents island and turn the water on and off.  Well swimming may not be his thing.  But it was his first time and so we'll press on.  Jack did awesome swimming across the pool with a pool noodle.  Although he'll tell you that he didn't have fun.....he did!  Amanda and Neil stopped in last night with fresh Irish scones for me and a present for Jack (belated Christmas).  It was great to see them and Amanda looks to cute with her baby bump. 

Overall, feeling really good over the last week.  Gearing up to have my 2nd round of chemo on Friday.  I see the team tomorrow to have blood work and talk new meds.  I'm hopeful that they'll be able to give me something new that will work this time.  But in looking back on the last 14 days.....the first 5 were the worst and it got better from there.  So if I have to have 5 crappy days each cycle for a week of feeling good.....that's not so bad. 

Excersise shown to be beneficial to cancer patients......

I was contacted by David Haas who does research into the benefits of fitness, support groups and nutrition for cancer patients and even their support people.  He came across my blog and wanted to know if he could write a little something to share with readers and other cancer patients like me.  So I thought it was a great idea and here is what he has to say......

 EXERCISE SHOWN TO BE BENEFICIAL TO CANCER PATIENTS

The Foundation for Cancer Research & Wellness

Exercise is very beneficial to cancer patients and inactivity should be avoided.
Combined with other research in the medical field, the article places emphasis on
activity during and after cancer treatment. This is in direct contrast to what cancer
patients used to hear. But the days of being told to lie in bed and take it easy are
gone. Although exercise must be incorporated under the supervision of your doctor,
if you're suffering from cancer, such as mesothelioma, breast cancer or any other
type of cancer, exercise can provide you with some of the following benefits.

Improves Quality of Life

Coping with cancer treatment and its side effects can wreak havoc on your quality
of life. While there are days when you want nothing more than to lay in bed or sit
on the couch, it's beneficial to get some moderate exercise when you can. Exercise
improves strength and stamina, which in turn helps you as you recover from
treatment.

Boosts Energy

Exercise boosts energy for anyone who does it. Energy becomes especially important
when cancer and its treatments deplete your energy. Thirty minutes of moderate
exercise gets your blood pumping and oxygen moving through your body, both of
which contribute toward increased energy. Start out slowly and if 30 minutes isn't
possible, do what you can.

Emotionally Beneficial

In addition to providing you with physical benefits, exercise is also beneficial in
other ways. If you're feeling down or experiencing a loss of confidence during cancer
treatment, exercising can boost both. The rush of endorphins as you exercise helps
lifts your mood and continual participation in exercise contributes toward a boost in
confidence.

Other Health Benefits

Aside from the specific benefits exercise has to you during or after cancer treatment,
long-term participation in moderate exercise contributes toward greater heart health,
while decreasing your risk for heart disease and diabetes. Altogether, these things
can greatly increase your quality of life.

While it is recommended that cancer patients recommend a total of 150 minutes
per week, similar to the general public, the type and intensity of exercise should be
tailored specifically to the needs and ability of the cancer patient. If your immune
system is suffering, working out in a public location might not be the best option.
Activities such as swimming, yoga, walking and moderate strength training are all
beneficial to those with cancer.

If you want to contact David for more information or to inquire about his research you can e-mail him at davdhaas@gmail.com. 

Pizza, great friends and even a glass of wine.....

Yesterday was the first day since my first chemo where I actually felt good.  I did not wake up feeling like I was in a fog (even though the boys were up at 5am) and I felt like I had a good night's sleep.  I got a lot accomplished with the boys in the morning before Kurt took them to an indoor playground.  While they were gone I went outside to take down all the outdoor Christmas stuff, enjoying the fresh air and a good chat with my neighbour.  I napped when the kids did and woke up feeling like I wanted to have friends in for dinner.  So I called on some friends to come for a playdate and dinner and was excited that I was having a normal day and soon to be a normal evening. 

Lorri, Scott and Emma arrived and we ate pizza, wings and I even had a glass of wine.  Why the heck not.....it felt (and tasted) good.  The kids were quick to strip down to their undies after dinner and went headed to the basement for a "dance party" complete with glow sticks!!!  Sam can really rock out.  Emma had some great moves and Jack did his soon to be world famous "flamingo".  Emma decided that she was going to have a bath at our house so Lorri and I took the three clowns up to the tub and scrubbed them clean.  With Emma sporting a pair of Jack's jammies they headed home and our boys headed to bed. 

It felt great to feel great.  On the days I feel good I'm going to make the most of them and on the days I feel tired.....I'll rest.  I have a busy week ahead of appointments and things before my next chemo on Friday.  I'll let you know how it goes on Tuesday when I get my wig - or my "new hair" as Jack says. 

Turning the corner.......

I feel like I need to update a bit after my entry this morning.  I don't mean to be a complainer and I really try to stay positive but there are times where I need to throw a little pity party - not that I expect anyone to show up. 

My mom took me to the family doctor today where I got a mild sleeping pill to take tonight and for the next 3 nights.  This should help kick my system back into normal sleep.  After coming home I was beyond exhausted from my outing so I laid on the couch while my  mom made me lunch and part of dinner for tonight.  While we were gone my Dad put all my Christmas stuff away, rearranged my furniture and risked him life in our garage while putting all the Christmas boxes up in the rafters.  Not long after they left I was sound asleep and had a GREAT 2 hour nap.  I actually felt really good when I woke up. 

Tonight I was able to eat dinner with the kids, bathe them, have a movie night with popcorn and apple slices (oh and "sticks" at Sam's request) and put them to bed.  All with Kurt's help of course but I felt like a mom again!!!  Jack said to me "Mommy you are really better".  I told him I was working on it but felt a lot better then yesterday and the days before. 

So I've jumped off the pity train and I'm back to feeling blessed and normal for tonight.  Leanne came by tonight to help with the boys and drop some work stuff off for me.  She's a friend that anyone would be lucky to have in their lives.  Jo and I texted most of the day about her destination wedding which makes me want to go now and not wait until next year.  Normal is good and it's all that I've wanted to feel in the last 5 days.  I want to celebrate my friends' joys and be there for their sorrows.....just like always.  I think I'm starting to finally turn the corner with the side effects of the meds and hoping that tomorrow is a good day. 

Beyond exhausted and totally drained.....

Last night did not start off well.  I ended up holding Jack in my arms and rocking him while we both cried.  He was crying because he is "so sad" that I am sick and he desperately wants me to play trains again.  It breaks my heart that cancer has now affected my kids.  Of course I'm crying because my baby is crying but also because I feel so helpless and trapped in my own body.  I want more then anything for life to be normal for one minute, for me to get down on the floor and play with the boys.  But just walking down the stairs takes all that I have and I end up lying on the couch.  Jack has resorted to "snuggling" under my blanket on the couch with me and we play "toesies".  I hated cancer before but I really hate it now that it has affected my kids and made them sad.  Hearing Sam cry "Mama" at night kills me when I can't even will my body to get out of bed to go get him.  Kurt ended up bringing Sam into our bed last night just so he could be close to me.  That settled him right down.  The guilt I am feeling is huge today even though I know none of this is my fault.  I never want to see my boys sad but this is a time when I can't do anything to help it. 

I did talk with my support nurse yesterday who told me all what I am feeling is side effects of the anti nausea meds (that didn't work any way) and I should be feeling better in about 3 days.  GREAT...... 3 more days of this.  She told me that they would re-evaluate all my meds for next chemo and "hope" that this does not happen again.  In the end it's all just trial and error and they have no idea until they try something how I'll react.  So while I'm thankful that they're willing to switch things up, my anxiety is not lessened when in the end they don't really know what will happen. 

Thank God for my parents and all the support and running around they've been doing for us.  Getting the boys and making meals, taking care of me while I've been useless, keeping the boys entertained and helping around the house.  I don't know what I would do without them.  No matter what happens in the next few months with treatment we are SO blessed to have such amazing supports.  There have been times over the last few days that I've thought "I can't do this anymore" but then I get a call or a text or an email from someone letting me know that they're there for me, that I can do this and it helps push me along to another day.  I've always maintained that I can do anything for 4 months and deep down I know I can.  I'm angry today that cancer has upset my children, that I cannot be the mother and wife I want to be.  That anger also fuels my fire to fight my hardest and hope that I never have to feel this way ever again.  No matter how tired I am or how drained......I still have fight in me, even if it's just a bit today. 

No taste, no energy, exhaustion and frustration......

This chemo has really thrown me on my a-double s that's forsure!!  I now have no taste buds or at least everything I do drink or eat tastes like metal or warm liquid.  I have to have all my drinks ICE cold or they taste awful and most food just tastes like nothing.  It's very  hard to eat and drink when everything I put in my mouth if horrible.  I'm still nauseous at times although have not thrown up since Saturday.  I couldn't sleep last night because my mind just races (thanks to the steriods) and I wake up in a hot sweat.  My back is achy from the injection for my white blood cells but so far I think the "bone pain" associated with that has been minimal - one saving grace.  I walk up a flight of stairs and I have to lie down.  I'm frustrated that Jack just so desperately wants me to feel better to "play trains" and I just don't have the energy.  I feel like a prisioner in my own skin.....I so badly want to do things but physically can't.  I'm not usually one to lie around but that's all I seem to be able to do.  I'm exhausted all day but can't sleep at night.  UGH!  I am feeling rather defeated and started to feel like a "cancer patient".  Before this I felt totally fine and like this was all just a bump in the road.  Now it feels much harder.

I am calling the oncologist today to see if I can get my meds switched for the next round of chemo and to talk to her about getting something to help me sleep.  Fingers crossed that the next round is not this bad.  It feels like it's going to be a very long 4 months.......

Chemo 1.....Meredith 0.......

I had my first chemo on Friday (Dec. 30) and this is the first chance I've felt well enough to even sit up let alone type.  Chemo day was pretty uneventful.  We got to the chemo "suite" and I was taken to a reclining chair.  A volunteer came by with warm blankets and chocolate, a good start.  My nurse started to run an IV of fluids to get me hydrated and Kurt and I met with the pharmacist and the CCAC worker.  All was well until I saw my nurse coming towards me in a biohazard suit, thick plastic gloves, face shield, goggles and hat.  She was carrying various vials and IVS all packaged with a biohazard sticker.  I looked at her and said, "Seriously.....you have to wear all that and you're going to put this into my vein?!".  She told me how toxic is was.  GREAT...feeling a bit anxious at this point.  In about an hour and a half I was done my first chemo and we left. 

I felt fine and so we stopped at the store and got some groceries and foods that I thought would be good to have on hand to eat (yeah right......stay tuned).  I got a much needed hug from my mom's friend who we saw in the grocery store and felt pretty good.  I ate a chicken cesear salad - not the best choice - for lunch and went to have a nap.  Then it started.....by 2:30pm I was violently ill and it remained that way until 11:30pm.  I couldn't even roll over in bed without being so nauseous I'd throw up.  It was horrible!!!

Day 2 found me in bed all day sleeping off and on and throwing up less then the day before but still throwing up.  If there's one thing I HATE more then anything else is throwing up.  Kurt took the boys to a birthday party in the morning so I could sleep and to the family New Years eve party late afternoon.  He's become Mr. Mom through all this and doing so well with it all.  I managed to eat a banana and popsicle for "dinner" and a cup of tea.  Kurt managed to figure out that every time I took my "rescue nausea" med I'd throw up so I stopped taking that one and just took a gravol last night and finally slept.

Day 3 today I feel a bit more normal.  I've managed to drink more and eat some toast and banana and keep it down.  I'm exhausted today and just feel really weak.  The boys are at my parents for the day as they were climbing the walls here.  The nurse came today to teach Kurt how to inject me with a needle to keep my white blood count up.  Not the most pleasant thing to have a needle in your stomach but he did well for his first time. 

Overall my experience has not been a positive one and I'm going to be calling on Tuesday to see if I can get new meds for the next round.  I'm not to excited to think about feeling horrible again and again through all my treatments.  I know they'll be able to switch things around.  For now I wait for the bone pain to kick in from the needle that I got today.  It's all worth it in the end and I just keep telling myself that I can do anything for 4 months if it means I get 40+ years with my kids in the end. 

Happy New Year to everyone.  2012 will be our year!!!