This morning I got up and was DONE with my hair falling out in chunks and breathing my own hairs off my pillow. So I told Kurt to grab the clippers.....it was time to shave my head. I wanted Jack to be a part of it so he came into the bathroom and sat on the toilet while I sat on a stool in front of him. Jack said, "Mommy do you want to hold my hand?". I told him I would like that and that he's very brave when he gets his hair cut so he could help me be brave. Kurt got to work and Jack said, "Mommy it's just a tickle.....it won't hurt.....it's like little bees" - all the things that I tell him when he's getting his hair cut!! So we sat holding hands while Kurt shaved my head. After I looked at Jack and said, "Well how do I look?". He kinda stared at me for a second and said, "I think you look like Daddy" and he laughed. Then he decided that we should have suckers because I was so brave to cut my hair and he was brave too. He always gets a sucker at the hairdresser. So that was the start of my morning.
When I look in the mirror I don't recognize myself and I now feel like I look like a cancer patient - someone I never wanted to look like. I don't want people to look at me and think I'm sick, because I'm not sick. At times I feel sick from my chemo or the meds they have me taking but I'm not sick. Kurt had a harder time with the whole hair cutting thing because now it's real to him. I'm sure it will be the same feeling for everyone who sees me with a shaved head - this is REALLY happening. For me its been real since my diagnosis and even before because I've had to endure all the physical things. But for everyone else, there's no denying it anymore. I am a cancer patient!
I have been feeling fairly good since my chemo. I hit the wall yesterday and spent the majority of the day in bed. Today I have some bone pain/aches from the needle I take on Day 3 (normal reaction) and I'm really tired so spent most of the afternoon sleeping. I'm happy to be a 1/4 of the way done chemo and I know all of this is only temporary but on certain days it feels like a long haul.
On Saturday I got a delivery of flowers from my sister in law, brother in law and their kids. It was a nice way to brighten my day. Then yesterday I got another delivery of flowers from my Aunt and Uncle. It's nice to know that I have so much love and support and the flowers both came on my lowest days. Through all of this I cannot help but know how truly lucky and blessed I am to have so much love and supportive people in my life. They say your true friends and family come out in times like these and I believe that. I know that I'm not alone and that helps make this road that much easier to travel. "Thank you" just will never be enough for me to say to everyone.
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