Last night did not start off well. I ended up holding Jack in my arms and rocking him while we both cried. He was crying because he is "so sad" that I am sick and he desperately wants me to play trains again. It breaks my heart that cancer has now affected my kids. Of course I'm crying because my baby is crying but also because I feel so helpless and trapped in my own body. I want more then anything for life to be normal for one minute, for me to get down on the floor and play with the boys. But just walking down the stairs takes all that I have and I end up lying on the couch. Jack has resorted to "snuggling" under my blanket on the couch with me and we play "toesies". I hated cancer before but I really hate it now that it has affected my kids and made them sad. Hearing Sam cry "Mama" at night kills me when I can't even will my body to get out of bed to go get him. Kurt ended up bringing Sam into our bed last night just so he could be close to me. That settled him right down. The guilt I am feeling is huge today even though I know none of this is my fault. I never want to see my boys sad but this is a time when I can't do anything to help it.
I did talk with my support nurse yesterday who told me all what I am feeling is side effects of the anti nausea meds (that didn't work any way) and I should be feeling better in about 3 days. GREAT...... 3 more days of this. She told me that they would re-evaluate all my meds for next chemo and "hope" that this does not happen again. In the end it's all just trial and error and they have no idea until they try something how I'll react. So while I'm thankful that they're willing to switch things up, my anxiety is not lessened when in the end they don't really know what will happen.
Thank God for my parents and all the support and running around they've been doing for us. Getting the boys and making meals, taking care of me while I've been useless, keeping the boys entertained and helping around the house. I don't know what I would do without them. No matter what happens in the next few months with treatment we are SO blessed to have such amazing supports. There have been times over the last few days that I've thought "I can't do this anymore" but then I get a call or a text or an email from someone letting me know that they're there for me, that I can do this and it helps push me along to another day. I've always maintained that I can do anything for 4 months and deep down I know I can. I'm angry today that cancer has upset my children, that I cannot be the mother and wife I want to be. That anger also fuels my fire to fight my hardest and hope that I never have to feel this way ever again. No matter how tired I am or how drained......I still have fight in me, even if it's just a bit today.
No comments:
Post a Comment