Back in January I had my genetic testing with the hopes of ruling out the breast cancer gene. The test looks at the BRCA 1 and BRCA 2 genes. On September 25, 2012 I finally got my results. I DO NOT HAVE THE GENE (cue happy dance!!). So that means that I am not at a higher risk of ovarian or cervical cancer and my boys are not at an increased risk of prostate cancer. I am thrilled for me that I don't have the gene but even more thrilled for my kids and my brother's kids that I don't carry the gene. I was told that now the test is catching 95% of people with the gene so I left feeling very confident.
The million dollar question now becomes WHY?! My cancer was not fed by any hormones and I don't have the gene. So why when I was in the best shape of my life did I get cancer? I am choosing to believe that it was just a one off.
I have spent the summer working on my emotional health and well being. I enjoyed many great beach trips with family and friends and enjoyed every second of time with my kids (well maybe not when they were fighting but the majority of the time). I went back to the gym and started to build up my stamina with yoga and cardio. It feels good to be back to the gym and able to be active again. I can't help but remember crawling up the stairs on my hands and knees not to long ago because I was to sick and weak to walk. Kurt helping me to bed and tucking me in. Some days those thoughts are very distant and other days it feels like just yesterday.
I still struggle with the FEAR of a recurrence. I have been working really hard with the counselor at the hospital to learn strategies that will help me when that fear creeps in. I still have good days and bad days. Lately more good then bad but the emotional piece has been a huge challenge. I hate the word "survivor". I don't relate to it at all. I don't feel like I did anything great other then what the team of doctors told me to do. I have heard "Aren't you glad it's all over and you can go back to normal?". I want to just jump out of my skin when I hear that. My journey will never be over, this will be my struggle forever. The journey will smooth out but it will never stop. My life will never go back to normal. I would give anything to have my life return to the way it was before. When things just seemed easier and I wasn't living my life in fear. The key is for me to find my "new normal" and to find ways to not allow my fear to consume me. I am a work in progress and I know I will get there.
I am back to work on Monday October 1st. I have all kinds of mixed emotions about that. I wanted nothing more then to go to work when I was in bed and sick after chemo. To just drop my boys at daycare and go to work was all I could think of some days. Well the time has come. I am worried I'll get to work, to the team who supported me throughout the last 10 months and who are the most amazing bunch of women anyone could image and cry. I don't want to cry and not be able to stop. I have so many emotions that I had pushed right down to my toes but now they're all creeping up and I can't hide them any more. I know my team will have the kleenex ready afterall this has been their journey too.
For now I pick up and carry on. I am learning about my new normal and also about the new me. I am greatful to have such amazing friends and family. Jack and Sam keep me laughing every day. They're the greatest kids and I'm so thankful that I'm healthy enough to keep up to them again. I am lucky and I am moving forward.......slowly but it's progress.
Thursday, 27 September 2012
Tuesday, 14 August 2012
9 months later......
August 11th marked my 9 months diagnosis date and also 9 months into my 2 years of "highest risk for recurrence time".
I was at the oncologist yesterday for a check up and received a clean bill of health :) I always hold my breath when she does the "breast" exam and checks my lymph nodes. I just close my eyes and think "don't find anything......don't find anything". It's always a relief and I finally breathe when she says "ok, you're good". I was on the high of the rollar coaster for the day yesterday. When things are good they're really good but when things are bad they're really bad.
I have totally underestimated the emotional healing that needs to take place with a cancer diagnosis. When I was in treatment it was all focused on the physical aspect of the disease. Get the cancer out meant surgery, heal from the surgery, get the drains out, do the pre-chemo scans, start chemo, chemo every 14 days for 4 months, deal with the physical side effects etc. Now I feel great physically but the emotional side of things has kicked into full gear, leaving me sad, angry and confused all at once. I burst into tears at the smallest thing and I often look at my kids faces with sadness. It's SO hard to not let myself go to "when it comes back" or "what if". It's hard to live my life as if nothing ever happened. People will ask me if it's nice to be back to "normal". God I wish my life could be back to normal, back to the way it was pre-cancer. But it will never be. Cancer has and will forever change who I am, how I see the world, what I value and what my worries are. I was at Kurt's cousin's wedding at the beginning of August and while his Aunt and Uncle were giving their speech at their son's wedding, I started to cry. I couldn't help but hope that I will be able to be that mother of the groom and that I will be able to talk about my boys growing up into amazing men and seeing them marry the girl of their dreams. It's in those moments that I can't help myself and the tears just flow down my face.
The emotional healing has proved to be the hardest part of this whole process. I have been done chemo for 4 months now (as long as I was in chemo) but I feel like my journey has just begun. Trying to get a hold of my emotions and fears has proved to be MUCH harder then healing from anything else. It's hard mostly because there is no set plan and there are no hard and fast rules on what to do to "fix" it. When it was physical there was a plan and I just went along with what my team had put on the table for me to do. With this there is no real plan. No one can tell me how to fix it, no one can give me hard and fast things to do that will make it all go away......it's all up to me and I'm scared.
I have stayed on my anti-depressant. I can't imagine what a total basket case I'd be without it. I have also reached out to the social worker at the hospital and I'm seeing her every 2 weeks for counseling. I said to her "you NEED to tell me how to do this whole live my life thing". She just shook her head and said, "nope. You already know but I will help you to do what you already know". I honestly think I should have bought shares in Kleenex!!!! At least I could be making money out of this deal.
So I struggle each and every day to find a balance. To push my fears to the back of my mind and move forward. My motivation throughout all of this has always remained my kids. My boys laughs, smiles, kisses and hugs will always be the BEST medicine anyone can give me. I try to stay strong for them, to hold it together for them so that I can be there for them. When Sam runs behind me saying "Mommy don't leave without me" or Jack says, "I need you Mommy". I think, "I never want to leave without you and I need you more!!!". That's what keeps me going.
This whole journey and rollar coaster ride has been the hardest thing I have ever had to do. On most rollar coasters it's you as the parent holding your kids hand and reassuring them they're safe and okay. On this rollar coaster ride it's my kids holding my hand and me feeling that as long as they are, I am safe and okay.
I was at the oncologist yesterday for a check up and received a clean bill of health :) I always hold my breath when she does the "breast" exam and checks my lymph nodes. I just close my eyes and think "don't find anything......don't find anything". It's always a relief and I finally breathe when she says "ok, you're good". I was on the high of the rollar coaster for the day yesterday. When things are good they're really good but when things are bad they're really bad.
I have totally underestimated the emotional healing that needs to take place with a cancer diagnosis. When I was in treatment it was all focused on the physical aspect of the disease. Get the cancer out meant surgery, heal from the surgery, get the drains out, do the pre-chemo scans, start chemo, chemo every 14 days for 4 months, deal with the physical side effects etc. Now I feel great physically but the emotional side of things has kicked into full gear, leaving me sad, angry and confused all at once. I burst into tears at the smallest thing and I often look at my kids faces with sadness. It's SO hard to not let myself go to "when it comes back" or "what if". It's hard to live my life as if nothing ever happened. People will ask me if it's nice to be back to "normal". God I wish my life could be back to normal, back to the way it was pre-cancer. But it will never be. Cancer has and will forever change who I am, how I see the world, what I value and what my worries are. I was at Kurt's cousin's wedding at the beginning of August and while his Aunt and Uncle were giving their speech at their son's wedding, I started to cry. I couldn't help but hope that I will be able to be that mother of the groom and that I will be able to talk about my boys growing up into amazing men and seeing them marry the girl of their dreams. It's in those moments that I can't help myself and the tears just flow down my face.
The emotional healing has proved to be the hardest part of this whole process. I have been done chemo for 4 months now (as long as I was in chemo) but I feel like my journey has just begun. Trying to get a hold of my emotions and fears has proved to be MUCH harder then healing from anything else. It's hard mostly because there is no set plan and there are no hard and fast rules on what to do to "fix" it. When it was physical there was a plan and I just went along with what my team had put on the table for me to do. With this there is no real plan. No one can tell me how to fix it, no one can give me hard and fast things to do that will make it all go away......it's all up to me and I'm scared.
I have stayed on my anti-depressant. I can't imagine what a total basket case I'd be without it. I have also reached out to the social worker at the hospital and I'm seeing her every 2 weeks for counseling. I said to her "you NEED to tell me how to do this whole live my life thing". She just shook her head and said, "nope. You already know but I will help you to do what you already know". I honestly think I should have bought shares in Kleenex!!!! At least I could be making money out of this deal.
So I struggle each and every day to find a balance. To push my fears to the back of my mind and move forward. My motivation throughout all of this has always remained my kids. My boys laughs, smiles, kisses and hugs will always be the BEST medicine anyone can give me. I try to stay strong for them, to hold it together for them so that I can be there for them. When Sam runs behind me saying "Mommy don't leave without me" or Jack says, "I need you Mommy". I think, "I never want to leave without you and I need you more!!!". That's what keeps me going.
This whole journey and rollar coaster ride has been the hardest thing I have ever had to do. On most rollar coasters it's you as the parent holding your kids hand and reassuring them they're safe and okay. On this rollar coaster ride it's my kids holding my hand and me feeling that as long as they are, I am safe and okay.
Friday, 20 July 2012
Can't help it but to stop and think.....
On July 9/12 one of my co-workers passed away at the age of 49 years. She was an amazing social worker and a true shining example of how we should all doing the work that we do. She was a great friend to so many of those that I work with and a real presence at the agency. She will continue to inspire us every day and we will miss her more then she would have ever expected. She died of cancer. A cancer that was not found until it was to late. A cancer that robbed her of a fulfilling life. A cancer that took her away from children who are in need. Can I just say how much I HATE cancer?!
Her memorial service was this past Wednesday. It was a TRUE memorial service. A celebration of her life, of who she was, of what she did best and of what she'll be forever remembered for. A past co-worker has left the agency and has gone to school to become as Pastor. She did the memorial service. This proved to be a very difficult task as she had worked with Frieda for a long time and they were very close. As I sat in the church with tears streaming down my face, I couldn't help but think "This all could have been for me". I was told many months ago that if my cancer had not been found when it was, this summer I would likely no longer be here. I looked at the beautiful framed picture of Frieda's smiling face and had a knot in my stomach. The memorial was not about me but I was so overcome by emotions and sheer anger that cancer has taken yet another amazing human being, I could hardly sit there. Watching the people that I care about feel so hurt and saddened by the loss of Frieda, listening to the music, seeing the pictures of Frieda in happier/healthier times and hearing all that everyone said about her was truly overwhelming for me. As I drove home that night I couldn't help but wonder what people would say about me. Frieda's sister spoke and it was so moving but would my brother really be able to speak?! What music would they play? Who would come? I couldn't help but reflect as I drove home feeling overwhelmed and drained. It was a beautiful memorial and a true celebration of her life.
I am just starting to process everything that has happened to me. It seemed to all happen so quickly that I really didn't give myself enough time to process. Now that I'm home and feeling pretty good it's time, I guess, for me to face what has happened. There are days when I am so overcome with my feelings that I get in the car and go to see anyone who is home. It's hard for me to be alone so I try not to be. I still have lots of little projects that I want to get done but I find that I just can't concentrate for very long. I've enjoyed the summer so far and have had lots of time with friends and family. It has been nice. But as I think about my pending return to work I know that I have to process all of this before I get back to my "life". So one day at a time. I still have my good and bad days but overall I'm feeling better and moving forward.
Her memorial service was this past Wednesday. It was a TRUE memorial service. A celebration of her life, of who she was, of what she did best and of what she'll be forever remembered for. A past co-worker has left the agency and has gone to school to become as Pastor. She did the memorial service. This proved to be a very difficult task as she had worked with Frieda for a long time and they were very close. As I sat in the church with tears streaming down my face, I couldn't help but think "This all could have been for me". I was told many months ago that if my cancer had not been found when it was, this summer I would likely no longer be here. I looked at the beautiful framed picture of Frieda's smiling face and had a knot in my stomach. The memorial was not about me but I was so overcome by emotions and sheer anger that cancer has taken yet another amazing human being, I could hardly sit there. Watching the people that I care about feel so hurt and saddened by the loss of Frieda, listening to the music, seeing the pictures of Frieda in happier/healthier times and hearing all that everyone said about her was truly overwhelming for me. As I drove home that night I couldn't help but wonder what people would say about me. Frieda's sister spoke and it was so moving but would my brother really be able to speak?! What music would they play? Who would come? I couldn't help but reflect as I drove home feeling overwhelmed and drained. It was a beautiful memorial and a true celebration of her life.
I am just starting to process everything that has happened to me. It seemed to all happen so quickly that I really didn't give myself enough time to process. Now that I'm home and feeling pretty good it's time, I guess, for me to face what has happened. There are days when I am so overcome with my feelings that I get in the car and go to see anyone who is home. It's hard for me to be alone so I try not to be. I still have lots of little projects that I want to get done but I find that I just can't concentrate for very long. I've enjoyed the summer so far and have had lots of time with friends and family. It has been nice. But as I think about my pending return to work I know that I have to process all of this before I get back to my "life". So one day at a time. I still have my good and bad days but overall I'm feeling better and moving forward.
Monday, 25 June 2012
My clinical trial......
First, I have to say that I've been all consumed with the "living life" stage and have not updated my blog in awhile. I must admit that the "living life" stage is MUCH more enjoyable then any other stage of this journey so far. I have been on a girls weekend to Florida, celebrated my in-laws 40th anniversary, spent time with family and friends and have enjoyed every second with my boys and Kurt. So I apologise for not keeping my blog up to date.
A little update on my medical side of things. I saw my family doctor this month to renew my prescription for my anti-depressant. I still feel like I need it since I don't feel that I have truly process all this yet. I think the meds help me to be a better mom with more patience and understanding. They help to take the edge off of my "anger" and feelings of sadness that this has all really happened. So we renewed that and she felt that I looked great. I also saw my surgeon this month. He did the "breast" exam (I always hold my breathe and wish and hope that nothing is found). He checks my lymph nodes and said I look and feel fine. He wants me to go for a mammogram and sent another referral to the plastic surgeon. Apparently the other plastic surgeon "does not like to do young women". So I'm being referred to someone else. I'm not in a hurry for this and so I really don't care about the wait to get in. Apparently they can still mammogram me. I'm not sure how this will all go but I guess it can be done. He said that very rarely does the cancer return to the scar/scar tissue so they mammogram yearly to be sure. My date for the mammogram is November 5th......a year to the day that I was first at Freeport for the mammogram and biopsy and met the surgeon. A bit unsettling but I guess my year cancerversary is coming.
Now onto the clinical trial stuff. All my blood work came back fine and my new clinical trial team feels that I am looking and sounding great. I have been taking Metformin for a month now and today I start my twice a day routine. I found an article that explains the trial that I am part of so I'll link it here so you can read about it.
http://clinicaltrials.gov/ct2/show/NCT01101438
It's an interesting study and it could be the breakthrough that us Triple Negative cancer patients need. Being TN means that my cancer was not fed by hormones. That sounds like a good thing, and it is, but it also means we don't know what caused my cancer. So it means I cannot take any meds or have any further treatment to stop what is feeding my cancer. For those women who have estrogen feeding their cancer, they take a drug for 5 years which stops estrogen from being produced hence stops the cancer from being fed. I don't have that option. That means that TN cancer patients have a higher rate of recurrence because the cause of their cancer is unknown and TN cancer tends to be more aggressive. It doesn't mean that I will have a recurrence but it's a crap shoot. So any drug or vaccine or anything that would help us with TN would be a MAJOR breakthrough in cancer research.
On a lighter note......I am happy to report that I now have all my own eyebrows back and eyelashes. My hair is growing in like a weed. It's still rather short and to short to tell if it will be curly but it's SO soft and the colour of dirty dish water. The novelty of shaving my legs has totally worn off but it was fun at first. I have been going "topless" for the last few weeks (no hat, scarves or wig) and it feels SO good.
I am looking forward to enjoying my summer. Beach trips, BBQ's, time with family and friends and most importantly time with my amazing boys and Kurt. Life is good, I'm feeling good and that's all that matters.
A little update on my medical side of things. I saw my family doctor this month to renew my prescription for my anti-depressant. I still feel like I need it since I don't feel that I have truly process all this yet. I think the meds help me to be a better mom with more patience and understanding. They help to take the edge off of my "anger" and feelings of sadness that this has all really happened. So we renewed that and she felt that I looked great. I also saw my surgeon this month. He did the "breast" exam (I always hold my breathe and wish and hope that nothing is found). He checks my lymph nodes and said I look and feel fine. He wants me to go for a mammogram and sent another referral to the plastic surgeon. Apparently the other plastic surgeon "does not like to do young women". So I'm being referred to someone else. I'm not in a hurry for this and so I really don't care about the wait to get in. Apparently they can still mammogram me. I'm not sure how this will all go but I guess it can be done. He said that very rarely does the cancer return to the scar/scar tissue so they mammogram yearly to be sure. My date for the mammogram is November 5th......a year to the day that I was first at Freeport for the mammogram and biopsy and met the surgeon. A bit unsettling but I guess my year cancerversary is coming.
Now onto the clinical trial stuff. All my blood work came back fine and my new clinical trial team feels that I am looking and sounding great. I have been taking Metformin for a month now and today I start my twice a day routine. I found an article that explains the trial that I am part of so I'll link it here so you can read about it.
http://clinicaltrials.gov/ct2/show/NCT01101438
It's an interesting study and it could be the breakthrough that us Triple Negative cancer patients need. Being TN means that my cancer was not fed by hormones. That sounds like a good thing, and it is, but it also means we don't know what caused my cancer. So it means I cannot take any meds or have any further treatment to stop what is feeding my cancer. For those women who have estrogen feeding their cancer, they take a drug for 5 years which stops estrogen from being produced hence stops the cancer from being fed. I don't have that option. That means that TN cancer patients have a higher rate of recurrence because the cause of their cancer is unknown and TN cancer tends to be more aggressive. It doesn't mean that I will have a recurrence but it's a crap shoot. So any drug or vaccine or anything that would help us with TN would be a MAJOR breakthrough in cancer research.
On a lighter note......I am happy to report that I now have all my own eyebrows back and eyelashes. My hair is growing in like a weed. It's still rather short and to short to tell if it will be curly but it's SO soft and the colour of dirty dish water. The novelty of shaving my legs has totally worn off but it was fun at first. I have been going "topless" for the last few weeks (no hat, scarves or wig) and it feels SO good.
I am looking forward to enjoying my summer. Beach trips, BBQ's, time with family and friends and most importantly time with my amazing boys and Kurt. Life is good, I'm feeling good and that's all that matters.
Wednesday, 23 May 2012
Feeling the need for a hampster wheel.....
I am about to feel like a rat running on a wheel in a cage. Yep.....it's clinical trial time. I went to the hospital today and met with my new team. I had 7 vials of blood taken by my own technician. Apparently with the trial things are all so controlled so I had a special tech take my blood and not the usual girls that I've had over the past 6 months. I had to fast for this blood test so I was ready to chew my arm off when I got there. After blood work I went to Tim Hortons to get a muffin and a coffee. I always buy the receptionist a coffee too. I know her order off by heart. I guess I've become a bit familiar with the cancer centre!! I went back up to the clinic to eat my muffin and drink my coffee. An elderly woman was arguing with her son and the volunteer about not wanting to do the symptom chart because she didn't want her son to know how she was feeling. I had to chuckle. I can only imagine this will be my mom and I some day.
I got called back by a new nurse and sat in a room to answer a BUNCH of questions. Most of which I had to answer "No" to. She'd ask me a question and I'd say "No" or "None" and she'd flip 3 pages. Apparently I am to healthy and so is my family given the lack of family history and the lack of medications I am on. She said I was her easiest one yet. Again I had to think "This is why I don't belong here". After my personal interview I was ushered over to the scale where they took my weight and then took my height. They also measured my waist and hips?! Maybe I'll get some kind of cute cape or something to wear while I'm running on my wheel. The oncologist came in who is new to me also and did a look, listen and feel. She said I am the picture of health and all my counts and vitals are good. Great!!! So maybe a few less laps on the wheel will be required if I'm in such great shape now. She talked about the trial and how I'll get the placebo or the medication that I will take twice a day for 5 years. I come back every 6 months for blood work (7 vials) and a look, listen and feel. I am to call if I have any problems of questions (as long as it's during business hours) and I will come back Monday for a pharmacy teaching and to get 6 months worth of pills. I didn't have the heart to ask her when I get my cage and my wheel. So off I went saying good-bye to all my "friends" there. It really does feel like a little family to me and my home away from home. I couldn't help but notice the new people in the waiting room looking so nervous. I remember feeling that way and now I walk in and know everyone and talk to them all as if we're best friends.
I am happy that I received another clean bill of health and that I am going to be part of research. It feels good to be able to give back to the medical field. Who knows.....I just may like being a lab rat!!!
I got called back by a new nurse and sat in a room to answer a BUNCH of questions. Most of which I had to answer "No" to. She'd ask me a question and I'd say "No" or "None" and she'd flip 3 pages. Apparently I am to healthy and so is my family given the lack of family history and the lack of medications I am on. She said I was her easiest one yet. Again I had to think "This is why I don't belong here". After my personal interview I was ushered over to the scale where they took my weight and then took my height. They also measured my waist and hips?! Maybe I'll get some kind of cute cape or something to wear while I'm running on my wheel. The oncologist came in who is new to me also and did a look, listen and feel. She said I am the picture of health and all my counts and vitals are good. Great!!! So maybe a few less laps on the wheel will be required if I'm in such great shape now. She talked about the trial and how I'll get the placebo or the medication that I will take twice a day for 5 years. I come back every 6 months for blood work (7 vials) and a look, listen and feel. I am to call if I have any problems of questions (as long as it's during business hours) and I will come back Monday for a pharmacy teaching and to get 6 months worth of pills. I didn't have the heart to ask her when I get my cage and my wheel. So off I went saying good-bye to all my "friends" there. It really does feel like a little family to me and my home away from home. I couldn't help but notice the new people in the waiting room looking so nervous. I remember feeling that way and now I walk in and know everyone and talk to them all as if we're best friends.
I am happy that I received another clean bill of health and that I am going to be part of research. It feels good to be able to give back to the medical field. Who knows.....I just may like being a lab rat!!!
Friday, 18 May 2012
6 months and 1 week......
Well it has been 6 months and 1 week since I heard those 3 words that changed my life in a second and turned my whole world upside down. "You have cancer" was never something I had planned to or would have wanted to hear in my lifetime. But on November 11/11 that's what I was told. I remember feeling so numb but also in a way relieved. I was relieved that I finally knew. The waiting and not knowing is the hardest part. On that day, in that moment, I knew. I had cancer! I had f**king cancer!!! I was relieved that a plan could be made and I could move forward in order to get the cancer OUT of my body. I remember leaving the surgeon's office and stopping at the reception desk for all my information for surgery. I was bawling my eyes out and my legs were so weak. I don't know how I didn't just fall down. The emotions took over and I was shaking. The receptionist gave me a brochure entitled, "Your journey with breast cancer". I looked down at it and for a second was not really sure why she was giving it to me. Was this all really happening?! Walking out of the office I stopped and looked at Kurt with tears streaming down my face, all I said was "How am I suppose to tell my parents? What do I say? How do I tell them I have cancer?". I know that not only was that the day that turned my world upside down but that was also the day that turned my parent's world upside down.
People have told me how strong I have been through the last 6 months and what an inspiration I am to them. I have not always felt strong and inspiring but those are the qualities that my parents have given me. The strongest people through all of this have been my Mom and Dad. They have not shed tears (at least not with me), they have been open and honest, have done research and my Mom has relied on and talked with all her girlfriends. My Mom has many friends who have all survived the battle with breast cancer. They have received so much amazing support through their journey as they have tried to support me and have tried to process why this has all had to happen. My brother being 7 hours away has struggled with the news too. His baby sister had cancer! How is that fair? And because he does not live close I had to send lots of text messages and make phone calls to reassure him that I was really okay. I'd take pictures of my balding head and moments in chemo and text them to him. I'd always ensure to put on my best smile so that he'd believe that I was doing alright. Every chemo Friday Warren would send me multiple text messages to check in and see how things were going. And all weekend after chemo I'd get messages to see how I was feeling.
I have spent the last 6 weeks post chemo working on getting my strength back. I have gone from literally crawling up the stairs because I was so weak and exhausted to walking an hour with my girlfriends. I am eating well and have a few great new cookbooks. I am feeling good and more like myself every day. I'm finding out who the new me is and trying to get back to a new normal. The fatigue is still there and my "chemo fog" is still affecting my short term memory but they are getting better each day. Patience has never been my strong suit but I am trying to take it easy and just let time heal. I've come a long way in the last few weeks post chemo and know in another 6 weeks I'll be even stronger. My hair is growing back and I have a five o'clock shadow on my head. All my eyebrows fell out after my chemo was over and they're now growing back, as are my eyelashes. I shaved my legs for the first time last week and was never so excited to shave them.
On May 11/12 I had a post chemo party. I was overwhelmed by the number of people who came. It was a great time and also a great way to put closure to the diagnosis and treatment parts of this journey. It was not just closure for me but for everyone who has been on this journey with me. Our support network has been incredible and I will never be able to thank everyone the way you deserve to be thanked.
They say everything happens for a reason. I feel that my cancer brought Warren and I closer together. I learned that he cares more about me than I ever knew. I learned that this has been the hardest thing that my family and I have had to go through. I've learned to let go of the things that I use to stress over constantly. I've learned that my house will not always be perfect, my laundry will not always be put away, there may be toys all over the place and all that is okay. I've learned that I will never be that sick and tired again. I've learned that I don't need my breasts, hair, eyebrows, eyelashes or any other hair for that matter to be happy or to live. I've learned that stress is terrible for my well being and mental health. I've learned who my true friends are and that I am better off without some of the people who I thought were my friends but really aren't. I've learned that no matter what life throws at me, I can handle it. I've learned what it means to have cancer. I've learned that my body is amazing. I've learned that despite the chemo, the BEST medicine throughout all this has been my children. What I'm still learning is what it means to be a survivor........
People have told me how strong I have been through the last 6 months and what an inspiration I am to them. I have not always felt strong and inspiring but those are the qualities that my parents have given me. The strongest people through all of this have been my Mom and Dad. They have not shed tears (at least not with me), they have been open and honest, have done research and my Mom has relied on and talked with all her girlfriends. My Mom has many friends who have all survived the battle with breast cancer. They have received so much amazing support through their journey as they have tried to support me and have tried to process why this has all had to happen. My brother being 7 hours away has struggled with the news too. His baby sister had cancer! How is that fair? And because he does not live close I had to send lots of text messages and make phone calls to reassure him that I was really okay. I'd take pictures of my balding head and moments in chemo and text them to him. I'd always ensure to put on my best smile so that he'd believe that I was doing alright. Every chemo Friday Warren would send me multiple text messages to check in and see how things were going. And all weekend after chemo I'd get messages to see how I was feeling.
I have spent the last 6 weeks post chemo working on getting my strength back. I have gone from literally crawling up the stairs because I was so weak and exhausted to walking an hour with my girlfriends. I am eating well and have a few great new cookbooks. I am feeling good and more like myself every day. I'm finding out who the new me is and trying to get back to a new normal. The fatigue is still there and my "chemo fog" is still affecting my short term memory but they are getting better each day. Patience has never been my strong suit but I am trying to take it easy and just let time heal. I've come a long way in the last few weeks post chemo and know in another 6 weeks I'll be even stronger. My hair is growing back and I have a five o'clock shadow on my head. All my eyebrows fell out after my chemo was over and they're now growing back, as are my eyelashes. I shaved my legs for the first time last week and was never so excited to shave them.
On May 11/12 I had a post chemo party. I was overwhelmed by the number of people who came. It was a great time and also a great way to put closure to the diagnosis and treatment parts of this journey. It was not just closure for me but for everyone who has been on this journey with me. Our support network has been incredible and I will never be able to thank everyone the way you deserve to be thanked.
They say everything happens for a reason. I feel that my cancer brought Warren and I closer together. I learned that he cares more about me than I ever knew. I learned that this has been the hardest thing that my family and I have had to go through. I've learned to let go of the things that I use to stress over constantly. I've learned that my house will not always be perfect, my laundry will not always be put away, there may be toys all over the place and all that is okay. I've learned that I will never be that sick and tired again. I've learned that I don't need my breasts, hair, eyebrows, eyelashes or any other hair for that matter to be happy or to live. I've learned that stress is terrible for my well being and mental health. I've learned who my true friends are and that I am better off without some of the people who I thought were my friends but really aren't. I've learned that no matter what life throws at me, I can handle it. I've learned what it means to have cancer. I've learned that my body is amazing. I've learned that despite the chemo, the BEST medicine throughout all this has been my children. What I'm still learning is what it means to be a survivor........
Monday, 7 May 2012
Happy Birthday to Me......
Saturday was my 34th birthday. A day that I was not sure I was going to see at times during the last few months. I have never really cared all that much about my birthday but this year I sure did!! I woke up to my boys and Kurt singing 'Happy Birthday' as they brought me breakfast in bed. We went to Chuck E Cheese at 9:30am for my "birthday party". Jack insists that if it's your birthday, that's where you go. I was met by my parents, Mommy friends, children and some of my high school girls. We had a great time playing games, eating pizza and hanging out. It really is a place "Where a kid can be a kid". I even rode the little kid merry-go-round with Sam and Jack. FUN!!! After that I went to the Spa with my Mom for 90min facials. SO relaxing and what a great Spa. I can't wait to go back on Friday for my pedicure. I came home to a homemade baked cake thanks to my boys (with some help from Kurt) and we ate cake at 4:30pm. Kurt and I went for a late sushi dinner with Lorri and Scott. My first sushi since my diagnosis. SO yummy and oh how I missed it. Overall, it was a great birthday. I cannot wait to have another 50 birthdays.
On Sunday, I went to family swim with Kurt and the boys. Our friend Nikki had been filling in for me during my treatment and taking the boys with Kurt. I was SO excited to finally be able to go with them. I sported my bald head and walked out proudly. I didn't care of notice if anyone looked at me. I was with my family and that's all that mattered. I did catch the lifeguard looking at me near the end with the "pity" look and just smiled at her. Jack had fun pouring water on my head to "make my hair grow".
It feels good to slowly be getting back to normal and to finally being able to feel well enough to do things with my family. I still think of caner every day and I had moments on my birthday where I was scared or sad hoping this was not my last birthday but, I try to push those thoughts out quickly. I try to enjoy each day and the moments that I am in. I think that I am having less "cancer moments". It's easier to stay busy and keep my mind off of it when I can actually do things. Before I would just lie in bed and think.
A friend of mine called me a "Survivor" the other day. It sort of caught me off guard. I have yet to think of myself as that. I have just done what the doctors told me to do and I have taken each day as it comes. This is the hardest thing I have ever had to do and yes at times I had to really fight but I guess I don't yet feel like a survivor. I just feel like I did what I had to do. I suppose that feeling might come later. To be honest, I have yet to process the entire thing. I am sure I will at some point, and I hope I do, but everything has happened so quickly that I have just done what was presented to me.
The nice weather is coming, I am a year older and life is GOOD!!!!
On Sunday, I went to family swim with Kurt and the boys. Our friend Nikki had been filling in for me during my treatment and taking the boys with Kurt. I was SO excited to finally be able to go with them. I sported my bald head and walked out proudly. I didn't care of notice if anyone looked at me. I was with my family and that's all that mattered. I did catch the lifeguard looking at me near the end with the "pity" look and just smiled at her. Jack had fun pouring water on my head to "make my hair grow".
It feels good to slowly be getting back to normal and to finally being able to feel well enough to do things with my family. I still think of caner every day and I had moments on my birthday where I was scared or sad hoping this was not my last birthday but, I try to push those thoughts out quickly. I try to enjoy each day and the moments that I am in. I think that I am having less "cancer moments". It's easier to stay busy and keep my mind off of it when I can actually do things. Before I would just lie in bed and think.
A friend of mine called me a "Survivor" the other day. It sort of caught me off guard. I have yet to think of myself as that. I have just done what the doctors told me to do and I have taken each day as it comes. This is the hardest thing I have ever had to do and yes at times I had to really fight but I guess I don't yet feel like a survivor. I just feel like I did what I had to do. I suppose that feeling might come later. To be honest, I have yet to process the entire thing. I am sure I will at some point, and I hope I do, but everything has happened so quickly that I have just done what was presented to me.
The nice weather is coming, I am a year older and life is GOOD!!!!
Thursday, 3 May 2012
Go and Live Life......
Yesterday I went to the hospital for blood work and to see my Oncologist. This was my first follow up appointment since my last chemo. My blood counts have all recovered and are in the normal range. They're still on the low end of normal but she said she was happy with that because I am not quite a month out of chemo. It shows that my body can recover and heal. A GOOD sign. She gave me the green light on swimming, exercise, SUSHI and all other things I have had to put off during chemo. I am suppose to now "just go and live life". Sounds easier said then done but music to my ears any way.
I have joined a clinical trial that will last for the next 5 years. So I'm excited about that and excited to be a part of Breast Cancer research. So my follow ups will all be with the clinical trial team, which my oncologist is a part of. I should be getting a call early next week with appointments for the pre-tests that have to be done for the trial. Blood work and a chest x-ray (I think). Then I get my pills - either the drug or the placebo - and off I go. They have a few trials happening at my hospital but my cancer was not "bad enough" so I didn't qualify for any trials. So I'm happy that I can do something now.
Today I went for a walk outside with my best friend Jo-Ann. It felt great to be outside and get some exercise. It's always nice to be with Jo and I'll never stop enjoying our time together. Overall I am feeling really good and each day I feel a bit stronger and have more energy.
I have joined a clinical trial that will last for the next 5 years. So I'm excited about that and excited to be a part of Breast Cancer research. So my follow ups will all be with the clinical trial team, which my oncologist is a part of. I should be getting a call early next week with appointments for the pre-tests that have to be done for the trial. Blood work and a chest x-ray (I think). Then I get my pills - either the drug or the placebo - and off I go. They have a few trials happening at my hospital but my cancer was not "bad enough" so I didn't qualify for any trials. So I'm happy that I can do something now.
Today I went for a walk outside with my best friend Jo-Ann. It felt great to be outside and get some exercise. It's always nice to be with Jo and I'll never stop enjoying our time together. Overall I am feeling really good and each day I feel a bit stronger and have more energy.
Tuesday, 1 May 2012
Living Life.....
I took a bit of a break from my blog after my last chemo. I felt it was time to look at how I am going to "live life" and also focus on our trip to South Carolina.
We left April 16th and spent 2 weeks in the sunny South. I SO love that State and could move there in a second. The beaches, the food, the climate and the Southern hospitality. We were able to spend 3 days with our friend Marlena, her beautiful boy Alex and her mom Mary. They are the sweetest people around and it was great to see them and meet Alex. Jack and Sam went wild for Alex and couldn't get enough of him. Our trip was nice but hectic. We spent a day at the Aquarium, a day at an indoor playground and lots of time on the beach. Mom and I did some power shopping and got some great deals.
It was nice to be away from chemo, doctors and not to have any appointments. It was still hard not to think about cancer. Every day I still thought about it. Thought about trying to create memories while I still could, hoping this was not my last family trip or trip to SC. It sounds so morbid I know but it's hard not to let those thoughts creep in. I would be doing something and then think "Oh, I haven't thought about cancer yet today" then I'd think about it. I am sure those moments will get longer and I will think of cancer less and less but for now, it's still a daily thought.
Physically I am feeling pretty good. I have numbness in my fingers and hands which, doesn't hurt but is really annoying. I can't open and close ziplock bags or do the boys' velcro on their shoes for example. Sam's snaps on his diaper shirts are a killer. I have learned to adapt and rely more on using the palms of my hands. Weird how your body just adjusts to things. The best way I can describe the feeling in my fingers and hands is to say that they are heavy as if they've fallen asleep before you get the tingling. Other then that I am feeling pretty good. I lost all my eyelashes when I was away. I rubbed my eye and looked on my finger and there were my last few. My eyebrows have managed to stay put although they are thin and I think if I touched them they'd fall out too. I just don't touch them or wipe them. I have some leg hair coming back and the hair on my head is pure white and looks fuzzy. It's really short and you can't really tell it's there unless I am in the light. It feels strange when the wind blows through it. But at least it's starting to grow. I hope by the summer I won't need my wig anymore and can go "topless". My wig is SO hot in the warm weather so here's hoping I have enough hair to cover my head a bit.
I see my oncologist tomorrow for blood work and to talk about next steps. I am hoping the blood work looks good. It will feel strange to go back to the hospital after almost a month off. I am anxious to get back to work but I also know that I need time to recover. I am still tired some days and need a nap. I just want life to be normal but I'm starting to realize that I have to find a new normal. For now I am just enjoying being out and being able to do a bit more each day. I can't wait to dig in the garden, clean out this house and have some "me" time.
We left April 16th and spent 2 weeks in the sunny South. I SO love that State and could move there in a second. The beaches, the food, the climate and the Southern hospitality. We were able to spend 3 days with our friend Marlena, her beautiful boy Alex and her mom Mary. They are the sweetest people around and it was great to see them and meet Alex. Jack and Sam went wild for Alex and couldn't get enough of him. Our trip was nice but hectic. We spent a day at the Aquarium, a day at an indoor playground and lots of time on the beach. Mom and I did some power shopping and got some great deals.
It was nice to be away from chemo, doctors and not to have any appointments. It was still hard not to think about cancer. Every day I still thought about it. Thought about trying to create memories while I still could, hoping this was not my last family trip or trip to SC. It sounds so morbid I know but it's hard not to let those thoughts creep in. I would be doing something and then think "Oh, I haven't thought about cancer yet today" then I'd think about it. I am sure those moments will get longer and I will think of cancer less and less but for now, it's still a daily thought.
Physically I am feeling pretty good. I have numbness in my fingers and hands which, doesn't hurt but is really annoying. I can't open and close ziplock bags or do the boys' velcro on their shoes for example. Sam's snaps on his diaper shirts are a killer. I have learned to adapt and rely more on using the palms of my hands. Weird how your body just adjusts to things. The best way I can describe the feeling in my fingers and hands is to say that they are heavy as if they've fallen asleep before you get the tingling. Other then that I am feeling pretty good. I lost all my eyelashes when I was away. I rubbed my eye and looked on my finger and there were my last few. My eyebrows have managed to stay put although they are thin and I think if I touched them they'd fall out too. I just don't touch them or wipe them. I have some leg hair coming back and the hair on my head is pure white and looks fuzzy. It's really short and you can't really tell it's there unless I am in the light. It feels strange when the wind blows through it. But at least it's starting to grow. I hope by the summer I won't need my wig anymore and can go "topless". My wig is SO hot in the warm weather so here's hoping I have enough hair to cover my head a bit.
I see my oncologist tomorrow for blood work and to talk about next steps. I am hoping the blood work looks good. It will feel strange to go back to the hospital after almost a month off. I am anxious to get back to work but I also know that I need time to recover. I am still tired some days and need a nap. I just want life to be normal but I'm starting to realize that I have to find a new normal. For now I am just enjoying being out and being able to do a bit more each day. I can't wait to dig in the garden, clean out this house and have some "me" time.
Tuesday, 10 April 2012
It's all still so surreal.....
I have been finished treatment now for 5 days but it still has not sunk in. Everyone asks me how I feel about being done but I don't feel anything right now. I'm still dealing with the side effects of my last dose so it just feels the same as it always has. I was happy to walk out and hear "You're cancer free" and get my certificate of completing chemo but it still did not sink in. I am not sure when it will but when it does I am sure I'll be a bawling mess or else be smiling from ear to ear with tears running down my face. Either way it will be a great moment.
I have received so many beautiful flowers and a few amazing presents over the last week. Cards, emails and phone calls marking the end of treatment. So many of you have been on this journey with me, some from the very start and some who jumped in during. Whoever you are and whenever you came in please know how gratful I am. It's true what they say, you know who your friends are when the going gets tough. But looking on this journey, I already knew who my true friends were. And also those true friends of our family. I have and continue to be so overwhelmed by everyone's love, support, prayers and well wishes. I know this has been a very difficult journey for everyone too, one that I never wanted to have to have people ride with me. But the support and love of everyone has made this nightmare so much more bearable.
I look forward to moving forward and living my life. First stop.....South Carolina for 2 weeks to reconnect with my kids and my husband. Also to spend some time with my parents without the worry and stress of appointments and chemo. As of May 1st my diet will change and I have to start my exercise plan. I think it will take me all of May to just build up enough stamina to get back to the gym. My goal is to hit the gym in June. So if anyone feels like having a walking partner in May let me know. I'll be out wandering the streets. I managed not to gain or lose any weight during my treatments but I have lost a lot of strength and feel very weak. To bad I wasn't able to work out when I was on those steroids.....I could be pretty kick ass right now.
I am thankful to be healthy and to have made it through treatment. Chemo has proven to be my greatest accomplishment so far. I am pretty darn proud of myself right now. But I know I didn't do it alone and for that I'm so grateful.
I have received so many beautiful flowers and a few amazing presents over the last week. Cards, emails and phone calls marking the end of treatment. So many of you have been on this journey with me, some from the very start and some who jumped in during. Whoever you are and whenever you came in please know how gratful I am. It's true what they say, you know who your friends are when the going gets tough. But looking on this journey, I already knew who my true friends were. And also those true friends of our family. I have and continue to be so overwhelmed by everyone's love, support, prayers and well wishes. I know this has been a very difficult journey for everyone too, one that I never wanted to have to have people ride with me. But the support and love of everyone has made this nightmare so much more bearable.
I look forward to moving forward and living my life. First stop.....South Carolina for 2 weeks to reconnect with my kids and my husband. Also to spend some time with my parents without the worry and stress of appointments and chemo. As of May 1st my diet will change and I have to start my exercise plan. I think it will take me all of May to just build up enough stamina to get back to the gym. My goal is to hit the gym in June. So if anyone feels like having a walking partner in May let me know. I'll be out wandering the streets. I managed not to gain or lose any weight during my treatments but I have lost a lot of strength and feel very weak. To bad I wasn't able to work out when I was on those steroids.....I could be pretty kick ass right now.
I am thankful to be healthy and to have made it through treatment. Chemo has proven to be my greatest accomplishment so far. I am pretty darn proud of myself right now. But I know I didn't do it alone and for that I'm so grateful.
Friday, 6 April 2012
I DID IT!!!!
Yesterday I walked into chemo for the LAST time. I was sporting my tiara, pink tutu, pink tights, and an amazing t-shirt that was made for me by my team at work. Pam came down in the morning and presented me with the shirt, a framed picture of my team all in pink shirts and an amazing hand painted breast cancer wine glass. I was doing okay until I saw the pictures of my team and then I lost it. Tears just flowed out of my eyes. The support I have had has been overwhelming and throughout all of this I have missed work and my team so much. I got all dressed and ready to go. Pam was decked out in pink and even Kurt had shirt with a little pink in it. We marched into the hospital like we owned the place. We pretty well came with luggage as we had snacks, drinks and trash mags as well as my change of cloths and all kinds of other crap. I turned a lot of heads and people smiled when they heard it was my last chemo. My fav. nurse was on and she told me she had me but I had to wait for a bed. When a chair became available she said "Oh, well you want a bed. Hey, just go into the private room". So we had our own PARTY room which was likely best because we were a bit rowdy.
My IV did not go so well this last time due to all the scar tissue in my veins. She had trouble finding a vein and tried my hand (OUCH) but the IV didn't take so she finally found part of a vein on my arm that worked. I've had 10 IV's in my right arm since November so my veins are a bit pissed off I think. Once my IV was in Pam poured me some OJ in my new wine glass (yes we brought it) and we toasted to this being my last chemo. We munched on fruit and hung out. Dawn came with lunch for us and pink ribbon cupcakes that she had made for the occasion. They were SO yummy and that brought a swarm of nurses who each took one for their break. Our friends Kevin and Lisa were there for Kevin's chemo so it was nice to see them and she enjoyed a cupcake. Kevin and I started chemo on the same day. I waited and waited to hear my IV beep marking the end of chemo. Finally the beep came and Pam and I cheered "It's beeping!!!". My nurse came in and flushed my line, took out my IV and I was DONE!!!! I was given a big hug and a certificate of completing chemo that all the nurses signed. A few more hugs from the nurses and my nurse said, "Congratulations, you are cancer free". Words I have waited to hear for months. I saw my oncologist on the way out and got another hug. I'll be back to see her on May 2nd for a check up.
Home we came to snuggle the boys and celebrate. We ordered in food and Kim and the girls came over. Pam stayed and we watched Grey's and I had a glass (small) of red wine in my new wine glass. I'm not suppose to drink on chemo days but I didn't really care - it was time to celebrate!!!! And the wine was SO good. It was a GREAT day and I still cannot believe that I'm really done. It hasn't all sunk in yet. In 2 weeks when I am on a beach and not having to go to chemo, maybe that's when it'll sink in that I DID IT!!!!
My IV did not go so well this last time due to all the scar tissue in my veins. She had trouble finding a vein and tried my hand (OUCH) but the IV didn't take so she finally found part of a vein on my arm that worked. I've had 10 IV's in my right arm since November so my veins are a bit pissed off I think. Once my IV was in Pam poured me some OJ in my new wine glass (yes we brought it) and we toasted to this being my last chemo. We munched on fruit and hung out. Dawn came with lunch for us and pink ribbon cupcakes that she had made for the occasion. They were SO yummy and that brought a swarm of nurses who each took one for their break. Our friends Kevin and Lisa were there for Kevin's chemo so it was nice to see them and she enjoyed a cupcake. Kevin and I started chemo on the same day. I waited and waited to hear my IV beep marking the end of chemo. Finally the beep came and Pam and I cheered "It's beeping!!!". My nurse came in and flushed my line, took out my IV and I was DONE!!!! I was given a big hug and a certificate of completing chemo that all the nurses signed. A few more hugs from the nurses and my nurse said, "Congratulations, you are cancer free". Words I have waited to hear for months. I saw my oncologist on the way out and got another hug. I'll be back to see her on May 2nd for a check up.
Wednesday, 4 April 2012
The final round......
Today I saw my oncologist for the last time before my last chemo!!! It is all very surreal to me right now. I can't believe I have made it to this point and this is all really coming to an end. I was given the green light to have chemo tomorrow and also to head South in a week and a half. She wants to see me the week I get back to do some blood work to make sure my counts have or are starting to recover. Other then being ordered to stay out of the sun, I'm good to go.
She told me about a clinical trial that I qualify for and I met with the trial team and got all the information. It sounds interesting and I'll read over everything this weekend. I think I'll go ahead and join up with the trial but I just want to make sure I know what I'm getting myself into.
I cannot wait for tomorrow to come. I have my work friend Pam coming to my chemo and staying over night and a few friends who are going to come into see me throughout the day. Then home for a celebration of Thai food for dinner.
Friday is going to be the first day of the rest of my life as a Breast Cancer Survivor. I have so many emotions right now, I can't begin to explain them.
She told me about a clinical trial that I qualify for and I met with the trial team and got all the information. It sounds interesting and I'll read over everything this weekend. I think I'll go ahead and join up with the trial but I just want to make sure I know what I'm getting myself into.
I cannot wait for tomorrow to come. I have my work friend Pam coming to my chemo and staying over night and a few friends who are going to come into see me throughout the day. Then home for a celebration of Thai food for dinner.
Friday is going to be the first day of the rest of my life as a Breast Cancer Survivor. I have so many emotions right now, I can't begin to explain them.
Tuesday, 3 April 2012
An amazing evening feeling strong and beautiful......
Last night I had pictures done with my bald head. Yep.....I went "topless" and ditched the wig for some professional pictures to capture this part of my journey. I went to see Jen and Chris (www.onceuponatimephoto.ca) for an amazing evening of picture taking. Jen and Chris are SO talented and professional and made me feel very comfortable being bald. Jen was able to capture some pictures of my strength and courage with my pink boxing gloves but also some fun ones wearing my pink tutu. It felt so good to be out and feel strong and beautiful. Dawn's sister in law Erika came to do my make up before I left for the shoot. I almost forgot how "normal" and beautiful I could look. It has been so long since I had make up on. Erika did a great job and it made my pictures look that much more amazing.
I cannot thank Jen and Chris enough for ALL that they have done for me during this journey. Jen was the one who did our family pictures before I cut my hair short and was able to capture so much emotion. They truly are such talented and caring people. We had lots of laughs last night and it was just so relaxed. I couldn't believe it when I got in the car and it was 10:30pm!!! The time seemed to fly by. I cannot wait to see the pictures.
I cannot thank Jen and Chris enough for ALL that they have done for me during this journey. Jen was the one who did our family pictures before I cut my hair short and was able to capture so much emotion. They truly are such talented and caring people. We had lots of laughs last night and it was just so relaxed. I couldn't believe it when I got in the car and it was 10:30pm!!! The time seemed to fly by. I cannot wait to see the pictures.
Sunday, 1 April 2012
Happy April.....
Finally it's April, a month I have been waiting for since November. The month that I will be done chemo, the month I will begin my recovery, the month I will begin my life as a "survivor" and the month that I will get on a plane and get the heck out of here to spend time with my family. HURRAY!!! I have never been so happy to turn the calendar.
As I approach the end of my treatment so many people ask me "Are you glad to be finished?". I am glad to be done treatment but I think "Am I really ever finished?". The treatment part of this journey will be over but my journey will continue forever. There will be follow up appointments that will cause me anxiety as well as diet and exercise routines that I'll need to learn and follow. I'll get a head ache or back ache and worry that the cancer has come back. I know all these things will get easier with time but I don't think cancer patients are ever "finished". I wish that some day there will be a cure so cancer patients can do what they need to do and live without fear but I'm not sure if that will ever happen.
As the week approaches, I am feeling good. I took Jack to his first movie yesterday. The excitement in his eyes was amazing and he was so cute while watching the Lorax. I was so excited to take him and can only imagine that's how I felt when my parents took me to my first movie. I have a million things to get done before my last chemo as Easter weekend is approaching. I'll have to do a little Easter shopping and filling of eggs for the hunt while I'm still feeling good. I have my blood work on Wednesday and chemo on Thursday.
My pink tutu is all ready for me to wear for my last chemo. I'm going to get all decked out and make it a party. Finishing chemo is probably one of my most greatest accomplishments. All those times I wanted to give up but didn't. I am feeling pretty proud of myself.
As I approach the end of my treatment so many people ask me "Are you glad to be finished?". I am glad to be done treatment but I think "Am I really ever finished?". The treatment part of this journey will be over but my journey will continue forever. There will be follow up appointments that will cause me anxiety as well as diet and exercise routines that I'll need to learn and follow. I'll get a head ache or back ache and worry that the cancer has come back. I know all these things will get easier with time but I don't think cancer patients are ever "finished". I wish that some day there will be a cure so cancer patients can do what they need to do and live without fear but I'm not sure if that will ever happen.
As the week approaches, I am feeling good. I took Jack to his first movie yesterday. The excitement in his eyes was amazing and he was so cute while watching the Lorax. I was so excited to take him and can only imagine that's how I felt when my parents took me to my first movie. I have a million things to get done before my last chemo as Easter weekend is approaching. I'll have to do a little Easter shopping and filling of eggs for the hunt while I'm still feeling good. I have my blood work on Wednesday and chemo on Thursday.
My pink tutu is all ready for me to wear for my last chemo. I'm going to get all decked out and make it a party. Finishing chemo is probably one of my most greatest accomplishments. All those times I wanted to give up but didn't. I am feeling pretty proud of myself.
Thursday, 29 March 2012
1 week today.....
1 week today I walk into the chemo suite for the LAST time!!! I can hardly believe it's almost April, a month that I have been waiting for since November. I have been told by lots of people that after chemo is over is when I will likely fall apart. The fear of not being "monitored" on a bi-weekly basis is hard. I am already scared for what's to come after next week. I'm not sure if that's because everyone tells me I'll be scared or if I really am. I think it's a bit of both. I am usually okay during the day but at night when I'm lying with Jack or rocking Sam it always hits me that I just HAVE to be okay after all this. My boys need me and I need them. I don't want to miss out on any part of their lives and I want to live to be 90. But nothing's forsure and it's scary. Hearing Jack tell me he loves me and listening to Sam cry for me in the night, I can't help but think what life would be like if I wasn't here for them. Sam would keep crying for me and I'd never come. Jack's heart would be breaking because he wants to tell me he loves me and can't. It just all seems so unfair to them. Last night I did something that my mom use to do to us as kids when we were falling asleep. I was drawing letters and shapes on Jack's back while we snuggled in his bed. Hearing him giggle and just spending those moments together are things I never want to give up. Rocking Sam to sleep and hearing him giggle and smile at me are moments I want to bottle up and cherish forever. I just can't imagine not being here to be able to give them those moments, to share those moments together.
The end of treatment is exciting but it's also scary. I have done everything the doctors have told me to do and offered as treatment. I just hope with everything I have inside of me that it's enough. Nothing is guaranteed in life but this is one thing that I wish could be. For the sake of my kids, I wish that I could tell them that I will never be sick again, we will never have to worry about cancer and I will be here until I'm old and gray. But......I can't promise them anything except that I will love them forever.
The end of treatment is exciting but it's also scary. I have done everything the doctors have told me to do and offered as treatment. I just hope with everything I have inside of me that it's enough. Nothing is guaranteed in life but this is one thing that I wish could be. For the sake of my kids, I wish that I could tell them that I will never be sick again, we will never have to worry about cancer and I will be here until I'm old and gray. But......I can't promise them anything except that I will love them forever.
Friday, 23 March 2012
7 down, 1 to go......
I am back from round 7 and resting in bed. My body is asleep from the benedryl but my eyes are wide awake and won't close from all the steroids. They gave me LOTS of drugs today so that I wouldn't have a reaction this time. Other then a scratchy throat I was fine. Dawn came to visit over her lunch hour and brought me the most amazing sandwich I have EVER had. Super yummy and great to see Dawn. While we were at chemo Lorri was here cleaning my house. What an amazing friend. She has come EVERY chemo without fail to make sure I come home to a clean and germ free house. She even washed my walls today. Lorri has been an amazing friend going above and beyond for us.
Only 1 more treatment to go. YEAH!!! I can hardly believe that when I walk in there it will be for the LAST time. I had one of my favourite nurses today. She won't be there on April 5th so she gave me a big hug today and told me that I should be very proud of myself for sticking this out. She knows I have not had the best go of it. I think my final one will be emotional. Thank goodness I'll have my friend Pam there and I'll be dressed up in some crazy outfit. That should lighten the mood.
I am off to rest now and hope to force my eyes shut. Maybe a little duct tape. Dad says that fixes everything.
Only 1 more treatment to go. YEAH!!! I can hardly believe that when I walk in there it will be for the LAST time. I had one of my favourite nurses today. She won't be there on April 5th so she gave me a big hug today and told me that I should be very proud of myself for sticking this out. She knows I have not had the best go of it. I think my final one will be emotional. Thank goodness I'll have my friend Pam there and I'll be dressed up in some crazy outfit. That should lighten the mood.
I am off to rest now and hope to force my eyes shut. Maybe a little duct tape. Dad says that fixes everything.
Thursday, 22 March 2012
A "McCrea" moment......
So I got into a little argument and had a bit of a "McCrea" moment while leaving the cancer center on Wednesday. Mom parked at the top of the parking garage so she told me to wait while she got the van and brought it around. Since it was such a nice day I decided to wait outside on the benches. I am sitting there minding my own business, enjoying the weather and people watching. A volunteer comes out of the cancer center pushing a patient. She puts him just infront of where I am but to my left and closer to the curb. She says "Hello" to me and walks back inside. The man in the wheel chair is struggling with his coat and pulls out a pack of cigarettes?! Yep!!! He starts smoking IN FRONT OF THE CANCER CENTER. After just coming out of the CANCER CENTER?! What the hell?!
Insert my "McCrea" moment:
Me: "You know this is the cancer center right?"
Man: "Yeah"
Me: "Well why the hell are you smoking in front of the cancer center? And didn't you just come out of the cancer center?"
Man: mumbled basically what was it to me and "yeah" in response to coming out of the cancer center.
Me: "Well I don't really want to breathe in your smoke because I care about my life".
He just mumbles and then throws his cigarette on the road in front of him. Then he starts to cough uncontrollably and spit and stuff.
Me: "And now you just littered. Nice!"
With that Mom pulls up and I get into the van and rant the whole way to lunch. And I'M the one who gets cancer?! Seems fair right?! I have no risk factors, I work out, I eat well, I breast fed my kids, I have no history, I am young, healthy and have my whole life ahead of me. And then I see ALL kinds of people smoking and I'm the one with cancer?! Hardly seems fair. The other night I took Sam to Walmart to get a few things and we had to walk out through all the people smoking just outside of Walmart. Why should I have to pollute my lungs and my son's because you choose to pollute yours?! Oh and I'm the one who got cancer.
And I don't feel bad at all for saying something to the guy who had to get wheeled out of the cancer center to smoke. I made a deal with myself on the first day that I was at the cancer center that I would never take the elevator and I would never be in a wheel chair. If it took me all day to climb the stairs, I am doing that. But he gets wheeled out to smoke. Super!
There's my rant for today.......
Insert my "McCrea" moment:
Me: "You know this is the cancer center right?"
Man: "Yeah"
Me: "Well why the hell are you smoking in front of the cancer center? And didn't you just come out of the cancer center?"
Man: mumbled basically what was it to me and "yeah" in response to coming out of the cancer center.
Me: "Well I don't really want to breathe in your smoke because I care about my life".
He just mumbles and then throws his cigarette on the road in front of him. Then he starts to cough uncontrollably and spit and stuff.
Me: "And now you just littered. Nice!"
With that Mom pulls up and I get into the van and rant the whole way to lunch. And I'M the one who gets cancer?! Seems fair right?! I have no risk factors, I work out, I eat well, I breast fed my kids, I have no history, I am young, healthy and have my whole life ahead of me. And then I see ALL kinds of people smoking and I'm the one with cancer?! Hardly seems fair. The other night I took Sam to Walmart to get a few things and we had to walk out through all the people smoking just outside of Walmart. Why should I have to pollute my lungs and my son's because you choose to pollute yours?! Oh and I'm the one who got cancer.
And I don't feel bad at all for saying something to the guy who had to get wheeled out of the cancer center to smoke. I made a deal with myself on the first day that I was at the cancer center that I would never take the elevator and I would never be in a wheel chair. If it took me all day to climb the stairs, I am doing that. But he gets wheeled out to smoke. Super!
There's my rant for today.......
14 days left......
Holy cow! I cannot believe that I have 2 weeks to go until I'm done treatment. I am so close I can taste it (well I can't actually taste much but you know what I mean). I am going to the pharmacy today to pick up my last 2 needles that I'll need after chemo and my 2nd last dose of steroid. It feels so surreal. I can't help but feel a bit scared at the same time. Scared that another shoe is going to drop, scared that this is all to good to be true, scared that when I leave that chemo suite next week I hope to never be back, scared that my whole world is going to crash in around me again. But within all that fear is sheer excitement that I CAN do this. That I HAVE done this. I BEAT this thing!! Excitement that I am stronger then I ever thought I would be. I have a new appreciation for my body and what it can do. There were SO many days that I was in bed, not able to do anything thinking I would never be the same again. Now here I am. With only 14 days to go. There were moments I never thought I would get to this point, times where I just wanted to give up and stop treatment, times where I would be sobbing in the bathtub because I just couldn't take any more. And here I am. I feel like I can do anything now. I am unstoppable.
I am relieved, excited, strong and scared all at the same time. Part of me cannot wait to get into chemo tomorrow, I NEVER thought I'd say that. I just want to be done. I just want to go on with my life. I just want to feel normal again. Before all of this I felt fine. Even with the cancer inside of me I felt fine. The last 4 months I have felt the worst I have ever felt in my life. I have been more tired then even the days that I never slept with Sam. I cannot wait to get feeling better and get back to doing what I love to do. I still have 2 rounds to go but this time I KNOW I can do this.
I am relieved, excited, strong and scared all at the same time. Part of me cannot wait to get into chemo tomorrow, I NEVER thought I'd say that. I just want to be done. I just want to go on with my life. I just want to feel normal again. Before all of this I felt fine. Even with the cancer inside of me I felt fine. The last 4 months I have felt the worst I have ever felt in my life. I have been more tired then even the days that I never slept with Sam. I cannot wait to get feeling better and get back to doing what I love to do. I still have 2 rounds to go but this time I KNOW I can do this.
Wednesday, 21 March 2012
Prep day for Round 7......
Mom and I ventured to the hospital today for my blood work and oncology appointment. We didn't muster up any drama and things were pretty quiet today. They did call a "code blue" in the chemo suite and that sent a rock into my stomach. I know how small that place is and how close everyone is together. I felt bad for the poor nurses and the family of whoever was there. I hope in the end the person was okay.
My oncologist seems happy with how I am coming along. She said my blood counts are okay but they're dropping again so I will have to be careful and likely rest more. I have been over doing things with this nice weather and the boys being outside. I guess I have to listen to my Mom and rest. My oncologist talked about my reaction to the Taxol last time. I'm to take a benedryl at home at 3am on Friday morning with my steroid and again when I get home if needed. She will order the nurse to inject a steroid into my IV line and along with the IV of benedryl, I "should" be okay. So we'll see. I hope the nurse doesn't go far once they get the Taxol going.
Mom and I had lunch on a patio. Hard to believe it's only March and 27C today and sunny. After lunch we went to a swimwear store and I was able to get a super cute bikini that I can alter for my "boobs", a tankini that I can alter and a sun hat. Now I won't have to look like an 80 year old cruise ship Queen in the mastectomy swimwear. HURRAY!!!
Tomorrow I see my family doctor to talk about my anti depressant/anxiety meds. I will ask her about the headaches. My oncologist felt they could be due to anything really but if they get worse/constant then she said "we'll investigate". For now they come and go so she thinks it's okay. I'm wondering if my prescription is to high and I'll talk to my family doc about lowering it. At this point I have had SO much crap in my system how would we know what my headaches are from?!
I'm off to pick up my "clowns" from daycare and head to my parents for a BBQ. Enjoying this weather while it's lasting. Cannot wait to get into that chemo suite Friday and be 90% done. I only have 2 weeks (tomorrow) and I'm DONE!!!!!
My oncologist seems happy with how I am coming along. She said my blood counts are okay but they're dropping again so I will have to be careful and likely rest more. I have been over doing things with this nice weather and the boys being outside. I guess I have to listen to my Mom and rest. My oncologist talked about my reaction to the Taxol last time. I'm to take a benedryl at home at 3am on Friday morning with my steroid and again when I get home if needed. She will order the nurse to inject a steroid into my IV line and along with the IV of benedryl, I "should" be okay. So we'll see. I hope the nurse doesn't go far once they get the Taxol going.
Mom and I had lunch on a patio. Hard to believe it's only March and 27C today and sunny. After lunch we went to a swimwear store and I was able to get a super cute bikini that I can alter for my "boobs", a tankini that I can alter and a sun hat. Now I won't have to look like an 80 year old cruise ship Queen in the mastectomy swimwear. HURRAY!!!
Tomorrow I see my family doctor to talk about my anti depressant/anxiety meds. I will ask her about the headaches. My oncologist felt they could be due to anything really but if they get worse/constant then she said "we'll investigate". For now they come and go so she thinks it's okay. I'm wondering if my prescription is to high and I'll talk to my family doc about lowering it. At this point I have had SO much crap in my system how would we know what my headaches are from?!
I'm off to pick up my "clowns" from daycare and head to my parents for a BBQ. Enjoying this weather while it's lasting. Cannot wait to get into that chemo suite Friday and be 90% done. I only have 2 weeks (tomorrow) and I'm DONE!!!!!
Tuesday, 20 March 2012
Happy Spring.....
Happy 1st day of Spring. This weather has been amazing and I have been enjoying the spring weather "tease". I have been getting outside enjoying the weather and getting some fresh air. I think the weather has been good for my soul and my mood. I have discovered that my wig is SO hot in this weather so I hope my hair grows back before the dead of summer so I can go "topless" and not have to wear my wig. I have been very careful with my skin and bald head when I go outside. I try to stay covered up or stay in the shade. It's amazing how much a bald head sweats!!
I am getting geared up to have round 7 of 8. I can't believe how close I am getting now. This Friday I will be 90% of the way there. I see my oncologist on Wednesday and have my blood work taken. I have been feeling pretty good and only had aches and pains for a few days. I have been getting headaches though which, is a side effect of the Taxol so I'll have to ask the doctor about that this week. It could be that I am not drinking enough too. Any liquid has the consistency of baby oil and nothing seems to satisfy my thirst. But I am trying to force myself to drink water with a bit of juice for flavour.
We are all booked for April and cannot wait to get away for a few weeks and get on the beach. The boys will have SO much fun and we just love it there. 2 more hurdles/treatments first and then I can really look forward to the trip. It will be nice to reconnect as a family and create memories. For now, I am feeling good and looking forward to the end. That finish line is in sight :)
I am getting geared up to have round 7 of 8. I can't believe how close I am getting now. This Friday I will be 90% of the way there. I see my oncologist on Wednesday and have my blood work taken. I have been feeling pretty good and only had aches and pains for a few days. I have been getting headaches though which, is a side effect of the Taxol so I'll have to ask the doctor about that this week. It could be that I am not drinking enough too. Any liquid has the consistency of baby oil and nothing seems to satisfy my thirst. But I am trying to force myself to drink water with a bit of juice for flavour.
We are all booked for April and cannot wait to get away for a few weeks and get on the beach. The boys will have SO much fun and we just love it there. 2 more hurdles/treatments first and then I can really look forward to the trip. It will be nice to reconnect as a family and create memories. For now, I am feeling good and looking forward to the end. That finish line is in sight :)
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